Prom dates, past missteps and present witch hunters

Dear 6 lb, 8 oz Baby Jesus - do not let me be judged for my prom date. When I saw that someone felt it relevant to dig up and publish pictures of our 44th President's prom, I rolled my eyes so far to the left and back to the right. Because for why... really?

My prom date, who went by the classy moniker of Duck, is in the penitentiary... again. To say our paths were divergent is an understatement but me from 20 years ago thought he was fine and exciting and different.  My parents thought he was a felon. Turns out they were right. Should I be judged lo these many years later for my judgment at 18 years of age?

This past week, Nouveau Beau and I had some (limited) discussion about one of my exes. (If you missed the crazy tale of PsychoMike, go ahead and enjoy) Turns out that Nouveau Beau knows PsychoMike by professional reputation and it ain't good. Since it's been over 12 years since I dated PsychoMike, he just shook his head and said, "Well now you know better." He then went on to say that he didn't want to know about my other exes. They had no place in our relationship so let's just leave them out of it. Whew! It was all I could do not to get up and praise dance in the middle of the restaurant. 

I admit I haven't always had the best taste in men and/or when I did choose well things had a way of going south (or left or whichever direction means no bueno). I own up to my part in these dissolved relationships but I sure didn't relish having to tiptoe down the long-ass highway of Doomed Relationships Past with him. I mean some of you all have been reading the blog for a while... it's a lot to take in. Particularly all at once. 

A girlfriend of mine has just started dating again after a particularly bitter divorce. Her new man is great but his sister? She is straight CSI'ng everything about Rosa's past. Rosa said, "I wonder if this is how Obama feels, having everything he ever said or did, anyone he ever dated under scrutiny by someone looking for the absolute worst spin." I said of course it is but then she could multiply it by a gazillion media outlets with millions of dollars behind them. The witch hunt is real.

All of this to say - should we really be judged by the people we've dated in the past? Okay, maybe in the recent past, yes but ten plus years ago? Is there a statute of limitations on relationship missteps and if so, what should it be? 

Do share....

Bougie News Round-Up: Get your life, boo...

I used to do these Bougie News Round-Ups where I'd get us all caught up on the news of the week and then we could discuss. Well, here you go. Enjoy...

1. Sergio Garcia makes a joke about Tiger Woods and fried chicken. Really Sergio? It's been done (thanks Fuzzy) and it's stale. 2013 man. For the last mickey-frickey time, jokes about fried chicken, watermelon, malt liquor, hangings and slavery - never a good idea with people of any form of African descent raised in these here United States. Get your life, Sergio. (And watch out for that water hazard at 17... oh, too late.) May I leave the following right here:

Nuff said.

2. GOP still trying to turn Benghazi into Watergate. while it's certainly tragic and regrettable that 4 Americans lost their lives that day, after 9 (yes NINE) congressional hearings, no one can tie the security failure to the White House. In fact, the more we look at it, the more we see that Congress is holding up the dollars to increase security at a number of embassies and consulates worldwide. Add in the fact that under ye olde Bush regime, 42 Americans died at embassies and consulates - where were the investigations for that? McCain, get yo' life, boo. You lost. You're old and you're on the wrong side of history. Move on.

3. Idiot fake-ass "relationship expert" CheyB explodes his mentions on Twitter by telling women that they are sluts if they carry condoms and even police officers know this. Why? Because women don't have penises. "The best way to have safe sex is to get married and be loyal." O__o Get yo' life, Chey - making a living denigrating women shows such a moral abyss... I just can't.

4. Billboard Music Awards - I can't. This was the year I turned the corner and officially became my father. Sitting on the couch frowning at the TV muttering, "You call that music? Back in MY day..." Yeah and this happened:

Get yo' life, Miggy. Practice the stunts first so you don't land on girls'  heads. SMH

5. Best of the rest: Anthony Weiner (of tweeting his weiner fame) is running for Mayor of New York. You know what? Do you, boo. Mark "Latin Lover" Sanford is in Congress. I got nothing. Do the Obamas talk differently to black people? Yes, they do. Next. Dr. Dre wants to give millions to a non-HBCU college. It's his money, let him live. Feminists fighting over feminism? We'll talk more on that later this week.

On the flip of all of that, Pharrell has previewed a tune for the Despicable Me 2 soundtrack entitled "Happy" and it is. I do love some feel good music. Enjoy.

Any news you want to talk about today? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Get out of your feelings, #Scandal is fiction. Great fiction but...

After EVERY episode...

Spoiler alert - if you haven't watched the season finale of Scandal, stop reading. Go watch it. Come back. Ummkay?

Last Scandal post for a while. We ready? Okay...

Good people, I'll say this one more time for the cheap seats - Scandal is not a way of life, a reality show or anything deeper than a primetime drama. But for some reason, people tend to take it very, very personally. Like life as they know it must alter trajectory based on the goings-on of a TV show. While the show is on summer break, mayhaps folks can gain some perspective? Get out of their feelings a little bit? Here are ten things I need folks to wrap their minds around.

1. We get it. To many of you, Olivia is a side-piece and should behave as such (i.e. "know her place") - we get it. You don't need to tweet/FB a broadcast message talking bout "hoes" rejoicing or weeping on the ebb and flow of the Olitz relationship. Enough already.

2. Those of you determined to take the chemistry between Fitz and Olivia and translate it into an off-camera affair between Kerry and Tony - stop. If they are, it's none of your business. If they aren't? Still none of your business. As a matter of fact, stop superimposing the character on the actor. They are not one and the same.

3. Why so mad at Shonda for not writing the shows and/or characters exactly the way you want them? If you are that determined to have a hand in the plotline, put fingers to keyboard and write out your pilot for next season.

4. Brothers, Olivia embracing the swirl has nothing to do with you. She is not personally snubbing you by doing Fitz on all vertical and horizontal surfaces in the fake White House. If you are that worried about black women "leaving the fold" go pick you one and treat her right. Any questions?

5. Ladies, you are not Mellie. She's not real. If your man is as ratchet as Fitz, cut him loose. You are not married to the President, you can leave. Any questions?

6. This is TV, if a man has a heart attack at noon, he is not back at work at 6:00pm. He's really not. Heart attacks generally have a root cause and that generally needs to be addressed before you can put on your suit and go wreak havoc on your "best friends'" lives.

7. IRL, Mellie would have smacked the shiggity out of Fitz for coming back weeping on her lap after his boo-thang left. Nawl. No wife is that eager to have her man back. If I were him, I'd station Tom and Hal bedside or sleep with one eye open.

8. If you want to get mad about something, get mad about the fact that we have seen David, James and Cyrus shirtless more than once and Harrison not at all. That's just wrong.

9. I'm far more horrified about the bad branches of Olivia's family tree and the glee to which Quinn took to torture than I am about the Olitz break-up. Why aren't ya'll?

10. Shonda actually has a pattern with her shows. She puts things together, blows them up and puts them back together another way until we get exhausted and say "whatever, girl" and then she finds another way to reel people back in. It's what she does. Love it or leave it alone.

Scandal is done for the summer, what are we watching? 

About that #Scandal #IWillBeYourAnchor comment... whew!

Lookie here. I fully understand that I was 100% on board with Fitz wanting to earn him some Olivia on the "A Woman Scorned" episode of ABC's runaway hit, Scandal. The episode was thrilling, dramatic, flashy and capped off with some steamy cocoa-stirring powered by the undeniable chemistry between Olivia and Fitz.

The "Any Questions" episode kind of turned a corner for me. Let's be real, how often on the national stage do we get to see a brother stand for a sister like this? We don't know what the story is behind Olivia and Harrison's relationship but unless Shonda is going to tell me that they are blood relatives - I need to know why Harrison isn't being considered as a viable love interest for Liv?

As we've discussed over the years here on BnB, I love love. I'm all about the euphoric majesty of all-consuming love. Scale the highest mountain, swim the widest sea love. Breathless, heart-racing, need it, want it, gotta have it - yes. All of that. But then again... I'm all about practicalities too. Why can't you have the fire and the passion with someone who is, I don't know, already there for you? Does it always have to complicated and messy to be real? Olivia may think so, I do not.

The seductive promise of a man telling you he'll be your anchor had me topping off my obnoxiously large wineglass. And not just an anchor in calm seas but through the storm?! What?! Can we add that into some wedding vows? "I promise to love, honor and be your anchor?" I mean when you have an anchor - you can soar. You can try new things, you can take chances, you can be bold because at the end of the day - someone's got you. Ya'll don't hear me though - at the end of the day, someone has GOT. YOU. Whew!

You find that and it's a wrap. Lock it down and let no man put it asunder.

The shiny allure of a "watch me earn you" kind of fades (for me anyway) next to the rock solid resolution of "I will be your anchor." You find someone willing to hold it down, who doesn't have to explode everything in his world to make that happen? Well that's a no-brainer for me. Le Sigh. I understand the heart wants what the heart wants. But at some point I need the brain to kick in and be like - "Girl. Anchor. That way. Let's go."

But I'll ask you - which line resonated more for you? #EarnMe or #IWillBeYourAnchor? do share...

At what point is enough really enough?

Today's letter comes from Arminta in St. Paul. She and her man Ken have broken up and gotten back together several times over the last decade. 

Hi Chele,

Hope this finds you continuing to be fabulous! I've been reading your blog for a while and I notice you've talked about one guy that you've been in and out of a relationship with for a while until you finally pulled the plug. I've been doing the same thing for a little over ten years. I'm wondering how you knew when it was time to let it go or just hang in? 

I've known Kendrick for years, we were drawn to each other from the start but there was always something off. Timing, circumstances, distance. Finally, we got together and it was awesome. We had a really good four year stretch a few years back that was amazing. We were both invested in each other and spending time until well - to be honest I don't even remember what it was that broke us up that time. Anyway, we've given it a try time and time again. We can't seem to stay away from each other. We've both taken breaks and during our time apart we've met other people. Ken was married briefly, I was engaged briefly, but ultimately we found our way back to each other. 

The thing is, I don't think we ever really fixed some of the things that broke us up before we just kind of gave into the idea of being together and gave it another try. This last go round, I am not feeling it 100%, I don't think he was really in it and we seem to just be marking time instead of moving forward. He's a great guy but I don't think I'm getting the best he has to give. I doubt I'm giving him the best I've got either. But I can't let go of everything we've been to each other and neither can he. Any advice from you and the Bougie group? Thanks, Arminta

Yeah, um. Le Ouch. You're kinda going Roberta Flack on me here - telling my story with your song. But in this case, let my life be your lesson. Get. Out. Now. Damn the love. Sorry. That's harsh but the truth of the matter is - love is NOT enough. More specifically, the dangling promise of some glittery future where your love is golden? Where love conquers all and everything else that is wrong fades to black? Shake it off. That whole push me-pull me, we love each other so deeply so why can't it work out? Run from that. 

All this love and whatnot? Where's the ring? If a man wants to be with you, he will put his all into doing so. He wants you happy. He has plans for the future, he has plans to back up the plans and he makes your happiness and those plans a priority. Won't be all the back and forth. What you two have fallen into is known as a rut. A comfortable rut because you know exactly what you're getting. Your rut is so worn and deep it's now a ditch. What ya'll share may have been great once, now it might be good but either way, you owe it to yourself (and to him) to see what else is out there. Don't dwell in ditches, dance in a field of daisies. Okay, that's uber metaphorical and alliterative to boot but I know you feel me.

Listen, I know all about this. Seems like there's no one else who will get you like he does. Who knows your story and has those shared experiences. That level of ease is seductive as hell. You laugh together, the cocoa is still working. But guess what, there may be someone out there who treats you better, who also gets you and who wants to make new memories with you and he comes history-free. You don't even know how much better life could be until you find yourself living it and all of a sudden it's like - wow! Is this what it's SUPPOSED to be like? Girl, don't get me to preaching. Verily, I say unto thee - get thee gone. One of you has to break the chains, it might as well be you.

To answer your first question? How did I know it was time to abandon ship? I found myself reading over old journals where I was saying and thinking the exact same thing way back then and now. My resolution for this year was no more wasted time. Tomorrow ain't promised and life is too short. 

BougieLand, agree or disagree? Can you talk to Arminta and let her know your thoughts. Anybody know what I'm talking about? Do share...

Know when to walk away, know when to run...

Today's Ask a Bougie Chick letter comes from Alexia:

Ok...so there's a guy...let's call him Baggage (since he has alot of it)....our families are close...our aunts have wanted us to meet for quite a while. We finally met in October of last year at a party his family had. We talked briefly and I was so nervous that I didn't ask for the digits or any kind of contact info. About 3 weeks later, I realized my error and contacted him on Facebook saying that it was great to meet him and that I hoped to talk to him soon. He replied and said it was great to meet me and said that he was sure we would speak. 

About 2 months later after no talking a family member of his reached out to me stating that Baggage needed help with a familial situation. (I'm a therapist by trade). His ex wife...was causing issues as far as his children are related...I helped blah blah blah...we started to talk and, I thought, fall in like with each other. We talked about liking each other and wanting to go out (which to this day has not happened). We REALLY connect on so many levels it was too good to be true.

Fast forward to January of this year...his mom had an emergency health crisis...and he is now taking care of her...we went from talking nearly every day to talking very sparingly (like once a week or less). My question is...should I fall back completely and discontinue contact? Should I check in every now and then to see if he's ok? Should I be empathetic and give him space? I'm stuck. Please help.

Alexia - I'm confused. I don't see the connection. I say this not because you didn't mention details but because you two still haven't gone out. It is my unwavering belief that people make time for the things that are important to them. If dude is that much into you, he would make a way to see you, be with you, talk to you. Since he has not, my advice is to fall back and let it go.

Actually in this case where's there is a lot of baggage and drama plus you've got family blended into the mix? I almost advise you to sprint post haste in the opposite direction. Let me ask the crew - BnB, what say you? Should she hang around to see what comes next or keep it moving?

He said/She said but who's right?

Today's Ask a Bougie Chick comes from Donald and Cheri in Newark. Donald and his girlfriend of six months had a little contretemps and they want us to weigh in on who's right and who's wrong:

Hi Miss Michelle,

We've been dating long enough to call it exclusive but not long enough to have all the issues ironed out. Me (Donald) and my girl (Cheri) are single professionals in Newark. I work in Manhattan, she works in Jersey City. We kinda live together. Like she has her own spot but she's here all the time or most of it.

Not that it matters but I'm black and she's half-black and half Puerto Rican. Here's the deal, a few months ago my ex came by really late at night (after midnight). I was just going to ignore the door but she was texting and calling and could see a light on from outside. It was plain she wasn't going away. Cheri was like, just go open the door, tell her you are with somebody and shut it down. I went down and told her I had company. She went away.

A few nights ago, she came back. Again after midnight, same routine. This time Cheri is like, doesn't she know you have a girlfriend? Why is she here again? What is going on? Well I didn't tell her I had a girlfriend, I told her I had company last time so maybe she's just checking. Cheri goes to the door with a lot of attitude and long story short, they get into it screaming and shouting in the street and I have to step in between before things go from verbal to physical. After the ex leaves, Cheri wants to know why I didn't make it clear that I was in a relationship and she shouldn't come around and what was I going to do about it. I wanted to know why Cheri had to take it to a ghetto level.

I think she's wrong, she thinks I'm wrong. What do you think?

-d

*exhales* Well, wow. First off, this letter is wrong for putting two L's in my name. Moving on. Next, I think of the A, B and C of you? You're all three wrong. Your ex is wrong for rolling up. It's hella-rude to drift by somebody's spot without calling first, particularly after 10:00pm. That's kinda hoodie, sir. 

Your girl is wrong for getting all up in it. She took a bad situation and made it worse. She could've taken the high road, after all, she was nestled up next to you, she already won.(Assuming you're a prize?) Anyway...

You were wrong for not breaking it down to the ex so it would be forever broke. When the relationship ends, so do the late night drive-by booty calls. Unless there's something else you'd like to share with the class? Your role as the one chick's ex and Cheri's new boo is to draw the boundaries and set the rules and make sure everybody adheres to them.

Ya'll all acting a little special. Chill needs to be achieved across the board. Good luck.

BnB - what say you? Who's right, who's wrong? How to avoid this? And have you been in this situation? If so, how did you handle? Do share...