ITOFTS - What kind of woman would I be? Plus, hell no.

*ITOFTS = I'm too old for this shiggity...
A good friend of mine from way, way back in the day got divorced this year. I can't say that I was surprised, more incredulous that it had taken her this long to pull the trigger. She was "ride or die" with dude through extremely thick and painfully thin. There were years when she carried the entire emotional, financial and parental weight of the marriage on her own. Years.  And while I understand the concept of staying together for the good of their child, I also know the the little one literally got up and performed a happy dance when she found out they were separating. "We'll be fine on our own. See you next weekend." The eight year old announced to a departing daddy. Welpity welp. She did all but chuck deuces.

I have heard the stories about how he tried to get out of paying child support, tried to get spousal support from my friend, tried to hide his income, tried to claim medical hardship. You name it, he tried it. And still lost in court. The ink is barely dry on those papers but she's free. Fast forward to last weekend...

I was posted up at an Uptown Dallas eatery when Dude (Departed Daddy) strolls in with his boys. Now he and I have never been close. I've been side-eyeing dude from jump but I'm so inherently Southern (that means friendly to a fault) that this dude actually thought I was cheering for him all these years. He thought my friendship with wife spilled over to him. Sir, meet reality check. Reality check, Departed Daddy. You two should sit and get acquainted.

He struts in and gives me a huge hug before starting in with his, "You look well. It's hard out here for the newly-single" rap segueing into "maybe you could give a brother some tips... or a soft landing.... ha, you know how I play... can I buy you another drink?"

NAWL. I told him I was good, wished him well and turned back around to chat with my companions. Departed Daddy did not take the hint AND decided he was being too subtle. He tapped my shoulder, "Hey, I'm trying to ask you out or is that too weird?"

"It's weird, wrong and unwelcome. So... have a great night." Done and done, right? No. Dude takes my stool, turns it towards him and leans in. "C'mon, babe. No one has to know, we can just kick it on the low." Babe? On the low? 1996 called, it wants its corny phrasing back. But anyway... no. And what kind of woman am I supposed to be? So I said. "I'm really not interested." To which he said, "Would you be interested if I wasn't XX's ex-husband?" Me: "Not at all. Plus you are so that's a double down on the Hell leaning heavily into the No." Then I grabbed purse and signaled to pals that we were rolling out.

This Negreaux texted me every hour on the hour ("just think about it" "I'll do right by you" "You're the kind of woman I need in my life") until I figured out how to block his texts and unfriend him on Da Facebook. He's assuming I don't know he's a borderline deadbeat with no bed game and a tendency to not only miss the toilet (with the seat down!!!) but also go MIA when it's time to clean up around the house? He's assuming that he was ever my type to begin with? He's assuming that because I remain unmarried and unattached that I'll jump at the chance for any old thing? I don't know but the whole thing pissed me off royally.

BnB, Where Dey Do Dat At? Where? What kind of man rolls up on one of his brand new ex-wife's oldest friends? And keeps hollering long after "oh-but-hell-no" has been delivered. I guess there are women that would take him up on it. Even if I was tempted (I'm so not), I would never because you know... friendz over menz. Yeah, I just made it up. What's the new saying divas over d!cks? I don't know. I'm not hip.

My question to you is... who does this? And what's the best, break-it-down-so-it-will-forever-be-broke way to make sure he gets that the no is a foreva-eva kind of no? I ask as I see this dude has just inMailed me on the LinkedIn. Jesus be a catchable clue.