Dr. Jayme, our resident relationship expert, counselor, life coach, counselor and all-around Wonder Woman sometimes allows counseling sessions via video conference. She prefers face-to-face so she can feel the tension level in the room but finds that in some situations (emergencies); Skype works just fine. Well, she had a special request from two of BougieLand's faithful. They have been together for close to a year and all of a sudden things that used to easy seem hard. They both feel like they have found what they are looking for in the other but want to talk through issues before it gets completely out of hand.
Summary of relationship: They met online in BougieLand. The gent approached the lady and they decided to meet. Six dates later they were a couple. A little after the six month time frame they considered moving in together. The lady asked in the comments section of BnB what we thought about the moving in. Apparently we were vehemently against it. Too much, too fast we said. Fast forward to the past month or so and they are hung up on the "what next" question.
I wasn't trying to be in it but they asked if I would blog about it. Curious to see what BougieLand had to say. I warned them that Bougienista/os shoot straight and will get all knee-deep up in their business once invited in. They said they were cool with it. Personally, I'm so glad not to be blogging about my own yada-blah that I decided, sure why not? So here's highlights of the session between Amy and Rob with Jayme.
Jayme started out by having them talk about what it was like when they met, what they like (or love) about each other. It's nice. It sets a warm happy tone for when she stops smiling and says, "So what's the problem?"
Amy wants a timeline, she believes Rob is "The One" and she wants assurance from Rob. Rob hears Amy say timeline and interprets that as "ring".
Jayme asked Amy, "Do you want a ring?" Amy said of course she wants a ring but she'll take the promise of a ring and a timeline in the meantime. Rob said that still makes him feel like he's on a countdown to a marriage and doesn't want that kind of pressure.
While they talked around the issue, I went out to Disqus and pulled up all of Rob's comments (yes, Disqus has ALL y'alls stuff). About 6 months ago, I wrote during Question for the Fellas Week: What are you waiting for? Rob had the following answer about relationship timelines: "Year One - Hot stuff, Year Two - Learning Stuff, Year Three- Real Stuff. If you can't pull the trigger after year three, you never will. IMHO"
When I read that back to him, he nodded saying that's what he believes. Amy asked if that meant he wasn't going to be ready until year three. He said he wasn't sure and why couldn't they just go on as is for now. He had "no plans to go anywhere."
She said they could for a while but she was hearing the tick-tock of her bio clock and didn't want to look back in three years when he still wasn't ready to find that the time was wasted. He was insulted by the term "wasted time." She was irritated that he was "being deliberately sensitive." And silence descended upon the room.
Jayme asked, "What do you think I'm going to tell you to do?" Rob answered, "Talk it out." Amy answered, "Make pros and cons about the relationship?" This irritated Rob again and there was slight swirl. For the record, Amy and Rob love the banter swirly vibe. It works for them. For all the sniping, they sat darn near on top each other, finished each other's sentences and stopped to apologize if one thought they had hurt the other one's feelings.
Jayme said no. "I'm going to ask you to stop blaming each other for wanting what they want." More silence and they exchanged a confused look. Jayme said, "Amy wants security and an idea that loving you is not going to come back in bite her in the ass. Rob wants to keep Amy without being tied to a specific timeline. Stop being mad at each other for that." Light bulb moment.
"Now spend one month apart. No contact. No phone calls. No texts. Get a glimpse of what life will be like if you just walk away now because your schedules aren't meshing. One rule - when you get back together, no questions about what either of you did while you were apart."
Not that I'm laughing at the two of them but their faces when she said no contact for a month were comical. They looked like kids who had their lollipops taken away. They were not feeling it and they definitely didn't want to agree to the non-disclosure clause. They started arguing vehemently with Jayme on why they hated the idea. She let them swirl for a while longer.
Finally Rob blurted out, "A month is a lifetime. I don't want other men thinking she's available. The whole point of dating one woman is that I don't want to date anyone else. It's not like I wasn't planning on marrying her anyway." Amy froze, I froze, Rob looked like he couldn't believe what just flew out of his mouth.
Jayme had a huge smile on her face. "You guys don't want to spend a month apart. Rob doesn't want anyone else getting Amy. I think Amy just got her answer."
Rob looked from Jayme to me to Amy... "What just happened?" Amy said, "I'll wait until you're ready." He started grinning, "It'll be sooner than later, I swear."
Jayme said, "I'm still billing you for the full hour."
Amy is moving in with Rob this weekend. I don't really believe in the shacking but if it works for them, I say go to it.
This had me thinking... what if I'd had a Jayme ten years and four relationships ago? How much of what makes relationships work is just a "leap of faith" that needs to be talked out? It made me go hmmm. She said so many times couples get caught up blaming each other for things that aren't really changeable (like feelings, insecurities and thoughts) that they never get around to a solution, they just call it quits. So what say you BougieLand? Do we give up too easily? Should we all have Jayme on standby? Do we play the blame game too often? Thoughts, comments, insights? Good luck shout outs to Amy and Rob? Advice? The floor is yours.