Is it just me

When Superwoman needs a nap

Every holiday it seems I make the same declaration - Someone else needs to step up and make this holiday happen. Yet I found myself (again) hosting Christmas (again) with guests (again) and last minute shopping, wrapping, decorating (again) and cleaning and cooking and cleaning (again) before I jetted off to Mexico where BougieSis caught the flu, gave it to me and I spent New Year's huddled under an electric blanket with antibiotics.

No. Bueno,

I returned to work this Monday to find that not one but two employees were promoted out of my already understaffed team so I was left with a team of one and a half people to do the work of six. I went into a status meeting with a client and of course had my hindparts handed to me because I couldn't commit to taking on any additional work. Oh and it was windchill 12 effing degrees outside so my trek to the treadmill felt like a march across outer Siberia. I made it for 18 minutes on level 1.7 before my lungs revolted and I hacked and coughed my way back to the house.

I'm living so sexy.

And don't get me started on my love life. Really. Let's just let that simmer on the back burner until my energy is back where it needs to be. Suffice it to say dude said he was sorry I didn't feel well, did that mean I wasn't cooking for the game? {Insert epic side-eye here}

Okay, enough whining. Please do not go look in the archives to remind me how many times I say "This year, I'm doing ME!" I lowkey mean it this year. Superwoman needs a nap, the cape needs to be dry-cleaned and the boots require new heels and some polish.

I'll be the writer/blogger/HR Consultant propped up in the corner in Snuggie (do they sill make those?) - How's your new year starting out?

My only thought on #KnowlesSisterGate: I don't know and neither do you

By now, the silent and somewhat disturbing elevator video of Solange Knowles attempting to beat the hell out of her brother-in-law has been seen around the world (too many times over). The speculation of what happened, why, who said what, stood by, took down photos, put up photos, said nothing and so on has reached ridiculously epic proportions.

Lookie here, I don't know what happened before during or after the "alleged" attempted assault. I don't know what sparked it. But I sorta understand. Family dynamics, particularly between sisters can range from a giddy hand-holding dance through the daisies to a tiptoe across a barb-wired minefield. I love my sister like crazy and she feels the same for me but there are times when we want to shoot each other in the pinkie-toe and laugh while driving to the emergency room. Thankfully, we don't have TMZ following us around hoping to catch us in our worst moments.

More importantly there are times where if we had stood in an elevator: her, me, and any number of my previous significant others; she would have been sorely tempted to break off a Texas-style beatdown while I stood in the corner cheering (a la the movie Friday "Kick his ass, Craig!") under my breath. No I don't condone violence (usually) but things happen. There's one ex of mine who bed-not (yes, that's the ebonics way of saying better not or really should refrain from) cross her path after dark. He might not make it, ya'll. I've got one good eye out for one of her exes every time I go to Cali. Accidents happen.

**pausing to giggle fiendishly** But really tho...

Relationships are hard. Contrary to what people would have you believe, they do not exist in a silo. There are friends and family and in this case world-wide media attention and fans up in your business far more often than is healthy. Careers happen, kids happen, moods happen, life happens and all the while you have to decide on a regular basis which relationships in your life are on your way or in your way. Families are hard work. Love relationships are even harder work. It's not all champagne in the back of the limo and surfboarding on the kitchen floor. 

I try not to judge anyone until I've stood and walked in their 5-inch Louboutin's for a minute. There are a million reasons why Solange did what she did. We don't know any of them. Before you blast your assumptions and presumptions about, before you judge any of the people in the situation; recognize that you have no idea (none of us do) what really happens in people's lives. Keep a good thought that all will work out for the best for all parties. And keep it pushing. 

Thoughts, comments, insights? Do share...

One for the ITOFTS files - First date fail, WDDDA?!

*ITOFTS = I'm too old for this shiggity
*WDDDA = Where Dey Do Dat At?

Met a guy in the Wine & Imported Beer section of Central Market about a week ago. We chatted about Chardonnay, preened over Pinot, grinned over Gewürztraminer, murmured over Moscato. You get the idea. Everything is witty repartee when you're perusing bottles of fermented beverage. As I moved towards the seafood counter, he asked for my name and phone number. I gave him my first name and my Google Voice number and went on with my shopping. Let's say his name was Sam.

Sam called today and asked if I wanted to come out and watch football with him. I said sure, where would he like to meet? He gave me the name of a place I hadn't heard of. I questioned, "Where is that, I don't think I'm familiar with it?" He told me where it was and I frowned. The street he named is a notorious red light district. To the best of my knowledge, nothing was on that side of the highway but strips clubs, shady pay-by-the-hour no-tell motels, liquor stores, gas stations, gun stores and a huge Sam's Warehouse. (Quite the combination of retail, don't you think?)

Jokingly I said, "You aren't inviting me to a strip club for a first date, are you?" Silence. Epic silence. And the all the crickets stopped chirping in dismay. I spoke again, "Sam? Is this a strip club?"

"It's an upscale gentlemen's club, not a sleazy titty bar, what's wrong with that? They have great game day specials. I always have fun there." No doubt.

I was literally struck speechless. Like my mouth moved but no words were forming or falling out of it.

He jumped in. "Oh, you're one of those. You're repressed, you need to ease into this. Let me meet you for coffee first."

I stayed speechless. How do you come out of the gate with strip club and then try to fall back to Starbuck's to work back up to the strip club? I finally found my voice. "You know, I think I'll pass. But have a great time."

"What do you mean you'll pass? You don't want to go out today or at all?" Sam sound confused.

That made two of us. I was confused too. The guy who knew more about wine point scales than I ever would and could pontificate about soil in California vs. Argentina producing merlot vs. malbec thought the booty bar was fine entertainment on a first date? It wasn't just the wine conversation, brother gave good grocery store gab. It did not compute. I wasn't in the mood for a mystery. "At all." I answered shortly.

"Wow. You're really narrow-minded. You need to-"

"Sam, I'm going to stop you right there. Before you waste both of our time running game that works on a confused twenty-two year old. Enjoy your day." Click. Pull up Google Voice option. Automatically block number. And done.

People, is it me? Is the strip-club-as-first-date invitation what's hot in the streetz? I'm unable. I don't have anything against "gentlemen's clubs" if people want to pay women to shake their hindparts, I say do you. I have nothing against Cristal and nem getting rained on at the House of Cheeks. It's not my thing. It's most assuredly not my thing on a first date with someone I'm trying to find out more about. To quote the movie Bad Boys, "How do you concentrate with all the scattered ass everywhere?" I don't know. But I will say this... I'm too old for this.

Fellas, would you take a first date to a strip club? Ladies, would you go on a first date? Am I missing something? Please respond...

Worst proposals ever!!!!

I thought it was bad when my ex bounced a ring across the pressed white tablecloth in a fine dining establishment where it landed perilously close to my mini-creme brulee and announced, "Now you'll have to figure out what to do with me" as a proposal. I really did. But in scanning the "Ask a Bougie Chick" write-ins, I see much worse.

Here are this year's nominees for the worst proposals ever...

1) "My other girlfriend turned me down so I guess I'll ask you" - Yep. This is how one chick found out that a) her man was seeing someone else and b) he had bought a ring with the intention of asking for someone's hand in marriage. O__O But wait, before you catch your breath, let me announce that sister-girl wrote in to ask me, "Should I say yes anyway?" Let me text-type my response: SMDH, WDDDA and WTH? GTHOHWTBS. Then again, perhaps you two, Mr. UberRatchet and Ms. ParchedThirst, deserve each other. *flings purple confetti and pulls out betting books* I got fiddy says they either don't make it to the altar or the marriage is over in less than twelve months. What say you?

2) 2:00AM brings the pounding of a heavy hand on an apartment door. Girl stumbles towards it, looks out window and swings open door. Dude she hasn't seen in four years stands on patio. "Hey baby. The DNA test results came back from court today. You were right. I've already gassed up the car. Wake up the kid and let's roll to Vegas and do this." Her question to me? "Am I required to let this fool be a part of my child's life?" My response - depends on your feelings and what the judge said. Based on his level of idiocy, I'd go with the wage garnishment and call it a wrap. Was he proposing to get out of child support? Where's he been the last 4 years? I have so many questions.

3) Long-term couple (4 years together) sits on the dock overlooking a beach watching the ships roll in then they watch them roll away again (shout out to Otis Redding - Google it, people). She turns to look at him and announces, "If we're not married by this time next year, I'm out." He says, "Is that a proposal or an ultimatum?" She stares him down. He shrugs and says, "Fine, we'll get married this winter." His question to me, "Should I have caved under the pressure and proposed?" My response, "That was a proposal? After four years, either you're in or you're out. Shouldn't have even come to all that." Hmpfh.

BougieLand, your thoughts? Responses? Any to add? Do share...

Damn Political Correctness... some things just need to be said

I'm bougie. Whatever. I own that. There are worse things to be in the world. Some of you all get that, some do not. You have a choice to either love it or leave it alone. And I feel good saying that cuz you know what else? Please let them know, Bey. 

Alright? Moving on... As a species, those of us born bougificus socialus are genetically inclined to be polite and politically correct if it kills us. But ev'ry now and again... A few things simply must get said. You can bite your tongue for so long and then it's like... okay let me speak a l'il truth to power. So apologies in advance for any toes that get stepped on. Mea culpa.

1. It truly is possible for women with natural hair to look just as much of a hot mess as women with perms, locks, twists, braids, weaves, etc. Imma need some of the natural ladies to understand the importance of shaping, styling and framing the face. And for all that's holy - moisturize it. Early and often. Having your hair sit atop your head like a bird's nest in the rainforest is no bueno. I get that you're team natural but you gotta do more than that. I'm asking nicely.

2. Please stop tweeting/FBing/Instagraming every single solitary moment of your dysfunctional lives. I mean this with all the sincerity I can muster. Fellas, there's a reason some of you aren't getting chose. Review the last 90 days of your Twitter stream and ask yourself "would I date me?" Bet you wouldn't. And you shouldn't. I'm not saying all your tweets need to be Skittles, rainbows and unicorn sightings but for Jesu Christi's sake, do you really think we need the details of the girl you went down on Friday night who called you by the wrong name Saturday afternoon? (Can't make this stuff up) Nawl. Maintain some of the mystery.

3. If you truly think Trayvon Martin deserved to die please log off life. Okay, that may be harsh. Log off my TL and don't troll me. I'm never going to be here for it. There is nothing short of CIA documented video showing Trayvon loading shrapnel-packed skittles into a modified Arizona Iced Tea gun and firing in George Zimmerman's direction that will ever (evah, evah) make me change my mind about this. So all of you with your Law & Order Forensic Psycholody degrees and Criminal Justice Ph.Ds from University of CSI - have some seats. And stay in them. kthxbi

I had about seven more but it was starting to sound like a ranty manifesto. Bougieland, thoughts on my thoughts? Agree, disagree, have something else to get off your chest? Do share...

Is this cool or not?

So the Beau Nouveau and I have been going out for a few months now. It feels longer. In a good way. I literally met him and thought "where has he been all this time" - one of those things where we felt like we've known each other forever even though we haven't? He's already met fam and gotten the blessing. We've spent at least four or five days a week together every week since we met. We had the exclusivity "we don't share" discussion. Very little drama. And I do so hate drama. So last week when we were watching a movie and he announced that he was going to see the new Star Trek with a friend of his and did I think it was okay, I paused.

Sure it's okay, I looked bewildered cuz am I so strict that permission needed to be asked? He explained it was a friend of his who was a girl, not a "girlfriend" and they'd decided months ago since they are both sci-fi people to go see this movie together. "ummKay." I said with a slow nod. He added. "It's just a movie. Not dinner, not drinks, we'll go to the movie and then I'll come over here for dinner."

"It's fine." I said with a smile though it wasn't. Past history had me wanting to jump up and down screaming, "NO! You may not go! B*tches be treacherous. And I don't know her. I'm not cool with this!" But I'm still hiding my crazy. So I smiled and said, "Let me know how the movie is."

He must know from whence my crazy comes. He called on the way to theater, sent a text from theater to say movie started, sent another text after movie to say he was going to pick up food and was on his way to my house. Showed up at my house thirty minutes later with dinner and wine. Though he did everything right, I have to admit I kept an eye on the clock while he was out. (As he later said - wow, someone really did a number on you. Several someones and yeah, they have) At the heart of the matter though, I still didn't like the fact that it felt like he went on a date with someone else. 

After dinner, we sat on the sofa and he said he knew it didn't sit well that he went to the movie with someone else but he had already made the promise before he ever met me and didn't want to go back on his word. Admirable, I reckon. Then he said she mentioned another sci-fi movie coming out next month and wondered if they could go to that. I cut my eyes and tried to keep the lips from pursing until he followed up with, "I told her it probably wasn't a good idea." 

Um-hmm. She said maybe they could get coffee sometime. Without thinking I said, "Coffee is code for she wants to see you naked and needs a way in." To which he replied, "She's not like that." Hmpfh. Yes she is, he just doesn't know it. He said, "Coffee isn't a date anyway." Bless his heart. Yes it is, he just doesn't know it. She may not even have a nefarious plot going. But I'll be tagging along to the next movie. Won't that be interesting? 

BougieLand, am I in the wrong? Is it cool for your s/o to go out one on one with members of the opposite sex? Not a cousin, a niece or friend from high school? I mean, if it's not a business dinner or a work lunch or a "we decided to catch a bite after work" - is that cool? Or does it depend on what they are doing? Like a drink is okay but dinner is not? Or a movie is okay but coffee afterwards is not? Do I need to be more evolved? Let a bougie chick know...

Know when to walk away, know when to run...

Today's Ask a Bougie Chick letter comes from Alexia: there's a guy...let's call him Baggage (since he has alot of it)....our families are close...our aunts have wanted us to meet for quite a while. We finally met in October of last year at a party his family had. We talked briefly and I was so nervous that I didn't ask for the digits or any kind of contact info. About 3 weeks later, I realized my error and contacted him on Facebook saying that it was great to meet him and that I hoped to talk to him soon. He replied and said it was great to meet me and said that he was sure we would speak. 

About 2 months later after no talking a family member of his reached out to me stating that Baggage needed help with a familial situation. (I'm a therapist by trade). His ex wife...was causing issues as far as his children are related...I helped blah blah blah...we started to talk and, I thought, fall in like with each other. We talked about liking each other and wanting to go out (which to this day has not happened). We REALLY connect on so many levels it was too good to be true.

Fast forward to January of this year...his mom had an emergency health crisis...and he is now taking care of her...we went from talking nearly every day to talking very sparingly (like once a week or less). My question is...should I fall back completely and discontinue contact? Should I check in every now and then to see if he's ok? Should I be empathetic and give him space? I'm stuck. Please help.

Alexia - I'm confused. I don't see the connection. I say this not because you didn't mention details but because you two still haven't gone out. It is my unwavering belief that people make time for the things that are important to them. If dude is that much into you, he would make a way to see you, be with you, talk to you. Since he has not, my advice is to fall back and let it go.

Actually in this case where's there is a lot of baggage and drama plus you've got family blended into the mix? I almost advise you to sprint post haste in the opposite direction. Let me ask the crew - BnB, what say you? Should she hang around to see what comes next or keep it moving?

Is there such a thing as "too romantic"?

Oooh... I don't know about this one. As you may know, I'm a romantic at heart. I love it when someone sets a scene. Nouveau Beau brought me back pajamas from his trip to Japan and before I could quirk a brow, he announced they were so I would think of him when I was sleeping. Oh, well - awesome gift then. Does this mean I want pajamas every day? No, it does not.

I like the wine, the candles, the flowers, the hand holding, the walking in the moonlight. But I like those things with someone I actually care for. Romance without the mutual affection to back it up is stalking in most states. 

Tere was one unfortunate dud who just tried too damn hard. The less I was feeling him and the more I pulled back, the harder he tried. Sent flowers and poems and wrote notes and bought books even after I told him politely, "No thank you." He actually did the thing where he stood outside my window with his iPod and speaker blasting some Keith Sweat song. (Cause enough to be put to the curb) Moving on, in that case it's not romance but nuisance and who needs that?

But I have to wonder - even if it's with someone you are in a relationship with, can there be such a thing as too much romance? Is it special if it happens ALL the time? Ladies, do you want rose petals leading up to the bed every single night? Do you need candles lit for every bath? Or can it get to be a bit much?

Everyday life tends to get in the way of romance but if it was romance all day? Would we like it? Fellas, what do YOU think about romance? Do you want it, need it, got to have it or would you just like your cocoa, your sammich and the remote control? Hey, I'm just asking.

Romance, let's talk about it. What does it mean to you? Can it be too much? And why? Please discuss...