Friday, October 31, 2014

Boobs and P! Power - Scandal and a PSA

In the words of the Commodores - How can she lose those things she use?
In mid-September, I was running errands when one of Plano's finest pulled up behind me and flashed his lights. Le Sigh. I pulled over with a smile on my face, rolled down my window and spoke, "Hi Officer, how's your day going?" He paused and then blinked. "Um, better than yours. You don't have a front license plate, your inspection sticker is out of date and I can't find proof of insurance on this car in the system." I handed him all my documentation, explained about the inspection sticker all the while smiling and chatting about the weather, the Cowboys, the price of gas, whatevs.

"You are the most pleasant traffic stop I've had in a while." He informed me while he typed up $600 worth of fines into his little handheld. 

"Well, no need to make you feel bad about doing your job. Plus I was just headed to Zumba class so it's not like you're totally ruining my day." I brightened the smile and fluttered the lashes. 

"You know what?" He offered, leaning in. He may or may not have been ogling the boobs. "I'm not supposed to do this but let me tell you how you can get almost all of this excused and pay only a tenth of the fine." 

"That would be soooo awesome," I cooed and wrote down every word he said. He thanked me for my pleasant attitude and we went our separate ways. On the day I was supposed to go in and prove I had fixed all the stuff, I clickety-clacked into the Collin County courthouse, stood in line for 52 minutes (with a lot of really cranky people) and finally handed over my paperwork. She typed my name into the computer and looked up. "One second." She made a phone call.

Everyone stared at me like I was about to get Seal Team 6'ed up outta there. Officer Friendly came out from the back and motioned for him to meet me in the lobby. "Hi there!" I waved. He laughed and said, "Let's take a look." We went outside, looked at the car, he signed off on the paperwork. We walked back in and I saluted him, "Thanks for the service, you be careful out there." He walked away shaking his head. No, Officer Friendly was not cute. He was just a guy doing his job who enjoyed not getting cussed out.

When I handed my stuff back to the clerk, old girl said, "That will be $11." I didn't ask any questions, slid a ten and one across the counter. The guy that was behind me in line looked over and announced, "It must be awesome to have boobs." I grinned, "It rocks." He look stunned that I acknowledged that I had flirted my way out of a $600 fine. Then I hotfooted up out of there before somebody changed their mind. 

Last night on Scandal, Papa Pope was livid that Olivia out-maneuvered his nefarious plot to get rid of Jake while shaming Fitz. When he came to confront her at the pool, she calmly removed her goggles and told him that she had weapons at her disposal that he never would. Okay?! Boom-chicka-wow-wow and whatnot.

She basically touted the power of the p! to her daddy. Admirable? No. But totally true. 

Speaking of girl power, ladies - today is the last day of Breast Cancer Awareness month - did you get the girls checked? Medically and professionally, I mean... SMH. Get yo' mammogram on.

Ladies, I would ask if you've ever unleashed the power of p! (or merely exercised your God-given estrogen-powered right to be charming) to get something you wanted but that would be giving away the secret sauce, wouldn't it? Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Cocoa vs. Chocolate - When a casual conversation goes terribly wrong


For clarification purposes, let me start out by explaining that I started referring to naked aerobics between folks as "swirling the cocoa" or "sharing the cocoa" or "stirring the cocoa" (basically all verbiage involving making and partaking of cocoa) a few years back. I can't remember why. I had a good reason at the time and then it kind of became a thing: Cuddle cocoa, pity cocoa, hot and bubbly cocoa vs. yesterday's cold and curdled cocoa, measuring a man's stirring implement, sipping vs. over-indulging... you catch my drift.

Now that we've cleared that up, let me share a crazy conversation that I participated in the other day. It was an innocent enough get together of 6 girls and 4 guys. We ate and then three of the guys wandered off. Someone came by and offered me dessert - a chocolate mousse pie thing that I turned down with a sigh. I announced to the girl on my left, "I miss chocolate."

She nodded and said, "I miss sex."

The room went completely still. Even the crickets were like, "Wait... what?!"

Another girl sitting across from me kind of double-blinked and asked me, "Why did you give up chocolate? Are you allergic?"

"My waistline is allergic." I announced and everyone laughed. Awkwardness in room diffused.

Girl to left pipes up again, "You can live without chocolate though,  there is no substitute for sex." The three guys that had wandered off reappeared and took seats. Two leaned forward. One rubbed his hands together. Oh dear. We were really about to have this discussion?

Let's get the people in the room straight. There's me, guy I was with (Guy1), girl to my left (GTL), Trey, his girl T, Bryan, his wife Jazz, Some other dude (Dude), the girl seated across from me (Girl4) and then some other girl who shows up from time to time (RandomChick).

Before the guys could start, Jazz asked: "Why have you given up sex?"

GTL explains (in a lot of detail) that she's given up on men. Girl4 stops her in mid-whine and says, "Friend, that what toys are for."

Dude declares, "Toys are no substitute for the real thing."

Three of the women exchange looks and go silent.

Dude asks, "Seriously, the toys make up for not having the real thing? That's just not possible." He looked around like his feelings were about to be so hurt. I wondered which of the chicks in the room he was dating or had dated. 

"Sometimes the toys are better than the real thing!" RandomChick says. Hope it wasn't her.

Again, ladies - there are things we may think to ourselves and there are things we say in mixed company... learn the difference. Much chatter commenced about toys vs. human touch.

Trey asks, "Okay, if you had to chose between never having human interactive sex again or never buying new shoes, which would you do?"

I winced. I mean, shoes are important. I immediately started thinking of an out. "I get to keep all my current shoes?"

Bryan laughs, "You're going to wear something out, the shoes or the man. Which will it be?"

His wife answers, "Some of my shoes have been with me longer than you. I'm low-key tempted to go with shoes." She laughs, "Naw - I'll take you." No one 100% believes her but we let it ride. #DontStartNoneWontBeNone

Dude says, "That's like asking a man to give up sex or SportsCenter. I can catch the scores later."

Guy1 asks, "Bruh, you are comparing a man watching SportsCenter to a woman eating chocolate? That's not even apples or oranges. More like watching Durant vs Bron in a game seven for the championship."

"Like never disturbing your man during the Superbowl." RandomChick says.

"Or your woman. Is there a law against having sex while watching the SuperBowl?" I joked.

Guy1 is now side-eyeing me up and down. "Let's say you had to chose between sex and chocolate for the rest of your active sex years. Which do you pick?"

"Sex, for sure!" I say immediately. (I'm no fool) "But let me qualify that, it has to be good sex. I'm not giving up my chocolate high for lackluster cocoa."

"Right like when you really want chocolate, you want Godiva truffles, not a damned Hershey Kiss." Trey's girl T said. I like her.

Girl4 was like, "There's really no substitute for chocolate though. It releases serotonin and makes you feel so good."

Trey, "Like orgasmic?"

"Yeah."

"Then why not just have the orgasm?" Guy1 asks.

Thirty minutes into endorphins, serotonin levels, calories burned vs calories consumed and I nipped it in the bud. "It's a moot point because you can have both. On a great day, you can have both at the same time. Okay?"

High-fiving commenced but the question remains. If you had to chose between sex and chocolate, which would you pick? And is this not the silliest that turned serious discussion ever had?



Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Ninety-effing-two on the "Marriagability Matrix" - An ITOFTS Bougie Bachelorette Chronicle

*ITOFTS = I'm Too Old For This Shiggity

I recently had a man tell me that I was 92% of what he was looking for. 

Wait for it...

But he really needed that other 8%.

**Crickets**

Knowing that "You can take that 92% and stuff it up your anal-retentive anus" was a bit snide not to mention circular in logic and clearly not the right thing to say, I nodded and replied. "Go find it. And good luck."

He later called and tried to explain this "marriagability matrix" that he had in his mind but by that time I was so pissed off that I let loose a string of Beyonce lyrics strung together from all of her albums and punctuated them by slamming the phone down.

For those who are curious, the matrix had the top ten things you absolutely require in a life partner and then you score 1 - 10 on each item to come up with the total number. For giggles (after pear vodka shots), I did a matrix on dude. He was a 72. Did I tell him that? Hell yes I did when he called BACK to say we were just on a break and he needed time. I need no more time to wait on a 72 to get his mind right. Again.

This got me to wondering - if you had to rank your spouse/s.o. on a marriagability matrix - what might you put on it and how might they score? How would you score? Now don't go kicking up dust in your happy homes to feed my curiousity. I asked this question of several married and long-standing relationship couples I know and rarely did they rank each other higher than an 81. And they were happy about it. That's a B. 

I was a 92 and he walked. Say it with me now - I'm too old for this shiggity. We don't have to hold a requiem for this relationship, I'm already onto the next. Cuz apparently in addition to being an A-, I'm a serial monogamist and a glutton for punishment... :-/

Do you believe in rankings/criteria when it comes to choosing a mate or just go with your gut/heart? Do tell...

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Too weary to holla or throw up both my hands... thoughts on #Ferguson

A selfie of Mike Brown with his little sister...
It's just... enough. I'm weary and tired of of news, protests and debates about dead people of color. People dead before their time through no fault of their own. People who unfortunately encountered the wrong person at the wrong time. Unarmed children killed by ignorance and fear. Yes, I'm outraged and upset and frustrated and low-key helpless in the face of all the bigoted rhetoric but I can't do it everyday. I can't stay whipped up about the inequities and social injustices of the world all day everyday, it's exhausting.


The picture makes my soul ache. More depressing is the fact that whoever made the Black Lives Matter sign could have attached pages and pages and not listed all the applicable names.

Instead of running through all the epic shiggity that has gone down since Mike Brown was left to die in the street; I'll just summarize my thoughts:
  1. Everything that happened from the moment Darren Wilson shot that child six times to the police rport coming out has been bullshiggity and a complete subversion of the legal process. 
  2. I don't appreciate celebrities who had nothing to say or offer before the funeral showing up for the photo op
  3. Very few journalists are telling this story with a 360 degree view. It's frustrating.
  4. Once again, Black Twitter had to drag the country's attention towards real news. It was three days of images looking like 1980 Beirut and two mainstream journalists getting beat upside the head in McDonald's for news outlets to catch up. 
  5. Some dude put up a picture of Darren Wilson and a picture of George Zimmerman side by side with the hashtag #myheroes. Really?
  6. President Obama is not a Magic Negreaux. His ascension to the Presidency didn't cure racism or sent us into a color-blind utopia where bad shiggity never happens. Once more for the cheap seats... post-racism is a lie.
  7. President Obama has to be POTUS for 317 MILLION people. If he goes to one funeral for tragically killed black boy, he'd have to go to them all and never have time to do any other damn thing.
  8. Is the man, Obeezy, not deserving of a damn vacation? I mean look at him:
Weary on the journey
His face mirrors my thoughts exactly - Lord, what now? This is why I was so happy to chirp about Bey's performance at the VMA's and who wore what to the Emmy's and how long until Scandal comes back on. Because I need an escape from the reality that is race relations in America in 2014. Which is looking a lot like race relations in America in 1964. 
It's not that I don't care or that I'm not passionate about activism. It's that I can't carry it everyday. Not if I want to maintain any sort of positive outlook on the future of this nation. And by future, I just mean next week. I certainly can't look beyond that with any kind of clarity. But I'm here for those of you front-lining the struggle. I'm good to publicize an issue and write a check. Armchair activism is my wheelhouse. Let me wrap with this pic:

Can I get a witness? Thoughts, comments, insights? Do share...

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Question of the day - What's your intro?

I've been noticing as I've been out and about that people have a way of making (or not making) an entrance. Into rooms, conversations, restaurants, what have you.

I'm the sort of person who just walks in, looks around and then goes on about the business of whatever I walked in for. Other walk in, wait for people to notice them and then continue to clamor for attention. Some slide into a room hoping against hope that no one notices them at all. And other walk in wishing they were anywhere but there and clearly wondering how long until they can be gone again.

So I saw this question making the rounds on Facebook:



And I thought I'd ask it here. What's your intro music? And one step further, what do you think it says about you?

As for me, I'd need to rotate the playlist. Some days, I need Jill Scott's Golden. Other days, I need something from the Stevie Wonder playbook. And some days my mood is pure 90s-00s gangsta rap. what does that say about me? I'm a multi-faceted, complex woman but you learn to love me anyway.

BougieLand - got some intro music for yourself/ What would it be? What do you think it says about you?

Monday, July 21, 2014

A WTF Ask a Bougie Chick...



Sooooo...

I got a ping on Facebook a month or so back from a woman (we'll call her Isshe - as in, Is She Kidding Me With This!) who wanted to know what I would think about my man spending time in the basement before he came up to bed every night. Wait for it...

He was spending time in the basement watching sex tapes of himself and his ex-mistress. Yep. Isshe wondered if she should read something into that... Oh, and also... Dude (we'll call him WhatTha - you can guess why) had recently "loaned" ex-mistress $10,000 of THEIR money for "reasons he didn't want to share." Isshe and WhatTha have been married for three years and he began this behavior three months ago. Isshe doesn't know what she should do or if she should even be upset. 

So many questions. One - when Isshe called naked-sex-tape-woman (NSTW) an ex-mistress, what does this designation mean? Mistress implies one who is in a relationship with a married man. Was NSTW a former extramarital of WhatTha during this marriage or was he married before? Either way, EITH-ER WAY, it is not cool (So Not Cool) for him to have and watch cocoa videos of him and the ex but especially not before coming to bed with the new. Nawl. 

Next question, 10k? 10 large? Diez mil dolares? My dollars? Even if you are ballin' like that, fund disbursement over $200 must be discussed and agreed upon before it goes out the door. ESPECIALLY to your husband's ex-whatever. Isshe, girl - woman up. You are being played so hard, we should nickname you XBox. I cannot. Surely you know the answers before you wrote in? None of this is okay. Not remotely. By zero stretches of the imagination. But hey, do you...

Then as if she didn't like the answers I had given her, I got another message a few weeks later from someone using a different name asking this:


Um...
*flings monitor off desk*
I'm out. Bougieland, what ya'll got for Isshe?

Friday, May 23, 2014

Ain't nothin' changed but the date on the calendar


One of the Ask A Bougie Chick letters I just received was from a 23 year old lady who recently ran into her ex. Dana and her former-beloved, Nick were together all through college. Upon graduation, Nick told Dana that he didn't want to be "held back" or "tied down" so he broke up with her. No long goodbye, no I'll-be-seeing-you, just out. The evening of graduation no less. She got back to the spot and all his stuff was just gone. He put a post-it note next to his key that said, "Be well." And the part that really ticked off Dana? He had changed his Facebook status before breaking up with her. (Let me take a moment to thank Jesus that I didn't have to date with social media in my 20s) Back to this... Very classy, Nick. 

Fast forward 11 months to last week. Alumni happy hour. Who strolls up to Dana all smiles as if they agreed to remain friends? Yep. Nick sits down, tells her how great she looks and wants to catch up. Nick got caught up in a layoff at the bank where he was working while pursing his MBA and is not sure how he can afford to pay for the rest of his advanced degree. Dana is in the executive training program of a well known Silicon Valley tech company and the VP loves her. (Karma is that bitch, ain't she?) Anywho, Nick says he wonders if he was too hasty last year. He wonders if there's any of the old Nick-n-Dana sparks still smoldering that can whip back up into a fire. (Okay, I got dramatic. Ya'll know I write romance.) 

Dana says she'll think about it. And walks away. Since then, he's going full court press. Sent flowers to her job, dropped off her favorite takeout to her door, left messages on the phone and sent her the digital equivalent of this generation's mixtape via iTunes. 

Dana says she never got over Nick and her question to us is... have we been through this, do we have any insight and what should she do.

Hey Dana! Yes, we've been through this. The abrupt "deuces" followed by lack of closure and then later yonder they come back 'round with Le TapBack. There are so many posts about re-visiting the "ex-files" on here that you could pick anyone of them. They all basically say, "There's generally a reason why you broke up in the first place but... Do you." However, I actually have a few other thoughts: 
1. What happened to him not wanting to be tied down or held back?
2. What's his hurry?
3. Why don't you date around? If Nick is the one, he'll be the one today, tomorrow or next month.
4. I know men don't always apologize for the shiggity they do but um... he got to do better than "Hey, what's been up, pretty lady?"
5. Lastly, double-check his motives. You're doing well. He is on some struggle. Is he looking for a girlfriend or a sponsor? I'm just asking.
Dana, the game is the game is the game. Decide whether you want to play and if so, is he the one you want to play with. Those are my abbreviated thoughts. BougieLand, whatcha got for Dana?

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