Blogger's disclaimer: Don't come at me about hating on geishas. I'm not, it's just a helpful alliteration not a cultural knock.
I have this one rabid email/twitter/facebook stalker who feels compelled to write me twice a week and tell me what's wrong with black women in the 21st century. It's actually a group of regulars that want to share their opinions: on why black woman are single, alone and hopeless to change their unfortunate circumstances. I generally delete without reading skim the first few sentences and then move on.
But I noticed that the last few emails were specifically about me and what I was doing wrong in my situation. The line that caught my eye was:
You are going to lose your man to an Asian woman because they know how to cater to men. They know how to kneel down and let their men stand tall. Black women only get on their knees for one reason and they aren't very good at that.
Ummmkay. I'm going to let you digest that for a minute while I share a few lines from an Ask a Bougie Chick that I refused to publish:
You should definitely write more posts about what a woman needs to do to keep a man. Even though you can be kinda ballsy, you appear to know how to play your position. A man wants to worshiped, not whipped into shape.
See now... this is the sort of stuff that sets my teeth on edge. There are so many things wrong with these statements, I don't even know where to start. Of course I do. The worst thing about the first quote is that it was written by a woman. I'm not getting into the whole submit/obey meme - we have been there, done that around here and ne'er shall the two sides agree. My point with this is that you would think a woman would know better than to rampantly stereotype other women. I think Asian women must be just as sick of being called meek and mild as Black women are of being called brash and bold.
The line about getting on the knees is just so out-of pocket, I can't even address it. But it does make one curious - how does she know sisters aren't good at that? Where did she gather her intel? Food for thought.
The second quote is one of those backhanded compliments I hate so very much. I'm "ballsy" but I know how to "play my position"!? For real tho? What position might that be? You know what? Never mind.
You all know I could go in on that for another six paragraphs. Yet I shan't. Here's what I will say - when are folks going to learn to appreciate nuance or subtle differentiation in thought, word and deed? You can cater to a man without kissing his ass. You can decide to fall back and let him handle things without being a doormat. Deference ≠ Docility. Relenting ≠ Rolling Over. Agreement ≠ Acquiescence.
On the flip, you can expect your man to cater to you in return. You can get to a point where you know each other's strengths and weaknesses and know when to defer to the other. David knows world financial markets, I know shopping at World Market. David is into historical biography, I watch the History and Biography Channels. If we're even on Jeopardy, we'd totally rock.
This next point cannot be stressed often enough - if a man leaves a woman for a different type of woman, he was leaving anyway. And if a woman twists herself into pretzel shapes trying to be exactly what he wants and he leaves anyway... how does that leave her? Twisted.
Last but not least, why do folks always assume that the same thing that works on them will work on someone else? With the notable exceptions of sex and steak sandwiches, not all men like the same things. So why on God's green earth would I aspire to write about how you should keep your man and make him happy? If I had that magic formula, you already know where I'd be... the beach house in Fiji with the Cabana Boy and a lifetime supply of vanilla rum.
Men, do you seriously want to be worshiped? I would think that would get exhausting up on that white charger 24/7. Bougieland, what say you to Idiot One and Idiot Two above? And when will someone come up with a better way to block spam? The floor is yours...