Happy 2015! I resolve... not to make any resolutions

I cannot, in good conscience, kick off one more January with a peppy New Year, New You! post. I cannot. Let's face facts. We did not magically become new people between midnight December 31st to 12:01 am January 1st. All the faults and foibles we possess are still there. We are who we are for the most part.

What a new year DOES do (just like a new day only with a bigger sketchpad) is give you an opportunity to draw a different road map. You don't get to hit a reset button really but you can say, "I'd like to do x and y and z this year" and people nod and encourage you to do so. However, if it's the exact same x and y and z you've resolved to do in multiple years' past, allow for the fact that folks are going to side-eye the hell out of you. 

But that's okay too. I, for one, have decided against the annual making (and breaking) of resolutions. I'm just going to continue to be a better me, whatever that turns out to look and sound like. 2014 was more win than lose for me so instead of picking it apart, I'll just take the W.

However, I will take a moment to talk about broad lessons learned in 2014. And yes, some of them sound familiar because apparently, I'm the sort of gal who has to learn things the hard way and more than once...

1. Rarely do the best things happen overnight or without a bit of sweat equity. This counts in relationships and work.
2. Be careful what you wish for cuz you just might get it. Can I get a witness?
3. Not everything you want is what you need. C'mon somebody.

What about you? Did you keep to your 2014 resolutions? Trying again this year? Do share...

Lessons from #Scandal: Ladies, before you start declaring #EarnMe...

Sorry all - Spoiler Alert. If you haven't watched May 2, 2013 episode of Scandal this post spills all the tea...

Last night on the "A Woman Scorned" episode of Scandal, Olivia issued a challenge heard round the world to Pres Fitz: "I am not a toy you can play with when you’re bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, Earn me!" Cannot deny - it was epic. Immediately, 80% of the bruhs sent up collective groans while 100% of the women-folk screamed out, "YES! You betta earn me up in here!"

#EarnMe became a thing. Instantly. I'm waiting for someone to hook up the purple "Earn. Me. Dammit." tank top so I can purchase and rock with much attitude.

But hold up ladies, please press the brakes for a minute. The same way I begged of you not to put your hand in your man's face whilst screaming, "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it." I also implore you not to  get to issuing "Earn. Me!" ultimatums to your boo. Unless you're worth it and you're absolutely sure he thinks you're worth it too.

I'm just saying.  A week or so ago I asked the fellas to check their dateability stock on the open market. I'm going to ask the ladies to make sure you are not in the bargain bin expecting some Neiman-Marcus type return on investment. Look, I love ya'll. I think each (okay most) of you are worth your weight in gold. Just make sure your boo feels the same before you talk that talk.

You don't break "Earn Me" out of your book of tricks for dinner on a Wendesday night. There's proper place and time to bring out that kind of heavy artillery. I mean, you can just be all willy-nilly with the "Earn Me" of it all. Also (as well) make sure you want to be earned before you toss it out there. Maybe you are worth it and dude is not. Poor Edison put his time in and tried to earn him some Olivia only be sent packing with an old ring and high-heeled pump in his hind parts. Jake didn't even get a goodbye (not that he deserved one). Hear me ladies, words have power. Use them correctly or not at all.

First Lady Mellie thought she was worth it too. Ivy League grad, old money, good to luck at, stands by her man, brings him scotch in the shower and still tries to swirls the cocoa. Mellie is the wife and sat over in lonely stale-ass Blair House expecting her man to show up and earn back her love. He was too busy saying, "Hi," in the shower with Olivia. Yeah he was. 

Um. Hmm... We see ya'll.

The next and last lesson we need to learn from last night's Scandal? After the man makes the grand gesture and the girl takes him back? Someone should think about what happens next, shouldn't they?

No one ever thinks about how that "happily ever after" is actually going to work. Fitz blew up his marriage, Liv blew off a guy we all think is suspect and a lot of moving pieces are still on the loose and up to no good. So now what? In real life? I think we all know this scenario ends poorly. But this is ShondaLand. Lawd knows what she's got in store for us.

Oh, one other thing - fellas please - we know this is fiction. You don't have to worry about an entire nation of side chicks rising up talmbout "Earn me." 

Rarely happens in real life, we know this.

Also, Fitz is a fictional President, he can do the ratchet stuff he does because he's cute and he's a fictional President... you all may not. Calm down. (The innanets were alive with the haterade from some of the fellas last night, calm down ☺)  

BnB - ready to tell the one you love to "earn you" yet? How do you think that would go over in real life? Inquiring minds want to know.

Lessons Learned from #Scandal - The Truth Will Out

As many of you know, Scandal is a Shonda Rhimes-penned TV obsession of mine. Though she has a tendency to deliberately dance up and down on her audience's emotions and nerves, I find her writing style to be brilliant and she always peppers her episode with one or two "morals to the story" if one only cares to look beyond the dramatical to see them.

Watching last Thursday's Scandal "Top of the Hour" episode was one such show. In addition to the over the top drama (wait - girlie had an affair with her professor that went on for years and whose child is that?!), underneath the spectacularism was a prevailing truth.

My Aunt Violet used to say in her whispery, West Indian voice: "Gurl, the truth will always out. You can't run from the truth or death, they always catch up to you." The truth will out? Yes, the adults would nod sagely and one would always tack on, "Things done in the dark always come to light."

The thing of it is, everyone has a skeleton (or ten) in their closet. Whether one of those bones will come flying out today, tomorrow or after you're gone is the question. With few exceptions (Jimmy Hoffa not withstanding), the little things we don't want found out invariably do come out and always (ALWAYS) at the wrong darn time. 

The question is, what to tell and what to take to the grave? In this case, when the wife and mother became CEO of a publicly-traded company and her former lover was nominated for a Supreme Court position - it might've served her well to pull husband to the side and do some preventative damage control. Instead, her secrets eeked out one at a time so that each blow cut deeper than the last. No bueno, chica. No bueno.

In Olivia's case, she kept secret from Fitz that she agreed to rig the election to win him the presidency. When was a good time to share that dirty little secret? I have to say, the 33rd of Neveruary would have been a fine time. Verna's deathbed confession scotched that all up. But once Olivia found out that he knew, she should have done immediate damage control. Now he's double-fisting scotch at midday and she's swigging $300 wine straight from the bottle. No bueno, chica. No bueno.

Lessons learned in this episode? The easy one is simply not to sleep with people you ain't supposed to be sleeping with but let's keep it real, shall we? Other lessons: There's always a paper (digital) trail. If you're doing dirty, don't do it digital. A phone call log can be explained. A skanky email? Not so much. There are cameras everywhere. Even when you think they're aren't? There probably are. If one other person knows your secret - it's not a secret. Point blank. Folks crack for all sorts of reasons. And last but not least - it's always a better idea to out yourself than to be outed. Please stop and read that again. If you've got skeletons, it's ALWAYS better to drag them out and display them in your own way than to have someone do it for you. You can dress them up, add musical accompaniment and make the skeleton seem not to darned scary. Everyone else is going to Stephen King/Tim Burton your ish.

What do you think, BougieLand? In the cases where you can't take it to the grave, better to self-snitch or no? Thoughts, comments, insights on the Scandal of it all?

Lessons Learned from #Scandal - Love hurts but...

I've already admitted my obsession with the TV show, Scandal. So why not turn that into something useful? Like a new BnB series - Lessons Learned from Scandal. Today, let's talk about that quote Olivia dropped on Edison last week (seen above). The beauty of this is that even if you don't watch the show, you can read that quote and cringe right along with the rest of us.

The quote sent me into a momentary tailspin of self-reflection - was this my problem? Do I only love love if it's dramatical, mystical and magical and fraught with tension? For a moment, I thought yes and then slowly I swung back the other way... no. In fact, hell no. (remember Dude formerly Known as New and how he was ousted from the island due to what? DRAMA!)

The truth of the matter is - yes, love does hurt. It can grab you in the gut and twist you into pretzel shapes, chew you up and spit you out. This is true. But it should not torture you to death's door, have you peering over the edge into Lucifer's living room before snatching you back with a maniacal giggle. That's doing too much.

For a love to be extraordinary, it doesn't have to be a roller coaster ride, or at least not a death-defying one for criminy's sake. Olivia can have that constant love struggle. I do not want. My lesson learned from that quote - love means different things to different people. For Olivia, she appears to like her relationships on raging inferno status with no extinguisher in sight.

Now, had she said that she didn't want an easy-like-Sunday-Morning, dull-as-a-dishwater, comfortable-as-an-old shoe kind of love - that I understand. And no, fellas - please don't make this another argument for the "women only want thugs" or "nice guys finish last" memes. Women want chemistry. Whether it's wearing a leather jacket or a sweater vest. <~~ don't come at me for sweater vest bias. 

Not saying I don't want the relationship to be easy, but I prefer the take-my-breath-away, sparks-fly-when-our-eyes-meet, you-are-totally-feeling-me kind of love... that eventually feels like Sunday morning. I like my coffee strong, my food spicy and a little extra je-ne-sais-quoi in my love life. Not that steal-a-country, snuff-out-a-Supreme-Court-justice level of drama... I'm not here for that. Just want my breath to quicken and my eyes to light up when That Guy enters the room. If I'm rolling my eyes thinking, "Here he come again." It's not going to work out. 

So I wonder BougieLand - Are we drama/adrenaline junkies in our love lives? Do we only feel like it's love if it's some all-consuming orchestra music swelling to a crescendo maelstrom of emotion? Does love have to be extraordinary for us to accept it? Can you have "true" love without the chemistry? Can a love that's just easy work just as well? Do discuss...

Change: You can't force it, fight it, or fervently wish it into existence

My final thoughts on Lessons Learned from Iyanla's Fix My Life (whew!) - change doesn't happen in a vacuum. It takes a commitment to action and follow-up on that action. Again, not to judge Evelyn but I couldn't help but wonder how ready for change she really is and whether or not she'll take the lessons that Iyanla was giving her and use them for transformative living down the road. I hope she does.  hope this wasn't all for the publicity and I hope we've all managed to get something thought-provoking out of what was some hot mess.

Here's what I know to be true:

1) You can't make somebody change. I don't care how fine, smart, manipulative, cocoa-stirring-wondrous, nightly-praying, beseechifying (yes, I'm making words up) you are. If a person (including yourself) is not willing to change, it's not going to happen. Note: A ring nor a baby nor a wedding will magically transform someone who dos not want transformation. If you are meeting people that you think you want to change, just walk away. 

2) Even if people want to change, they may not be ready. There really is a season for everything and it just may not be that's person season to be who you need or want them to be. Sometimes people just aren't ready to make a change or are too entrenched in the known to embrace the unknown. Some folks will eat the exact same thing every Thursday night for 20 years. I know I spent a good five years lamenting the fact that I wasn't a writer but hadn't sent a word to anyone for them to read. I was comfortable as a well-paid HR consultant and writing was just a dream. It wasn't until I took a chance and embraced the change that it started happening for me. Also, you can't expect people to change on your schedule. They're ready when they are ready and not a minute before. Drop a hint and nudge all you want. When it happens (if it happens), it happen.

3) Even if someone is ready and willing to change? They may not be able to. Let's break it on down - some simply cannot change. They don't really want to or they won't try to or they just don't know how. All of the cuddling, counseling or cajoling in the world can't get this person over the hump. This is where the saying about old dogs and new tricks comes from. The one about horses, water and drinking? All of that. 

So what does it all mean? It means all you can really do is change yourself if you so desire. Everything else is out of your hands. Quit stressing about it.

BougieLand, ever met someone who is just set in their ways? Ever tried to changed an s/o? How'd that work out for you? What, if anything, new did you take a moment to think about this week? Do share...