Question for the Ladies Week

Wrapping up Questions for the Ladies Week: Worst of the rest

Usually, I would do the "Best of Rest" to wrap up Questions for the Ladies Week but some of the questions sent in were so very terrible that I had to share the worst. And these are bad. No offense to the guys that sent these in. I suspect that you are going through some things with your current S.O. and I apologize on behalf of all womanhood for that. Without further ado… here are the worst of the rest.

  1. What does it mean when a woman goes silent?
  2. What is the best pick up line you ever heard?
  3. If I say I love you and you don't say it back, what does that mean?
  4. What attracts you to that "bad boy" type?
  5. What is the best way to approach a woman about having a threesome? Or some other sex act she may not normally perform?
  6. Can you just fall back and let me be the man, please?

We touched on these on the radio show Wednesday night. If you missed the show, check it out. But here's the basic consensus of what we said:

Answer 1 ~ It means something is very, very wrong. When a woman can't even be bothered to put the words together to tell you how ticked off she is… that's bad.

Answer 2 ~ We don't like lines. Smile, walk over and introduce yourself. That works. Tell us we're pretty (in a good way not a 'hope to see you naked' way)

Answer 3 ~ Could mean many things. Could mean I don't love you back. Could mean I don't love you yet. What's the context? When are you saying it? How long have you known the person you are saying it to?

Answer 4 ~ I'll have to defer to someone else. I tried dating a bad boy once for prom (after my original date back out one week earlier). It was exciting right until the moment he pulled my mother's car up in front of a crackhouse to pick up some money for dinner. Um, yeah – he's still in jail. No more bad boys for me. Now if you're talking about men with confidence

Answer 5 ~ O__o <~~That's a side-eye. Seriously? Know who you got. If you have a woman open to that sort of thing, you already knowing. If you don't… you know that too.

Answer 6 ~ This is my favorite terrible question of the week. I have to assume that the person who sent this in is having a helluva time with the woman in his life. The easy answer is yes. The next answer is – many of us are dying for you to step up and be the man. The complex answer is actually a question – when you say "be the man" what exactly does it mean? Again, we need more context.

BougieLand – thanks for your input this week. Any comments, answers, thoughts or prayers about these raggedy questions and the week on the whole? The floor is yours.

Question for the Ladies: What’s with the game playing?

Continuing Question for the Ladies Week, it appears that there are still some women out there playing games and scotching it up for the straight-shooting sisters. Le Deep Sigh. I'm not going to sit here and say I never played games; I'm going to say it's been awhile. Moving on… The questions on this topic were as follows:
  1. How should men know when a woman is interested?
  2. Why accept a date when you're not interested?
  3. Why string us along if you've already put us in the friend zone?
  4. We get that "no means no" but when everything else you've done all night screams yes – what's with the last minute no?
  5. Why can't women ever say what they really mean?
I really don't want to project this back onto you fellas but from this week's questions and comments – I implore you to start seeking out a better class of female. No that's not all I have to say… let's get it started.
Answer 1 ~ She'll smile at you. She'll approach you. She'll tell you. If she smiles, approaches and tells you – you're all good. Check the various non-verbal signals. Is she happy to see you, takes your phone calls, answers your texts, making an effort to be around you, talk to you, trying to be up in your personal space? She's interested.
Answer 2 ~ Fellas, if this is happening to you, I'm sorry. This means she wasn't sure she was feeling you and decided to "test drive" you or her first choice date fell through and she wanted to go out. Sorry. It's true.
Answer 3 ~ The same reason you put us in the friend zone it's a "Save for Later" place where we can keep an eye on you. According to Chris Rock: A platonic friend to a woman is like “a d*** in a glass case. In case of emergency, break open glass.” We've talked about the friend zone, if you want out... make a move.
Answer 4 ~ This question is disturbing on a lot of levels. No means no regardless of what we've said and done. I'm going over in my mind what a woman could do that "screams yes" and I've decided I don't want to know. Just expect that the answer is no until it's yes. That way it's a pleasant surprise.
Answer 5 ~ I can't answer this one. I'm a shoot from the hip, card on the table girl. I need a man to understand me so I make it plain and repeat it. If you have a woman who is talking in circles, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but talking ain't one. <~~ Okay, that was flippant. (though a great Jay-Z reference) I've had wine. Let me get ya'll an answer...

I'm going to turn this over to BougieLand:
Fellas – Are you finding that a lot of women play games? If so, what kinds and how do you deal with it?
Ladies – Your take on any (or all) of the five questions above? We still game-playing in 2010?
The floor is yours…

For every @HillHarper, there are 39 taco-eatin’ Pookies & Ray-Nays – Do we know a “Good Man” when we see one?

By now, you probably heard the infamous story from Nightline Face/Off where it was revealed that Sherri Shepherd met Hill Harper years ago at a Taco Bell and blew him off. And shame on her for not recognizing the potential and hustle in a bus-pass-totin' 99-cent-taco eatin' brother with a cute smile. Um-hmm. Let me get to the point.

This week is Questions for the Ladies week and I received a whole flurry of self-righteous, indignant questions about why sisters can't SEE the potential in a brother. Matter of fact, one dude wrote in all caps, wouldn't it be fair to say that we (the sisters) would not know a "good man" if he came up and smacked us in the face with a letter of reference signed and sealed by Barack and Michelle Obama, Maya Angelou and Jesus Christ put together. Setting aside the improbability of any man possessing such a letter (but if you do, holla at me) and setting aside the fact that a "good man" would not have smacked us in the face with anything… let me say – let's get ready to rumble.

I have to preface my responses by reminding the readership that this here is the Black 'n BOUGIE blog. Not Black 'n On the Corner of the Block, not Black 'n In Yo Mama's Basement, not Black 'n Still Aspiring to Rap at age 40. No sir… this is Black 'n Bougie. If that makes me stuck up and siddity in your eyes, alrighty then. So no, I may not see your potential immediately if you're not in the geographic location or exterior packaging that I'm used to. Doesn't mean I won't see it… means I don't see it at a glance.

Next – Hill Harper is the Bougie Mascot. His parents are doctors and old boy is triple (yes triple) degreed. He has multiple revenue streams, a retirement plan and the ear of movers & shakers nationwide. Okay? Don't play us like the next Hill Harper is hanging out at every Taco Bell waiting on the hook-up. Sherri's flaw was that she didn't ask the first five Bougie Screening questions: Where are you from? Who are your people? What do you do? Why are you doing it? What's next for you? Guarantee if she'd heard the answers to those questions, she'd have hopped on the LA Metro bus right beside him and rolled out.

Today's Questions for the Ladies – Would you recognize potential in a man? Do we know what a "good man" looks like?

Answer 1 ~ Some of us would, some of us wouldn't. The broader issue being… how long would a woman wait on potential? I, for example, am over 35. The men I meet should be on the path of their chosen life plan. If they were sidetracked, they need to have another plan in place. It's not going to be a comfortable situation for me to date a 40 y/o who is still finding himself, living on someone's couch, or has no clue how to be a grown up. Someone needed to catch me in my 20s for all that. A woman in her twenties will no doubt have more tolerance for the lack of life plan than I do.

Answer 2 ~ Every woman is going to have a different definition of what a "good man" is. Sure we'll agree on the four cornerstones: Considerate, caring, compassionate and capable of honesty. That's just a foundation. Others are going to want to add in things that they need – some women may need a supportive man, a Christian man, a protective man, the list is endless. But if the question is do we know if someone is "good for us" right off the bat? The only answer I have for you is… some do and some don't.

Let me share a recent BougieTale:

For the record, I have NO issue with men who work with their hands. Honest hard day's work with the sweat of his brow, putting his back into it… um, let me leave that analogy right there. The point is… I've always considered myself an equal opportunity dater. When I said this out loud to a group of close friends, they fell out (one literally on the floor trying not to pee her pants) with laughter. "Sure you believe in equal opportunity – if his bank balance, resume, height and personality equal what you're used to." Le Boo to them. Just Le Freakin' Boo. For those of you who have hung out in BougieLand, I have chronicled (sometimes in painful detail) my attempts at dating "outside the box."

By outside the box, I refer to that which is not my norm or my comfort level. Some folks call it a "wheelhouse". Anyway, I tweeted a few weeks back about the Terminix man giving me his phone number. Yes, literally the dude who came to the door to spray for spiders. As he was leaving he handed me the invoice and then handed me a business card and let me know he'd be interested in seeing me on a personal level. He caught me completely off-guard but he was well-spoken and gorgeous (I'm talking fyyine) so I said why not. I received 19 tweets back telling me to give the Terminix man a shot. One from none other than Mr. Harper himself asking if dude seemed ambitious. I agreed to at least call and find out the basics. I called him the next day, it was a nice conversation. Lots of light-hearted back and forth. I did some minor interrogatory work and agreed to meet him for coffee that weekend.

We met for coffee and I'm not sure what happened to the guy I chatted with on the phone. The guy seated across from me talked about the principles of extermination for 40 minutes straight. Granted he looked real purdy while he talked but he was still going in on the intricacies of depopulating a termite colony. Believe me, I tried to steer the conversation in other directions but what even my best segue from wasps' nests to "What do you watch on TV?" started this dude on a tangent about "Billy the Exterminator" on A&E. I have no snappy, witty repartee after you tell a story about Billy chasing rats. I got nothing.

YET AND STILL! I knew that he was better than that. He had been better than that on the phone. I assumed he got nervous, wasn't a good first date guy and so when he asked me to the movies a few days later, I said "Sure." This guy had to be more than beautiful smiles, bulging biceps and bugs. He just had to be…

Long story short – he's great on the phone. On the phone he was expressive and funny, able to articulate plans and dreams, tell jokes, swap anecdotes. In person – nothing. I've never seen anything like it. Made me wonder if there was a twin answering the calls and a different twin coming out on dates. When I asked him about it he said he sometimes had a problem being himself. I think this guy could be great for someone. I don't know if it's me. I need the face-to-face sizzle/sparkle/zing. I don't know if he'll get that way with time and ease or what. Truthfully, I don't know what to do with that. And until I do, he's a phone pal.

I tell this BougieTale to say… potential is just that. It'll only get you so far and then you need to deliver. You may be a "good man" that doesn't necessary make you good for me. So all the semi-bitter "why don't you women recognize" rants I received?? To this I say, you haven't found the right woman yet. There is a woman who will think you are the hottest thing smoking and she won't know how she ever lived without you? You only need one… right?

I don't know, maybe some women don't know a "good man" when they see one… but they can surely spot a really bad one a mile away. Let me also send a stern side-eye to the ladies talking about "I just want a good man" – no, you don't. Quit saying that. If that's "all" you wanted, you'd be 10 years into marriage to whatshisname down the block who smiled at you in high school. Let's just put the notion that a "good man" is all we want.

And on that note, BougieLand:

Fellas, are women not seeing your potential? If not, why not? Do you consider yourself to be a "good man"? What is the best quality about you that screams "I'm good"?

Ladies, how much patience do you have for potential? Ambition in progress? Hustle on the come up? Name a few characteristics you would hope to find in a "good man".

We're going in! The floor is yours…

Question for the Ladies: Can we talk about infidelity?

Continuing Question for the Ladies Week, I received a whole host of questions on various forms of infidelity/cheating/stepping out. I broke those down into three main categories:

  1. How do you define cheating? Physical act? Emotional? Online chatting? Which is worse?
  2. If we cheat, will you ever forgive us?
  3. Why does it seem like a woman cheating on a man is so much worse than a man cheating on a woman?

First let me say… wow. I've been cheated on. I didn't like it. I cheated once. Didn't like that either. Cheating sucks. Everybody loses, 90% of the time people get caught and there's always some drama. But option is simply not to cheat at all. Ever. For any reason. Just walk away. Cannot be any clearer: Cheating bad. Repercussions bad. Staying out of situations like these I just described = good.

Now that that's settled - let me try and address the questions with my best answers. Ladies, I'll expect you to help me out with these.

Answer 1: My definition of cheating isn't everybody's. I'm a bit strict with mine. In my world, cheating is any action (yes any) that threatens the monogamous union predefined by a couple. The physical act is bad, the emotional act is worse. You can almost get your mind around a "heat of moment" one time fling, maybe even an ongoing purely sexual liaison. (I couldn't but maybe someone else could?) But once that person is emotionally attached to someone else… that seems a deeper betrayal to me. That means you took time, effort and emotions promised to me and gave them to someone else. No bueno. Online chatting is not a problem. Online flirting in putting you on shaky ground and online sex talk is cheating. Sorry. No shades of grey.

Answer 2: Will I forgive you if you cheat? Will I forgive you? Yes, my religion says I must. The real question is do I forget and stay with you without punishing you forever? Now THAT really depends on all the circumstances around it. I'm inclined to lean towards hell-to-the-naw. Again, are we together or just kicking it? Are we married or engaged? Do we have kids? A mortgage? How long have we been together? Have we had the "I don't share and I'll kill you if you do" discussion? Are we getting along? Are we in the same city? Was it a one-time thing or were you Tiger Woods-ing it? Did you tell me about it or did I have to hear about it da streetz or catch you in the act? Are you genuinely remorseful about the act or that you got caught? These are the sort of factors that weigh in to my decision to stay in the relationship. Again, one woman's opinion – I'll let the other ladies voice their ideas.

Answer 3: Le Sigh… it seems like a woman cheating on a man is worse because those old traditional gender roles are stuck in our heads. Women are kinder, gentler, nurturing creatures… are we not? Also, according to the mainstream media we can get a man anyhow so the few of us that snagged one shouldn't be messing it up by cheating… yes, that's very tongue-in-cheek. I don't why it's worse. Cheating is cheating… bad is bad.

Ladies, I'm going to ask that you offer up your opinions on these questions so that the gents can get a multi-flavored sampling of our thoughts. Fellas, do share. The floor is yours…

Question for the Ladies: Why are you so mean?

Okay, at first I laughed out loud when I first received this question. And then six more men sent in similar questions. That wiped the smile off my face. The myth of the Angry Black Woman strikes again. Well, let me rephrase that – I think it's a myth but if the fellas think we are stomping around mean-muggin' and back-slappin' anyone who gets in our way, let me dig deeper to find the answer.

So I'll admit to a period of time in my late 20s when I was bitter, caustic, with zero tolerance for the brothers. Something to do with the guy I planned on marrying deciding to marry someone else out of the blue. All my plans (I was one of those chicks with a life plan and a timeline) went up in smoke. It took a minute for me to bounce back to my normally pleasingly pleasant personality. So apologies to any fella who tried to roll up to me at that time. I wasn't having it. I assumed one heart-breaking dude equaled all dudes were out to break my heart and I was ill-prepared to deal with it.

Thankfully, a different guy came around and basically said, "What's that got to do with me?" Oh… um – nothing actually. My bad. I began to realize that my happiness is my own responsibility. Like BougieMom says, "No one can steal your joy, you have to give it them." True. Since then I do not let a man (or woman for that matter) mess with my mood for long. 24 - 48 hours and then I gotta be me. And me isn't mean and surly.

Alright, let's answer the question. Why are ladies so mean?

  1. Easiest answer: You made us that way. Yes you fellas. You know who you are. We were happy, you came along and did us wrong and now we mad. I'm not saying this is right, I'm just saying it happens.

  2. Saddest answer: We've been kicked in the ass by life too many times. No one starts out mean, angry, bitter. Someone who is layers deep unhappy got that way over time with a lot of really foul circumstances. The outward expression of all that unhappiness is a mean, spiteful bitter woman who just wants you to feel as bad as she does. Just stay out of her way and hope she finds Jesus.

  3. Situational answer: We tried nice and it didn't work out, now we're going with mean. This generally applies in work situations or when we have told a fella no (several times) and he's not hearing us. Then we have to get a little nasty.

  4. Possible answer: We're just not feeling it (or you) right now. We woke up on the wrong side (of the wrong) bed, it's that time of the month, our shoes are pinching, you are on our nerves, the job is trifling, we need a vacation – it's temporary. We'll be okay, just hang in.

  5. Unfortunate Answer: You're letting us be mean to you. Seriously. A woman will get away with as much as you let her. If you lay down and stamp doormat on your forehead, someone is going to wipe their feet and keep stepping. Some women will just take advantage of you if you let them. Don't let them.

  6. Generally Honest answer: We're not mean; we just look that way sometimes. Smile at us, tell us we look lovely that day and nine times out of ten, we'll smile back. Problem solved.

The follow-up question was "And what can we do about it?"… um, fellas if after a certain age you really don't know how to put a smile on a woman's face – this blog can't save you. No seriously… it's the little things. Start out by asking us what is wrong with the understanding that sometimes, we just want to vent – we don't need you to fix it. If you are the cause of our pissitivity, you might want to cease and desist the action that made us that way and apologize very sweetly. If you're not, hang in – we're really not as mean as you think.

Fellas - did I answer the question to your satisfaction? If not, fire away - some of the other ladies may have the exact answer you seek. Ladies, do you have something to add to the answers? Any other comments, questions, insights?

This week on BnB: Questions for the Ladies Week

Turnabout is fair play… the ladies had their chance to ask the fellas questions, now it's their turn. The fellas sent in 27 questions. Yes, 27. I'll try and boil them down into similar categories and get them addressed. Also, Wednesday night (5/12) we'll be doing a 90 minute radio show to talk it all out. Joining me will be are noted bloggers Ashley (@Asmith86) from Diamond Dust and Carolyn (@CarolynEdgar) from Carolyn Edgar and JD (@WhyMeLawd) from (not)Happy about this. We look forward to taking your questions. Ninety minute session - let's get it in!

This week promises to be good times. Tomorrow's question – Ladies, why are you so mean? <~~ Yes, I have the answer. Come by and check it out.