Today's letter comes from Arminta in St. Paul. She and her man Ken have broken up and gotten back together several times over the last decade.
Hi Chele,Hope this finds you continuing to be fabulous! I've been reading your blog for a while and I notice you've talked about one guy that you've been in and out of a relationship with for a while until you finally pulled the plug. I've been doing the same thing for a little over ten years. I'm wondering how you knew when it was time to let it go or just hang in?
I've known Kendrick for years, we were drawn to each other from the start but there was always something off. Timing, circumstances, distance. Finally, we got together and it was awesome. We had a really good four year stretch a few years back that was amazing. We were both invested in each other and spending time until well - to be honest I don't even remember what it was that broke us up that time. Anyway, we've given it a try time and time again. We can't seem to stay away from each other. We've both taken breaks and during our time apart we've met other people. Ken was married briefly, I was engaged briefly, but ultimately we found our way back to each other.
The thing is, I don't think we ever really fixed some of the things that broke us up before we just kind of gave into the idea of being together and gave it another try. This last go round, I am not feeling it 100%, I don't think he was really in it and we seem to just be marking time instead of moving forward. He's a great guy but I don't think I'm getting the best he has to give. I doubt I'm giving him the best I've got either. But I can't let go of everything we've been to each other and neither can he. Any advice from you and the Bougie group? Thanks, Arminta
Yeah, um. Le Ouch. You're kinda going Roberta Flack on me here - telling my story with your song. But in this case, let my life be your lesson. Get. Out. Now. Damn the love. Sorry. That's harsh but the truth of the matter is - love is NOT enough. More specifically, the dangling promise of some glittery future where your love is golden? Where love conquers all and everything else that is wrong fades to black? Shake it off. That whole push me-pull me, we love each other so deeply so why can't it work out? Run from that.
All this love and whatnot? Where's the ring? If a man wants to be with you, he will put his all into doing so. He wants you happy. He has plans for the future, he has plans to back up the plans and he makes your happiness and those plans a priority. Won't be all the back and forth. What you two have fallen into is known as a rut. A comfortable rut because you know exactly what you're getting. Your rut is so worn and deep it's now a ditch. What ya'll share may have been great once, now it might be good but either way, you owe it to yourself (and to him) to see what else is out there. Don't dwell in ditches, dance in a field of daisies. Okay, that's uber metaphorical and alliterative to boot but I know you feel me.
Listen, I know all about this. Seems like there's no one else who will get you like he does. Who knows your story and has those shared experiences. That level of ease is seductive as hell. You laugh together, the cocoa is still working. But guess what, there may be someone out there who treats you better, who also gets you and who wants to make new memories with you and he comes history-free. You don't even know how much better life could be until you find yourself living it and all of a sudden it's like - wow! Is this what it's SUPPOSED to be like? Girl, don't get me to preaching. Verily, I say unto thee - get thee gone. One of you has to break the chains, it might as well be you.
To answer your first question? How did I know it was time to abandon ship? I found myself reading over old journals where I was saying and thinking the exact same thing way back then and now. My resolution for this year was no more wasted time. Tomorrow ain't promised and life is too short.
BougieLand, agree or disagree? Can you talk to Arminta and let her know your thoughts. Anybody know what I'm talking about? Do share...