So in case we ever meet and it's over 100° outside, be forewarned - here are a few things that turn a bougie diva's charming smile upside down:
- Co-worker: We should NOT discuss our political affiliations. You telling me that the reason my contract is ending a month early is because I voted for Obama is not a good move. At all. Like if I was less bougie and more hoody, you would need to double check your ass in the parking garage this evening.
- Ex-boyfriend: You need not call. You are EX for a reason. But okay- when you do call (and they always do); please don't ask me to come and talk to your new girlfriend because she's curious about me. Of course she is and BTW, stop talking about me! For the record, we call this a 'for who, for what' situation. Trust and believe, regardless of how polite I have always been to you; you do NOT want me anywhere near your girl when I'm this cranky… unless you're ready for another ex?
- Starbucks worker: How hard is it to seal the lid on my iced caramel white mocha? Do I look pleased that half of a $5.00 drink is now all over my lovely linen two-piece outfit? No, I do not. Place, click and wait for the snap BEFORE you hand me the drink. Yes, I know you are sorry. Sorry enough to pay my dry cleaning bill?
- FedEx guy: It is SO not my fault that you "misplaced" my package yesterday. So why must I be punished by you ringing my doorbell at 7:00am? This is what BougieMom calls "a day late and a dollar short". I am not a morning person and it was already hell-like hot outside so no, I don't feel bad for giving you the side-eye when you felt the need to tell me how nice my robe was. Yes it's silk and why are you looking?
- Sam's Club: Epic Fail running out of the 36-pack of 16 oz Ozarka Spring Water today. Double Fail hiking up the Vitamin Water price by a $1.50. Yes I noticed and yes, I'll wait right here for the manager to explain how the value of flavored water went up 8.7% in a week. Hmm? You have an in-store coupon? I appreciate that, really I do.
- Valet guy at the Mexican spot for lunch: The purpose of valet is so that bougie folks such as myself do not have to stand in the elements sweating up their coffee-stained linen. The octogenarian who came out after to me walked to her car and was halfway home before you brought my car around. Your $1.00 tip was out of pity not appreciation; no one should have to work outside today.
- 7-11: All a sister wanted was a cherry and Coke swirled Slurpee. The Coke was working fine; the cherry was sputtering all over the place and basically just spit cherry syrup at me. Yes, the red stain makes a perfect complement to the coffee stain. Adding injury to insult, I slipped in the syrup, banged my knee and said syrup stained my canvas slingback espadrilles. All around wardrobe fail today. That which was trendy at 9:00am is tired before 2:00.
- Money-Grubbin' Power Company: Seriously? Grid-overload at 3:00 pm? A crew is on the way? What is that going to cost me? It's been over 100° for 6 days in a row; did no one anticipate a million air conditioners running simultaneously?
Oh, don't mind my rant. This was clearly a day when I should have knocked the alarm off the bedside table and stayed in bed. Or sat in a pool with oiled-up cabana boys bringing me mango mojitos every half-hour. Instead, I'm hot, thirsty, stained and decidedly cranky. And the day's not over yet.
Ever have one of those days? Did someone do/say something to you today that just rubbed the wrong way? I would ask how many of you live somewhere that gets crazy hot in the summer but thanks to global warming/El Niño, unless you live on an Arctic Ice Cap, the answer is yes.