Hurricane Hustle Rules - What you Need to Know

President Obama hopped on a conference call this afternoon to let all you East Coast Ninjas know... It's not a game. Irene ain't playing with ya'll. Guard yo' grill, love the one you're with, and cover yo' azz... ya hear?! And in case you're still catatonic from the little Shake-n-Quake Mother Earth gifted you with earlier in the week, I'm here for you. Here's what you need to know...

Things to buy:

  1. Water - If you have a spare bathroom, fill the tub with water. Buy as much bottled water as you can. Ignore your bougie instinct to buy a bunch of Fiji water, get those huge gallons of no name spring water and stack them up.  
  2. Flashlights - Candles are pretty but when wind commences to whipping about, do you really want to worry about things catching flame? If you are near a Home Depot, get some of those tap lights that can velcro to any surface, they run on one of two batteries. And speaking of which...
  3. Batteries, Batteries, Batteries! Cell phone, laptop, double AA, C & D. Trust. 
  4. Battery-operated radio. Cable goes out, satellites die after 14 rain drops, radio lasts forever. Find the weather band and make it your best friend.
  5. Non-perishable food items - sushi is not your friend in a natural disaster. Trail mix, energy bars, you get the idea.
  6. First aid kit - for obvious reasons
  7. Blankets - for obvious reasons
  8. Condoms - I don't know how long you might be trapped in the dark with folks, safety first!

Have these things mapped out:

  1. Evacuation routes - get out of town! The sooner, the better.
  2. House Preparedness - cover windows, find an interior room and put all your supplies there, figure out all methods of exit from your home
  3. One packed bag of necessities for three days - if you have to get out in a hurry, do not worry about Grandma Jolene's antique pearls. Grab meds, clothes, cosmetics, ID, cell phone, laptop and go. 
  4. One packed igloo - Ice on the bottom, bottled water and energy sustaining snacks on top. Lunch meat, cheese, and fruit pack quick and easy and will last for a day or so in a closed igloo. Granola bars are your friend.
  5. Phone chain - Already know who calls who to check in and when you'll make the calls. 
  6. Closest shelter - Find out where it is and what the capacity is. 

And now what you really need to know:

  • Folk lose their mind in a natural disasters. Make sure you know who your neighbors are and what they are really about. Don't be in the backyard battling because your neighbor's cousin decided to jack your car round midnight (these things happen).
  • Don't try and ride out the storm alone. Get next to somebody, but wait...
  • If you don't have a cuddle boo, don't try and scare one up in the next 18 hours. Worst case scenario - you are stuck with random one-night boo for days on end. Hurricane heauxnanigans can have lasting repercussions. In case you all missed the Snowpocalype warning tale - read up!
  • Entertainment. Cuddle boo not withstanding, if power goes out - figure out what you are going to do with yourself. Might I suggest books, puzzles, board games, cards, coming up with a way to reduce the national debt?
  • Should the situation get dire, do not (I repeat, do NOT) start sending out your final FU thoughts to people. I know someone who fired off his "I'll be dead so I won't care" emails prior to Katrina and uh... he's still apologizing. Just save your thoughts in a journal and keep it moving.
  • Get yo' mind right, people. We know it's stressful, but don't be the person who has to be duct taped to the chair or muzzled with an undershirt to ride out the storm. Just because the situation is unpleasant, doesn't mean you have to be. 
  • Prayer helps. Even if you're not a particularly religious person, when 105 mph winds whip down your street, close your eyes and call out to whatever deity you believe might listen. Really, what can it hurt?
  • Stay safe. I'm not saying don't play the hero out there. I'm just saying... survive and thrive.

Some jokes in here but seriously.... Prayers up for all. Please, please, please have a good and safe weekend. Oh, and if you need "real" tips: here you go