BougieLand

Well BougieLand, that was quite interesting this week. I appreciate almost all the comments and interaction. I'll try and have at least one more Relationship Week before year end. I can't do them too often, you guys will get spoiled and people get all worked up. Plus, I keep swearing that this is not a relationship blog. *crickets* Whatever.

Here are a couple polls for your enjoyment and a musical reminder. 

Just so we end on an upbeat note, here's a little Al Green for you. Enjoy your weekend.

My blog cousin Slim Jackson wrote a post over at Three Ways To Take It on women who do not appreciate the random small gestures that men make. He felt that some women expected men to jump through hoops for their love. And he further goes on to say that it's really hard for men to even remember to make that effort because they are so caught up in their day to day lives. 

First of all, that's a trifling chick who can't break off a "thank you baby" on the regular. Second of all, I absolutely do not cosign that it's so very cumbersome for men to remember to do nice things. Quite truthfully if a man slaps a post-it note on the mirror once a week saying "Love ya Babe!" - a woman is over the moon. How hard is that? Moving on.

Maybe it's just me but I'm that girl who appreciates the small everyday things as opposed to the grand gestures. I actually teared up one time when an S.O. brought me some yogurt and a bottled water. The thing is, for whatever reason, I don't expect a whole lot. Love me, respect and appreciate me, talk to me, listen to me like you give a damn, be an emotional support. I'll do the same. Everything else is frosting on the relationship cake.

Without getting into a whole "who are these women and why are you dating them" swirl, let me address a broader issue... it's time to get real about relationship expectations.

I have to be with a considerate talker so I date men who communicate. I made a conscious decision that it's more important for the man I date to be considerate, a listener, and a gentleman rather than fine, successful and fly. I just happen to be lucky enough to be dating someone who is all of that but this is like my 212th time at bat. (translation - I've done my time knocking it out of the park in the minors, it was time I reaped the rewards of the big show and made the All-Star Team. If you don't know baseball lingo, that went right past you)

My point is if you want a woman to appreciate you... date an appreciative woman. What's more important - that you have the shiniest dime or a dame who loves your dirty drawers? Who's to say you won't find both?

Women keep talking about how they want to get married and then they date completely unmarriageable men. Men that are already married, determined to stay single or just not suitable. How's that gonna work?

Don't date what you can't deal with. It's just that simple. Gents, if you don't want a gold-digger, stop trying to attract women with your income. Ladies, if you don't want to be treated like the recreational chick, stop passing it out like an all-you-eat buffet. Both guys and girls, if you're not a patient person - why are you with someone who is high-maintenance and needs hand-holding?

I'll wait while you think on that. 

Let's talk for about your "must-have" lists. I have seen both men and women who are completely unreasonable in what they want. Brains, beauty, bank - okay those I expect to see but when you start tacking on specific physical characteristics and the tiniest personality traits... you're doing too much. You really have a six-page list of characteristics Mr. or Mrs. Right must have? C'mon now people... it's not like custom ordering a car, shiny chrome and GPS are nice to have but do you need them? (I'm not even to get into people who expect a platinum platter mate when they are bringing paper plates to the table. Good luck with that.)

Ladies and Gents - understand this. It's rare that your significant other is going to undergo huge transformations in personality. At most, they might change some habits or traits. Usually, you get who you get. If dude is a playa with his d!ck in the streets when you meet him, just assume that's who he's going to be. If a girl is gorgeous but selfish as all hell when you meet her, just assume that's her and know that the gorgeous may not last. 

All of this to say, get your priorities right and chose wisely. Be realistic about what you want versus what you need. And then once you've got that person... know who you've got and don't expect them to be anyone other than who they are. Pick someone you want to be friends with first. 

I'm getting kinda preachy so let me wrap it up. What do you think about small gestures men make? Are people unrealistic with their dating expectations? Have you seen these "must-have" lists, do you have one? How long is it? Ever dated someone you wanted to "change"? How did that work out for ya? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Wrapping up the Week: Doing too Much

*RWNTD: Relationship What Not to Do Week

Guy wants girl, girl finds out and flings herself at guy. Guy gets what he wants, loses interest moves on. Guy approaches girl, declares his fervent interest, girl takes advantage of all the fervent interest and puts guy in friend zone. Just two examples of stories we've all heard before. What went wrong?

Broken down to the most elemental basics, relationships begin with the chase. Sometimes a short chase, sometimes a long, drawn out exhausting chase where you wonder if the prize is even worth it at the end... but I digress. It's a rabbit hunt if you will. Someone's got to be the hunter, someone's got to be the rabbit.

In a traditional male-female meme... the woman is the rabbit. Let me repeat that for every damn body: The WOMAN is the RABBIT. Not the man. I don't care how many mainstream media outlets try to convince you that there is only one decent heterosexual black male left in the Western Hemisphere. That's no cause to fling your drawers at everything with an XY chromosome. Seriously girls, stop doing the modern equivalent of clubbing men over the head and dragging them back to your lair. 

Ladies, your job is to fluff your tail and present yourself as something the hunter wants to take home and keep. Your job is not to grab the gun and chase the hunter down. It's your forest, run until you get caught. Unless you don't want to be caught, in which case just stay in your hole and make it as comfy as possible. Whatever (this metaphor is killing me).

Simply put - Ladies, quit chasing! It's not attractive, it reeks of desperation and it rarely works. I understand we're all liberated, hear-me-roar and all of that but in my very humble opinion, some traditions need to stay right in place. He is man, you are women... let him come to you. Or at the very least, be slick enough to let him think it was his idea to approach you.

And gents, you don't get off easy here. A friend of mine used to say that when you're hunting and the rabbit comes to you... there's something wrong with that rabbit. Do you really want the rabbit that jumps in the pot and says, "Cook me?" Don't you want to work for it a l'il bit?

You should at least meet half way. And I mean some of you fellas have got to step your chase game up. Smiling at me across a room tells me that you're polite, not that you're interested. The black man head bop as you walk past? Again, that's a greeting not an acknowledged interest. Not trying to be difficult or play hard to get, we ladies just need you fellas to make it plain without being sleazy. "How are you doing today?" Is lovely. "Shake something for me, shawty." Is not. But ya'll already know this. You catch a rabbit with a carrot (or a carat), think on the metaphor.

Yesterday, we learned about the woman who basically self-sabotaged her relationship trying to run game on her man. Today, let's learn about a man who thought he was running game but in the end... not so much. Let me break down his letter for you:

Bless His Heart Dude (BHD) meets Somewhat Needy Chick (SNC) at church. She is (according to all the church saints) a "good woman" who has just had a few bad breaks in life. Had a baby young, got screwed over (literally and figuratively) by her baby daddy and was working at having that better life. It did not hurt that SNC was bangin' of body and cute of face.

BHD is in his late twenties and tired of that single life. He wants to settle down with a "good woman" and "get on with his grown-up life." He decided to give SNC a try. They dined out and on the first date, she's not quite as "refined" as he would like but he saw through lack of etiquette, diction and table manners to something that both interested him and attracted him.

Fast forward to two months later, BHD moved SNC and baby-SNC into his crib. Now from his letter I can't tell if that was the test or this: He gave SNC a credit card and told her "Use it for emergencies." [pause for the side-eye] He didn't give it another thought. She adored him, was rubbing him the right way and he had an instant family.

What he did think about was the fact that not only was she not a great housekeeper, she's not a great housemate. In fact, she's sloppy and her four year old has picked up the same habits of just leaving things laying around and assuming someone else will clean it up. BHD hired a maid/cook/nanny [do we need to pause again?] and kept rolling. After all, this was a "good woman."

So her round-the-way friends appeared to have set up headquarters at his house and SNC couldn't keep a job, this was what a "grown-up" relationship was about, right? Putting up with the good and the bad?

At least that's what he told himself right up until the credit card company called him at work and asked when he planned to settle the balance on his card. He would pay it off over the phone, he told them - how much was it? $14,632 they told him - which bank account did he want them to take that out of? After his heart started beating again he found out that SNC had not only used the card like her personal checking account but had gone online and transferred money to her personal Paypal account $1000 at a time. She had the billing address and primary phone number changed so he would not get the bills. And she was apparently very fond of a website that overnighted Christian Louboutin shoes direct from France.

He had her and the little one out by week's end. He prepaid a month at an extended stay hotel to get her out. He had to change locks, all of his cards and bank accounts and file a fraud alert. She had opened up a store and gas credit card using his information. She had told people she was his new wife. He said he's still discovering her fraudulent acts.

His question to me was... where did he go wrong?

To which I'm tempted to respond - where did you go right? You got bamboozled by the beauty + booty combination then you moved a virtual stranger and her son into your home. You turned a blind-eye to every flaw. And then you gave this stranger a credit card in your name with a $20,000 credit limit.

Let me ask you this - what was so "good" about her that is PG-rated? She wasn't up to your "refinement" standards, you weren't comfortable with her lifestyle, she was a slob who couldn't cook or keep a job and turned your house into the neighborhood hang-out. She better have been turning you inside out all day everyday. For the record, not everybody who goes to church is a Christian. Next time, I would take things slow. Check some references, keep your credit card (and other things) in your pocket for a minute. And don't let a cute face fool you.

Hmm, just re-read this - am I being too harsh? I should probably be more sympathetic, huh? BougieLand, whatcha got for BHD? Ever been the victim of identity theft from a S.O.? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Tomorrow on BnB: Who's the rabbit?


*RWNTD: Relationship What Not To Do

Normally, I'm a tactful person but I received the most-stupidest (yeah, I said it) letter from a grown woman recently that I simply must point out the rampantly ignorant error of her ways. I'm not going to cut and paste the letter because it was long and painful to read. Let me paraphrase:

Thirty-two year old woman met "good man" also thirty-two years of age. Grown-Ass Woman (GAW) and Grown-Ass Man (GAM) are six months into the dating thing and it's all good. But GAW has doubts, is GAM really all he is cracked up to be? She thinks he's The One but does he feel the same way?

GAW devises a plot [if I soundtracked the blog here's where I would insert the ominous piano chords] to test her man. She enlists a "friend" [the quotes will be self-explanatory shortly] to help her with this test. The plan is for cute sexy friend (CSF) to roll up on GAM and see how he responds. Does he take the bait? Does he flirt? Or more?

To GAM's credit, the first time CSF ran game on him he smiled and politely declined her offer of naked olive oil slip 'n slide and went on about his day. He even went so far into the Good Man Handbook as to tell GAW that some random broad tried to pick him up while he was out drinking with the boys. They laughed about it.

GAW in her infinite ignorance sends CSF after him one mo' gin. He flirts back a little bit longer but sends CSF packing with the specific words, "I'm seeing someone else but I'm flattered." Again, he tells GAW and even says, "Why is this woman so persistent?" GAW answers with a laugh, "I guess she sees something she likes." She calls CSF and tells her to stand down - GAM passed the test and she's satisfied he is a "good man". 

Unbeknownst to GAW, she just hit the nail on the head. CSF did see something she liked... a lot. Having decided that GAM was an awesome catch, CSF went after him with a full scale attack. CSF even used information gleaned from conversations with GAW to hook that man and reel him in. Her intel was apparently considerable. She had that man's head turned around for months. GAW knew something was going on with him but wasn't sure what. CSF's slam dunk move (the one that won the game) was to tell GAM that GAW had sicced her on him but she couldn't do it anymore because she fell in love with him and she couldn't stand to see him deceived. He deserved so much better!

What do you think happened next?! Oh yes, GAM dumps GAW in an angry huff. He and CSF are now engaged to be married. GAW lost her man and her friend. She's spending her free time writing me twelve page emails chock full of bitter expletives about how she's been betrayed.

Sister-girl... betrayed my ass - let me count just some of the ways you JACKED this up yourself:

One - you were happy but you rocked the boat because of your own insecurities

Two - you sent temptation his way. Not once but at least twice.

Three - NEVER tell your girlfriends EVERYTHING about your man. That can bite you in the ass so many ways. 

Four - how good a friend was she if she was willing to go along with this?

Five - True, GAM could've resisted but that's a moot point now, isn't it?

Girl, I'm sorry but you're stupid. Put plain, you let the enemy into your camp having already handed them the blueprint and strategy to get to the prize. WDDDA? No, I'm not absolving your trifling "friend" or your former boyfriend but you have got to see where you brought trouble to your own doorstep. 

For the record ya'll - I don't like "tests" in relationships. I think time, judgment, intuition and observation will tell you what you need to know about someone. What say you, BougieLand? To test or not to test? Any insights on the story I just shared? Would you ever do such a thing? Thoughts, comments?

Tomorrow: Pt 2 of Don't give a test you're not sure they'll pass, a man's story. 

*RWNTD: Relationship What Not to Do

I was forced to flee my house Saturday. It was being over run by youngsters and I just didn't have it in me to be Aunt Chele all day. After treating myself to brunch and a little retail therapy, I decided to take in Inception. My head still hurts... but in a good way. Like my brain had a good workout and just needs to rest for a second.

I'm not going to spoil the plot. I couldn't if I wanted to. It's one of those films you have see to understand. And even then, I'm positive I missed a few things. It is a very smart movie. One of the smartest and slickest I've ever seen. Great cast, any one of which could've carried the film. You don't know who to like or how to feel or what is around the next corner. 

It's not a movie that leads you. You just have to strap in and go along for the ride. And it's quite a thrill ride. It is visually jarring and extremely well scored. You start to associate certain sounds with certain things and you find yourself tensing up. Listen, if you don't like movies where you have to think, keep up and wonder 'what does that mean' several times throughout the film, it's not for you.

It's kind of Matrix meets Sixth Sense in your overly vivid dreams. It's a long film at 148 minutes and somewhere around the two-hour mark you start getting nervous as to how they are going to end the film. When they cut to black you are jarred. "What just happened?" The other movie patrons and I stumbled shell-shocked into the street wondering what to do with our lives... if they are indeed our lives. Who knows? 

All that being said, I loved it. I give it 4.5 sandals. Enjoy... at your own risk. For those that saw it, did you enjoy it? For those that haven't do you plan to?