One for the ITOFTS files - First date fail, WDDDA?!

*ITOFTS = I'm too old for this shiggity
*WDDDA = Where Dey Do Dat At?

Met a guy in the Wine & Imported Beer section of Central Market about a week ago. We chatted about Chardonnay, preened over Pinot, grinned over Gewürztraminer, murmured over Moscato. You get the idea. Everything is witty repartee when you're perusing bottles of fermented beverage. As I moved towards the seafood counter, he asked for my name and phone number. I gave him my first name and my Google Voice number and went on with my shopping. Let's say his name was Sam.

Sam called today and asked if I wanted to come out and watch football with him. I said sure, where would he like to meet? He gave me the name of a place I hadn't heard of. I questioned, "Where is that, I don't think I'm familiar with it?" He told me where it was and I frowned. The street he named is a notorious red light district. To the best of my knowledge, nothing was on that side of the highway but strips clubs, shady pay-by-the-hour no-tell motels, liquor stores, gas stations, gun stores and a huge Sam's Warehouse. (Quite the combination of retail, don't you think?)

Jokingly I said, "You aren't inviting me to a strip club for a first date, are you?" Silence. Epic silence. And the all the crickets stopped chirping in dismay. I spoke again, "Sam? Is this a strip club?"

"It's an upscale gentlemen's club, not a sleazy titty bar, what's wrong with that? They have great game day specials. I always have fun there." No doubt.

I was literally struck speechless. Like my mouth moved but no words were forming or falling out of it.

He jumped in. "Oh, you're one of those. You're repressed, you need to ease into this. Let me meet you for coffee first."

I stayed speechless. How do you come out of the gate with strip club and then try to fall back to Starbuck's to work back up to the strip club? I finally found my voice. "You know, I think I'll pass. But have a great time."

"What do you mean you'll pass? You don't want to go out today or at all?" Sam sound confused.

That made two of us. I was confused too. The guy who knew more about wine point scales than I ever would and could pontificate about soil in California vs. Argentina producing merlot vs. malbec thought the booty bar was fine entertainment on a first date? It wasn't just the wine conversation, brother gave good grocery store gab. It did not compute. I wasn't in the mood for a mystery. "At all." I answered shortly.

"Wow. You're really narrow-minded. You need to-"

"Sam, I'm going to stop you right there. Before you waste both of our time running game that works on a confused twenty-two year old. Enjoy your day." Click. Pull up Google Voice option. Automatically block number. And done.

People, is it me? Is the strip-club-as-first-date invitation what's hot in the streetz? I'm unable. I don't have anything against "gentlemen's clubs" if people want to pay women to shake their hindparts, I say do you. I have nothing against Cristal and nem getting rained on at the House of Cheeks. It's not my thing. It's most assuredly not my thing on a first date with someone I'm trying to find out more about. To quote the movie Bad Boys, "How do you concentrate with all the scattered ass everywhere?" I don't know. But I will say this... I'm too old for this.

Fellas, would you take a first date to a strip club? Ladies, would you go on a first date? Am I missing something? Please respond...

'Tis the season for Tomfoolery...

I received a FedEx package today. I was very excited because BougieOlderBro got me the new Kindle and it's been lost in UPS hell since last Thursday. (No, I didn't think it through. Just grabbed the box). I ripped it open and lacy lingerie fell out. Cheeky boyshorts in a rainbow array of colors to be exact. Oh. Clearly not a Kindle. Obviously not from my brother.

I take a second to read the front of the package. It's from an ex. I dig out a note - hope to see you soon. Hmm. Really tho? I look at the items a little closer. They are a size two/XS. Say what? Yes, I've lost weight but not in my adult life have I or will I fit into a size 2/Extra Small anything. Ever. (Did I say ever? Yep.) As I'm contemplating what to think or what to do with aforementioned drawers, I receive a text from this ex. "Hope you like the scarf." 

**crickets** followed by **blinkety blinkety blink**

So wait a minute now. Either someone sent the wrong gift to the wrong person or someone is playing games. Either way, I chose not play. I wrote a note "Pretty sure these aren't meant for me" and resealed the box. Caught FedEx guy before he left the apartment complex. These undies are going to return to sender.

People. I CAN NOT. What would you do in this situation?

Girlfriend of mine called. She's been dating a guy for about two years now. Over Thanksgiving they went ring shopping so you know what she was expecting for Christmas. Christmas Day she gets up and he's sprawled out under the Christmas tree buck-assed naked with a bow wrapped around his "candy cane"... he announced that he was the only present she needed that year. She played it off but was crushed all day. More so the next day when she found out he bought himself a new Lexus and all she got was a bow around something she'd had before... I'm just saying. BougieLand - what say you? Cute, corny or c'mon son?

Anyone get gifts they absolutely loved (I got a sparkly dress for Inauguration Weekend - so excited!), gifts they just didn't understand (see six 2 drawers story above) or any disappointments (Amazon, please free my new Kindle)? Do share.

Yes, I know the season is about more than gifts. Please don't preach in my comments section today...

I guess "Thank You" is the appropriate response?

With a glance at the calendar, I sucked it up and headed out to do Christmas shopping this past weekend. It wasn't until I was at the mall amongst the teeming masses that I remembered why I generally opt to go cyber for the holidays.

This year, for some odd reason, I ventured out to the megamall. I had already been once with BougieMom and I just needed to grab one or two last items. It's always when you push your luck that bad things happen to otherwise good people.

To add to the drama, I've quit shopping at some stores because of their politics and treatment of workers. No Wal-Mart, no Sam's, no Macy's, no Home Depot. Which stores do you think are closest to me? Yep. 

Anywho, it was on my targeted blitz through Nordstrom when disaster struck. I was sandwiched between two clearance racks of sleepwear when a familiar voice called out, "Michele? Is that you?" Why do people say that? You see me, you know who I am, just say hello already. Just saying.

I look up and it's my ex from the wayback, Bill (of crying in the shower and TapBack fame) with his lovely wife. 

"Hey." I say super halfheartedly still recalling the uber-whacktasticness of Bill's tapback call.

"You look great! Jonelle, this is Michele. Remember, I told you about her? Michele, my wife Jonelle."

He told her what about me? Exactly? Anyway, she rushed forward and gave me a big hug. "It's so great to meet you, I have so many questions for you."

For. Real. Tho? No ma'am. "Oh well, I'm meeting someone for a late lunch in a few minutes but it's great to meet you. How are the kids?"

"They are great!" They launched into detail about the two children and I nodded at the appropriate moments.

"Sounds great. I hate to run but..."

Jonelle said, "Before you go, I just want to say that I appreciate how you whipped Bill into shape and then let him go to be with the woman he was supposed to be with."

Ummmm....

She continued. "The things that he learned from you well, it was great meeting an emotional grown-up that I didn't have to train, you know?"

By now I'm looking at Bill like - is this how ya'll get down? Your wife is just going to talk about you like a science experiment and you're cool with that? Ooookay. And I'm assuming he never mentioned calling me asking for belated break-up sex? Alrighty then. They were both looking at me expecting an answer so sliding towards the escalator, I smiled. "I guess 'Thank You' is the appropriate response? I'm glad you're happy. Merry Christmas!" I fled.

BougieLand - WDDDA? And what are you supposed to say when someone thanks you for "training" her husband? Anybody had a similar experience? How's your holiday shopping going this year? Oh and hey there, Happy Holidays!

Do share...

Valentine #WDDDA, an Ask a Bougie Chick special

Normally, I turn the sound off on my phone and Kindle Fire when I plug them in for the night. If it's that big of an emergency and you don't have my home number? I'll holla at ya in the morning. But for some reason (mayhaps the 3/4s a bottle of sparkling shiraz I swigged?) last night, I forgot. So at 2:13am when both the Kindle and the Android started beeping and buzzing in sync every ten minutes, I knew something was up. I glanced at the cell and saw it was a series of emails coming in from a BougieLand reader and friend. After verifying that the person wasn't dead, dying or incarcerated, I fell back to sleep. 

I present this story to you edited and reduced for blog size:

Chele,

You will never, ever believe the shiggity I went through this evening. I told you about the new guy I've been seeing? Well, this was our first Valentine's Day of course and despite you warning about not making it into a big deal, I kinda made it a big deal. He sent flowers and brought a cookie bouquet. Tonight we went out to Pappadeaux. 

We ordered drinks and appetizers and then he said he was going to step outside for a second to call his mom. He's really close to his mother so I thought it was sweet that he was calling his Mom on Valentine's Day. Anyway, it took him a while to come back and he said she was having a bad night. I asked him if he wanted to leave but he said no, he would just check on her a few more times. 

The third time he left the table to call her, the waitress asked me if I had any idea what was going on. Confused, I looked at her and said no. She said, "Your man double-booked you on Valentine's Day." I was like, huh? She said every time he left the table, he ran across the parking lot to the P.F.Chang's. She was like, "Either he's really hungry or he's trying to run two dates at once... on Valentine's Day." She set my Mahi Alexander down in front of me and walked off shaking her head. 

You once said in situations like these there's a class move, a ratchet move and what you wish you had done.  So I sat there thinking WWCD (What Would Chele Do) and then I called the waitress back. I paid for the meal and had her wrap it up to go. I walked across the parking lot, into P.F.Changs and found his table. The look on his face when he saw me walking up - priceless! I slid into the booth next to the other girl and told her. "You know he's out on a date with both of us right now?" I held up the bag. "I was over at Pappadeaux waiting for him to finish talking to his mother." 

"He told me he was talking to his mom too!" She said. We both looked at this fool. He's looking at us like trying to figure out how he's going to get out of this. I said, "I rode with him so I assume you met him here?" She said yes and I asked her for a ride home. We bounced while he begged her and then me and then her to give him a minute to explain. On the way to my house we figured out he's been dating both of us "exclusively" for over four months. I invited her in and we sat and ate the Pappadeaux food like we were best friends. 

Best part of the night - Dude starts texting us not knowing that we are together. He's sending her a line, "Baby you're the only one for me, this is all a misunderstanding." And then sending the same exact thing to me. We weren't replying. He escalated sending e-cards (to both of us) and a Dwele song (to both of us) before going completely ratchet and sending the obligatory "You're going to miss this" peen pic (to BOTH of us). THEN he shows up on my doorstep an hour later (she and I were watching Waiting to Exhale) and starts banging on my door. But he's calling out her name. I swung up the door. "Do you even know which of us is which?"  He stumbled and mumbled upon seeing both of us there before he turned and walked away.

Oh, turns out he got us the exact same flowers and cookies too. What was there a 2-for-1 discount at Scumbag Valentine's R Us? 

I don't need any advice, I'm so done. Lost a man but gained a friend. She and I are going to hang out next weekend. My question to you and BougieLand is: WDDDA?

~A Bougie Friend 

Well Bougie Friend - 

Wow. Just. Wow. Okay maybe he didn't realize both of you thought your relationships were exclusive? No, I can't even pull that one together. I write fiction and I couldn't script that. uberRatchet. By the way, I'm not sure I would have done all that. I might have called a friend to come get me and rolled out. Then again, I might have done exactly this. Depending on my drink situation, I might have caused a minor scene. Then again, I know exactly where that Pappadeaux/PF Changs restaurant grouping is and I frequent them often so... Well played.

BougieLand, what part of the game.... People still try and double book? On a night like Valentine's Day? What would you have done if you were her or the other her or him even? Do share...

Rude Awakening

It was about 3:00am when the sound of raised voices yanked me from what was some truly extraordinary slumber. Grumpily I sat up to figure out where the noise was coming from. It took no time at all to ascertain that a man and a woman were in the middle of the cul-de-sac screaming at each other in the street... at decibels that were uncalled for in that time and place. Really, any time and place but let's move on...

With a sigh, I got up and peeked out of the window and sure enough, there were Dude and Dudette in the street in pajamas howling at one and other. I didn't recognize them as neighbors. As I looked on with disgust and confusion, Dudette picked up her foot and landed a roundhouse kick squarely in Dude's abdomen. Before I could blink, he bopped her upside the head. Oh. Hells. No. 

I dialed 911 and was informed that six calls had already come in and Dallas' finest were already on the way. The words "the way" were still floating into my ear when the first patrol car pulled up. Dude and Dudette were full scale MMA boxing in the street. I went downstairs so I could stop the officers from ringing the doorbell and waking BougieMom (who didn't even twitch an eyelid). 

These two were visiting friends, got into a fight and not wanting to disturb their hosts... decided to step outside. Really tho? She announced, "We always rough house a little bit, it doesn't mean anything."

No. In fact, hell no. The one time I thought about fighting some dude was way back right after college. Not the brightest idea since he was Mr. Law Enforcement and all buffed up. I don't even remember what the fight was about but I got up in his face, he told me to back up, I did not and he gave me a little shove backwards. Again for those who don't know, I'm top heavy with tiny ankles and gravity hates me. I tumbled onto my ass landing painfully on the tile floor. I jumped up and swung my loaded purse at his head. He ducked. And laughed. I remember growling and landing one solid kick to his thigh before his best friend grabbed me around the waist and pulled me into the kitchen. Where he held me hostage until I calmed down. Ever since then I don't do physical confrontation. Ever.

One, I'd never win. Two, razor sharp words wound deeper and have longer lasting impact. Three, no one goes to jail for launching verbal missiles. And four, fighting in the streets is S.No.B! So I put the question to you - WDDDA? And WTH? Is there EVER a good reason to get into a physical confrontation with your s.o.? Would it ever occur to you to fight in the street in the middle of the night? Someone help me understand... The floor is yours.