How to make a woman feel like a woman

I read an article today, it pissed me off. (more on that tomorrow) Here's my knee jerk response. 

Hey fellas, found you a good woman? Need tips on how to keep her?  We don't want her getting away now do we? The good ones are so hard to find! All you have to do is make her feel like a woman. Your woman. Your queen-to-be! Here are some surefire ways to keep that cutie locked up tight.

1. Buy her only clothing and accessories in shades of pink. Nothing says girly girl like pink. 
2. Have her walk on nothing but rose petals. Sure, this can get expensive but isn't your girl worth it? 
3. Pay all her bills, in advance if possible. Nothing flutters the heart of your little sweetheart like free electricity and running water! 
4. Tell her she is the most beautifullest girl in the world all the time. As a matter of fact, to be sure she knows you're sincere you should start every sentence with "O Most Beautifullest Girl in The World lend me thine dainty feminine ear that I may whisper musings that please you."  
5. Give her a pedicure and foot massage once a week. If you're not sure of the technique, take some classes! Well worth your time and investment! 
6. Feed her. Don't just buy the food! You need to prep it, serve it on fine china and carry the food from plate to mouth via silver forks. This will make her yours forever! 
7. Agree with her on everything. Sure, you have opinions of your own. But no one wants to hear them. Just nod and say, "You're so right, baby." 
and last but not least...
8. Orgasms. The ladies require three a day. Everyday. For life. Now you are going to have to learn to sometimes achieve this quickly as women don't have all day to wait on you to get the pleasuring right. Work on your technique and bring your A game at all times. Here's a tip: Hydrate, Stretch, and Deep Breathing. Go get her, tiger!
So that's it. That's all you need to do to get, keep, trap and lock a woman in. Any woman. We're basically all the same anyway. 

If I have to tell you this is satire, you are losing at life.