Someone PLEASE get the belt for Rick Perry, Mike Steele, and friends

{Picture a darkened stage, OneChele enters stage right with 3 x 5 cards clutched in one hand. Taps the mic, "Is this thing on?" Clears throat. "Lights please?" Adjusts the microphone and speaks with authority, "When my father used to get exponentially beside himself with anger and dismay over our actions, he would lose his ability to put rational sentences together. After deciding that strangling us in our sleep was not an option, he had one thing to say: GET. THE. BELT! I now present to you letters to a few people in need of repeated thrashings with a two-inch white patent leather belt applied directly to their hindparts."}

Dear Rick Perry,

November 2010 can NOT come fast enough for me. I am SO ready to vote you out that I'm going to vote against you in the Republican primary... and I am not a registered Republican. There are only three people I wouldn't vote for over you: Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Satan. That's right, I said Satan. Lucifer, Beelzebub, I know you know him. At least Mr. Devil is committed to his cause and is about that hustle. You, on the other hand, are only committed to the aggrandizement of Rick Perry and your unfortunate devotion to hair products (not a good look).

It was one thing for you to turn down the federal Obama (stimulus/recovery) Dollars, we just politely overrode your a$$ on that nonsense. Most notably was your indifference to the extension of unemployment benefits for your suffering citizens. You spent more time worrying about the restoration of the Governor's Mansion than how the 1.2 million unemployed citizens (7.9% of the state's population at its highest point) would get by without the piece of check you were breaking them off.

And what's this bullshiggity about seceding from the Union? Have you lost your LAST piece of mind? Has all the hair product seeped into your brain? Secede and do what? Let YOU be King? I thinks not. Right now, Texas enjoys no state income tax, one of the lowest costs of living in the nation and in the Dallas area we have the third highest number of corporate headquarters per capita. What happens to all of that when you go dictator? Have you even thought about what secession would do to things like roads, schools, energy (all those federally subsidized goodies)?

Of course you haven't because this is all about you. And now that your wingnutty friends are standing out in front of the capital in Austin waving flags and picturing themselves in Davy Crockett hats, you want to back away. Too late. You standing all in front of the Alamo talking smack to say what? Lookie here, I DO remember the Alamo, do you? THEY. ALL. DIED. Got dey asses kicked by a stronger, more sane, more focused army. (Ooops, my bougie slipped. I did say "dey")

You want to get all feisty with entire US of A? Do it by yourself and your 42 flag-waving, gun-rack installing buddies. It is "leaders" like you that make me long for the days of public beheadings. Oh snap, do governors have some sort of Secret Service that will hunt me down cuz I pseudo-threatened The Perry's over-coiffed head? Hey BougieLand friends, if I go off the grid for a few days, please send over the bail money via PayPal care of


Michael Steele: (no dear for you)

Now I already kicked your a$$ up out of BougieLand, could you not take a hint? Let me see if I understand… you went to Howard University and bussed in your own WHITE people? For real tho'? Ninja please. (For those not in the know, MC Steele is on a tour of HBCUs reaching out to his peeps, word. He rolled up to Howard and reserved the first two rows for Young Republicans of somesuch place… they were all white. Yes, he imported white people onto a historically black college campus. That is JUST the way to get the inclusive vibe flowing. Ya'll know the Bouge is OneLove but that smells of a publicity stunt gone wrong)

I understand that at this point, you commenced to listening to yourself speak about the party of Lincoln for close to an hour while the audience had you on complete YouTube and twitter exposé mode. When you deigned to take a question or two, your answers sucked (to be blunt). A 23-year old stood up and told you her mother had died from cancer because she could not afford the chemo drugs. She had the temerity to ask you why you would oppose a healthcare plan that could keep millions from dying the way her mother did. You responded by accusing her of seeking publicity and then you turned your back. Literally turned your back on a young girl who is grieving and seeking answers. Is there a level of FAIL beyond EPIC? Perhaps STRATOSPHERIC? You are there.

I know you want more than anything to be the HNIC but here's a note or two: we have one of those, he resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in DC. He can answer questions without having them hand-written and screened prior to answering. He doesn't need to bus in folks for diversity representation at his speeches. And he actually gives two shakes of a damn when someone shares a painfully personal story.

You don't because it's all about you and your rapidly decomposing Party of No. No compassion, no common sense, no chance in 2010 or 2012. Imma say this one last time: GO. SIT. DOWN.


Dear WingNutty far-right Republican diehards screaming at the cameras,

I know Rick and Mike are your heroes. Crazy loves company all day long. I know you hate Barack for Breathing While Black. You hate him for being smart and rich and handsome. You hate him most of all for having the power that you don't have. The Haterade has to be kinda bitter by now, huh? Well, swallow another mouthful and listen up.

We put up with eight years of the village idiot smiling and nodding while he steered this country straight into the iceberg and you're mad because someone is trying to throw a life preserver or two? You are outraged that the President wants to speak to your children? I'm outraged by your outrage. Why don't you worry more about your children growing up without healthcare coverage, an ozone layer or a prayer of getting a Social Security check before the age of 85?

Bring on your posters and your videos and angry public rants. Speak loudly of Nazis and socialism. Talk on and on about re-seeding the tree of liberty. Buy all the guns and ammo you like. This time around, the revolution IS being televised and you all are looking straight stupid right about now. You are looking like a two year old child whose favorite toy was taken away… it's not a flattering look.

Really, all I have to say to you is… GET. OVER. IT.

{OneChele steps back, sips her dragonfruit VitaminWater and picks up the mic, "Thank you BougieLand, I love you!" Drops mic and exits stage left.}

Here endeth the rant. I actually had a really cute post about the death of R&B music planned for today until I made the mistake of reading the Huffington Post for two hours straight. I like Huffington but the topics covered had my blood on boil.

Any thoughts?