Tales from the Ex-Files: Let’s call it closure, shall we?

OneChele enters stage left. Walks to podium, taps mic. "Check one, two. Spotlight please?" OneChele clears throat and begins to recite: "A letter to The Ex."

Bougieland ~ Indulge me while I get this off my chest…

Dear Ex,

This is the one and only time that I'll admit this so let me say it for all the world to see… yes, we were awesome. There was an awesomeness about us that will be hard to replicate. We had that thing, that vibe, that za-za-zu. People say there was an energy that surrounded the two of us. Apparently an energy that made others stop and look with knowing smiles. Yes, I still have people (and family members) asking "whatever happened to…" "I really thought you two would make it" Yeah, so did I.

When we were awesome, we were really, truly awesome. We could talk, we could laugh, we could sit in silence and say absolutely nothing and have the best time in the world. You got moody, I got moody but we knew when to just give each other that extra bit of space. My family liked your family, your family liked mine. I will take a moment to applaud your romance game. The trips, the flowers, the jewelry, the gifts, even that one time you FedEx'd Vitamin Water to me because it wasn't available in that remote piece of crap place where I was stuck doing a consulting assignment. I still smile at the memory of stuff like that.

We never ran out of things to talk about. I beat you at Scrabble, you beat me at Gin though I will swear to my dying day that you cheated. (no surprise there) I spoiled you with homemade lobster pizza, you spoiled me with Gucci shoes. You introduced me to Entourage, I introduced you to Grey's Anatomy.

This is a family (sorta) blog, so there's no need to go into our most personal interactions. It's enough to say the judges awarded 10s across the board.

Unfortunately when we weren't awesome… we were absolutely terrible. One of us had a temper that would simmer for weeks and then boil over (me), one of us had a problem with honesty (you), one of us just shut down when provoked (me), one of us kept making promises that never got kept (you), one of us perfected radiating waves of pisstivity (me), one of us flirted inappropriately with people all the damn time (you). Both of us were stubborn, both of us hated to admit when we were wrong and there were definite times when we just said whatever needed to be said to end the discussion rather than getting to the bottom of the issue.

I own that I wasn't a paragon of perfection in the relationship but um… you had that whole inability to make a decision and stick to it thing and what else – oh, the random broads that would slip and fall naked on top of you. Long story short, you wanted to have your cake and brownies too… with a side of sweet potato pie… with whipped cream on top… and gummy bears sprinkled on the plate.

So when you decided to go back to the woman who allowed you to have all your desserts while turning a blind eye, I was ticked off in an epic kind of way but I understood. Why stay with the one who's going to actually make you work at being a better person when you can be with the one that you like "well enough" and lets you get away with all manner of shiggity. Got it. This is why I sent you the Jill Scott song with lyrics (in case you missed the point):

But then after time and distance, I realized you did me a HUGE favor. Huge. Life-altering in fact. Sure you wasted years and years and years in the prime of my life but I can appreciate that you didn't waste any more. In fact, I'm Good. Cue the video:

Just so we understand each other? Cool.

But what I don't understand is why, after our four separate "closure" discussions, even after the KRYPTONITE letter, you persist in trying to reach me? In any manner or media. It's no longer a case of what you have to say to me. It's a case of I don't want to hear it. I'm currently on a man break. I expect that to last another month or two. But I'm on a break from you for oh, let's say the next ten years. Seriously. I've learned my lesson and I get that you never will. So now in addition to blocking your email and calls, we can add texts to the list. And now that I've written this letter, I can go back to my happy place. You should get one of those (that doesn't involve me) and stay there.

Smooches and best of luck with all of that… Chele.

Okay, I'm better. Bougienistas – your thoughts on exes, closure and why some folks just won't stay gone?