He said/She said but who's right?

Today's Ask a Bougie Chick comes from Donald and Cheri in Newark. Donald and his girlfriend of six months had a little contretemps and they want us to weigh in on who's right and who's wrong:

Hi Miss Michelle,

We've been dating long enough to call it exclusive but not long enough to have all the issues ironed out. Me (Donald) and my girl (Cheri) are single professionals in Newark. I work in Manhattan, she works in Jersey City. We kinda live together. Like she has her own spot but she's here all the time or most of it.

Not that it matters but I'm black and she's half-black and half Puerto Rican. Here's the deal, a few months ago my ex came by really late at night (after midnight). I was just going to ignore the door but she was texting and calling and could see a light on from outside. It was plain she wasn't going away. Cheri was like, just go open the door, tell her you are with somebody and shut it down. I went down and told her I had company. She went away.

A few nights ago, she came back. Again after midnight, same routine. This time Cheri is like, doesn't she know you have a girlfriend? Why is she here again? What is going on? Well I didn't tell her I had a girlfriend, I told her I had company last time so maybe she's just checking. Cheri goes to the door with a lot of attitude and long story short, they get into it screaming and shouting in the street and I have to step in between before things go from verbal to physical. After the ex leaves, Cheri wants to know why I didn't make it clear that I was in a relationship and she shouldn't come around and what was I going to do about it. I wanted to know why Cheri had to take it to a ghetto level.

I think she's wrong, she thinks I'm wrong. What do you think?

-d

*exhales* Well, wow. First off, this letter is wrong for putting two L's in my name. Moving on. Next, I think of the A, B and C of you? You're all three wrong. Your ex is wrong for rolling up. It's hella-rude to drift by somebody's spot without calling first, particularly after 10:00pm. That's kinda hoodie, sir. 

Your girl is wrong for getting all up in it. She took a bad situation and made it worse. She could've taken the high road, after all, she was nestled up next to you, she already won.(Assuming you're a prize?) Anyway...

You were wrong for not breaking it down to the ex so it would be forever broke. When the relationship ends, so do the late night drive-by booty calls. Unless there's something else you'd like to share with the class? Your role as the one chick's ex and Cheri's new boo is to draw the boundaries and set the rules and make sure everybody adheres to them.

Ya'll all acting a little special. Chill needs to be achieved across the board. Good luck.

BnB - what say you? Who's right, who's wrong? How to avoid this? And have you been in this situation? If so, how did you handle? Do share...

As the Bouge Turns...

I had great intentions to post this week. I really did. It still may happen. I came back from the inauguration with half a cold and caught the rest of it while Dallas was figuring out what to do weather wise (it's 20, now 40, now 80 degrees!) Fail.

Before I could really settle in, I had to hop a plane to Florida. BougieSis is having some female surgery today. (Fibroids, why hast thou cursed the Sisterhood?) So I'm here trying to work from the hospital waiting room, catch up on my emails and write the outline for my next book. Oh, I'm supposed to fly back South Saturday to go to the Super Bowl on Sunday.

One-A-Day Gummi-Vitamin, anyone?

All of that to say, sorry for lack of fresh bouge. However, my brilliant sister-at-heart, +Carolyn Edgar has blogged today. Check out her post: Standards, how many of us have them?

Be back soon.

Gisele, Roland and foot-in-mouth disease

I think stupid ratchet less-than-intelligent things all the time. I have the presence of mind not to say them publicly. Many a moment my hand has hovered over a tweet before slowly hitting the back button while I shake my head. "Naw, Chele - that is not for public consumption." I distinctly recall being interviewed on a Los Angeles radio station and having to bite my tongue for fear of letting my true thoughts fly free (only to have them bite me in the ass later). Apparently not everyone does this?

God bless Gisele Bunchen-Brady. Bless her. She's rich, attractive, married to a future Hall-of-Famer and has a lifetime supply of Vicki's Secrets to chose from. Good for her.

After watching her hubs lose a close game (to the same team he lost to a few years back) on Sunday, she loudly proclaimed that her man can't do every damn thing. He can't win by himself. In fact she stated:

"My husband can not f***ing throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."

Oh. Keeping it classy.

Now on the one hand, I get it. I do. Having dated a player (or two) in my time, losses hurt and you're always looking for someone (not your boo) to blame. Secondly, that's her man. She's going to defend him and I can't be mad at that. Thirdly, even Wes Welker admitted that it wasn't his best game.

All that aside - really, girlfriend? When you kinda have ev-ery-thang and your man already has 3 rings, finger pointing at his teammates after a loss makes you look a little, er - sour grape-ish. Plus, it may not be a great idea to vent out in public. Where reporters and cameras may roam. Just saying.

However, I do not think she should be told to "continue to be cute and shut up." [Harsh side-eye to Brandon Jacobs] That's taking it too far. A wife is allowed to back her man even if her timing and delivery were a bit off.

Po' po' #AscotStruggle (Yes, this is how I refer to Roland Martin). During the SuperBowl after the Beckham undies ad {which was ni-ice!} aired to much fanfare, he tweeted:

If a dude at your Super Bowl party is hyped about David Beckham’s H&M underwear ad, smack the ish out of him! #superbowl

Oh. Might one assume he wasn't wearing his ascot whilst tweeting this?

These words were taken as homophobic and all hell reigned down on him. GLAAD asked for him to be fired, people started taking sides. He defended his statement (poorly, very poorly) and now he has been suspended from CNN indefinitely. 

I didn't think his tweet was suspension worthy. In a perfect world, he would have been given an opportunity to apologize and then host a town hall airing before the next installment of Gay in America. That still could happen but for now he's not allowed in One CNN Center over a mindless tweet.

I didn't take his comments as homophobic or advocating the beatdown of homosexuals, I just thought he was trying to be funny and it didn't work out. Again... know your audience and understand how things will be perceived. #AscotStruggle should know that he's not going to get the Don Imus, Dr. Laura, Rush Limbaugh "sorry I was douchey" pass. Only white folks who generate millions are allowed to say whatever the heck they want and keep rolling. Black folks have to rain mea culpas down, go to rehab, tap dance, do the electric bugaloo and pretend to be off meds to get second chances. <~~ A teachable moment in Black History Month.  

Here's the thing. Both Gizzy & Rolo should have known better than to speak/tweet publicly thoughts that were ill-thought out and better kept private. But let's be clear - Gisele will be back in angel wings and stilettos by summer while Roland battles to stay relevant. This is the way of the world. Foot in mouth disease in these here 2010's can get you scorned and sent home in no time flat. Let this be a lesson to all who think Twitter is just a fun social media tool. When the world is watching, know what to say...

BougieLand, any thoughts on the Gisele/Roland of it all? Have you suffered from foot-in-mouth disease before? Is there a cure?! Do share your thoughts...

The Hardest Thing About Relationships...

The s/o called last Wednesday and said he and the fellas were heading to New Orleans. Awesome. I was in Florida soaking up sun. I was totally cool right up until the moment the phone rang Saturday and dude said they decided to stay one more night. But... wait. It was New Year's Eve. Our first New Year's Eve together. "Are you cool with that?"

"Um, not really." Why would I be okay to spend that night apart? Especially knowing he's heading to Spain in a week or so and will miss my birthday. I felt my temper going on simmer.

Who made this decision? Shawn. After I announced that I hoped Shawn would be cuddled up next to him at midnight, I hung up. I was tart. I mean, really? New Year's Eve? With the fellas? Nah son. So after fuming about it (tweeting about it), I called back. And made my displeasure known. Vehemently. I might have been on full boil.

Him: "So... it's not okay. Got it."

Me: CLICK.

None of these dudes thought this through. Bryan's wife had sent the kids to her mother's house and had "plans" for her husband, it was Joy's first NYE with Jay, Wes' wife don't play like that. 

Not only had these geniuses let Shawn talk them into pissing off s/o's, they'd changed their flights and couldn't get a flight out for Saturday. Next thing I knew, Dude David was in a rental car motoring north with the guys along for the ride. They made it into Dallas before midnight.

Oh, I don't blame Shawn. These are grown assed men who collectively lost their minds for a minute. As Jay shuffled out of the house with Joy's six inch pump somewhere near his hindparts, he muttered, "Relationships are hard." Yes they are. Especially if you make them so.

So today, something interactive. Fill in the Blank:

The hardest thing about relationships is _______________. Here's my list for now:

1. Making sure sure everyone's priorities are aligned.

2. Keeping well-meaning friends out of the middle.

3. Learning to shake off momentary stupidity when you really want to harp on it.

Now you... fill in the blank. What do you think is the hardest thing about relationships?