What's worse than #TapBack? Lazy-azzed TapBack

We are closing in fast on the Holiday Season (okay, it's here already - Turkey, Black Friday, Sleigh Bells, the whole nine) so you know what that means. 'Tis the season for Cuddle Cocoa and TapBack. Yes indeed, many will reach out and touch someone just because baby, it's cold outside. If that's your modus operandi - if that's how you make it through low temperatures and long nights - do you, boo. But kindly figure out if your advances are welcome prior to initiating them.

For those that have forgotten or never knew - Le TapBack is when an ex-siginifcant other reaches out after a period to time to "check-in" with the expectation of either rekindling the old flame or just stirring the cocoa for a moment or two. Hence, tapping back.

And while I'm not a big fan of tapping back (there are reasons most exes are exes after all) I'm even more virulently opposed to lazy-azzed tapback. Allow me to share...

Dude: Hey

Me: What's up?

Dude: We should get together and do stuff.

Me: Stuff?

Dude: You know... stuff.

Me: Why?

Dude:  Why not?

Me: Alirghty then. Good talking to you.

Dude: Wait, you wanna get dinner or something?

Okay now- that's just lazy. If you're going to take the time to reach out, at least have a game plan about yourself. We ain't all low-hanging fruit. At least buy a dinner, a drink, pretend like you are interested in spending some time clothed around me. If not, just say that. I'm of three schools - 1) Either get gone and stay gone 2) Wine me and dine me and take your chances or 3) Just state it plain. Seriously, if I accept the dinner invitation, you have a shot. If you call straight out with the "scratch my itch" plea and I don't start laughing, you have a (narrow) chance. But the half-azzed approach? C'mon now. 

BougieLand, have you been affected by When Keeping It TapBack Goes Wrong this season? Who amongst us are out there tapping back after one too many sips at happy hour? And is it me or is half-azzed lazy TapBack the worst? Do share...

From the Archives: When TapBack happens

It's that time again.. Truthfully, it's apparently always that time. But as we inch closer to Holiday Boos and Cuddle Cocoa, it behooves me to remind everyone: Beware the TapBack (from March 2011):

Ah yes, the TapBack... one of our BougieLand special words. Defined as the reaching out of a former S.O. usually in the form of a phone call to test the temperature in case they 1) want you back 2) just want to "tap" or 3) want to mess with your head. Le TapBack.

Ladies want to know... why do you do it, fellas? We've moved on, you've moved on and yet here you go. Generally late at night with a full moon high in the sky... yonder come the TapBack. I received forty-eight (48!!) questions about TapBack. Why does it happen? How to handle it? What if it's one tap only, no repeat performances? How to make the calls stop? And so on, and so on, and so on...

I have multiple opinions on this topic. But it's not about me. Here to share their opinions are BnB regulars Mr. Skyywalker and JasonP. I setup a quick call with the fellas and posed the question... what's up with the TapBack?

Jason: First and foremost, this is not a male phenomenon. We can't even blame the testosterone on this one.

Skyy: Matter of fact, if you really want - we can blame 80% of TapBack on the alcohol.

Me: Your answer is really blame it on the alcohol?

Skyy: If it fits...

Jason: I think I've been hit by more late night/holiday/club parking lot TapBack than I've ever dispensed.

Me: You've never made a TapBack phone call?

Jason: Didn't say that. Just said TapBack is equal opportunity.

Me: Duly noted.

Skyy: Lookie here, you're sitting there, right? A song comes on, a movie comes on, a certain scent hits your nose and you think... oh yeah, her. You dig out the cell phone scroll through to see if the number is still there and next thing you know...

Me: TapBack.

Jason: There it is. Unless it's the wonder what game.

Me: Wonder what?

Skyy: Quit actin' brand new, everybody has looked through their contacts and said, "Wonder what happened to So-and-so?"

Me: I wasn't being brand new, just getting clarification.

Jason: Uh-huh and so anyway, it's not like some sort of malicious intent. Not like we wait until we see you on the street with some other dude and say, "Oh let me call and see what's up with that?"

Skyy: Unless it is.

Jason: Okay. True. Maybe we're jealous, maybe we're lonely, maybe we need cocoa and you always poured it correctly. All the lady has to do... is not answer the phone. 

Skyy: Boom. 

Me: Simple as all that?

Jason: Men are simple creatures. Unless it gets complicated.

Skyy: See now. That right there. My last TapBack phone call was fairly innocent.

Me: Didn't you get married a few weeks back?

Skyy: Exactly. So several months back when I got engaged, I made the closure "this shop is closed for further TapBack" call. 

Jason: Why even do that?

Skyy: Preventative strike. I try to meet drama before it pulls in the driveway.

Me: How'd it go?

Skyy: Not great. I called to say I was onto the next and she was like how about one for the road?

Me: Have a nice life Tapback?

Skyy: See? Messy. 

Me: So isn't it better just not to make the call at all?

Jason: In a perfect world sure. You could walk away from people without a what if or a look back. Sometimes you look back and TapBack happens.

Me: Thank you Gentlemen. I appreciate your time.

These were the questions posed last time, for those that answered - would you answer the same today? For those that didn't, feel free:

BougieLand, what say you? Jason and Mr. Skyy making sense? Does TapBack just happen? Are you guilty of making the call (sending the text)? Is there anyway for "sex with the ex" not to be messy? Wouldn't a clean break just be better? Do you avoid these calls or answer the phone to see what's what? Inquiring minds want to know. The floor is yours...

Let me change your mind

Bougie dwellers, beware. Tis the season for TapBack. For the BnB newbies - TapBack is the unfortunate occurance when someone you used to live with/date/smash/love reaches out to you, generally in hopes of well- tapping back. Summer is wrapping up. Those that did not net a summer boo are thinking ahead to lining up cuddle cocoa for the holidays. Watch your texts, emails, phones, tweets... or have someone do it for you.

Chilling with 3N, his Facebook email starts gong crazy. It's one of his exes. He waves me over to read the stream-

Her: Hey you! I was just thinking about you. Heard you left Denver, what else is new?
Him: If you found me on Facebook, you're pretty up to date.
Her: You ignored my friendship request
Him: We're not friends
Her: We used to be
Him: Really?
Her: Looks like you're in a relationship and you live in Texas. How did all that happen?
Him: The usual way. I moved, I met someone, it's working out. Great catching up, take care.
Her: What - are you scared to talk to me? I just want to say hi
Him: Hi
Her: I'm coming through Dallas in September, we should get a drink
Him: No thanks, listen I gotta go.
Her: You don't even want to see me?
Him: I'm straight
Her: Let me change your mind
Him: Let me be more clear - no interest.
Her: I don't even have your new number

He turns to me, "How do we block random people from emailing?" We worked that on out. The not so funny thing is, we had just finishing having the "exes who TapBack" discussion, her name was at the top of his list.

BougieLand, fess up - who's been hit with the TapBack call already? Who is contemplating making one of their own? Is it better or worse to launch a TapBack text? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Learning not to take the bait

There must be a sensor. Some sort of tingly spidey sense that men possess that tells them that their ex is in a happy place with someone else and have moved on. Fellas, am I right? Do you have a commission that keeps an eye on these things and sends out coded signals to let you know? Inquiring minds want to know because I swear it's uncanny. 

The very minute I relax and say, "You know what? This could be good. This could be what happy feels like," something wicked this way comes. In the form of a text or missed phone call indicator or the like.

But guess what? I finally learned. No one says you have to return a call or answer a ringing phone. That is why the tech gods created the IGNORE button. That's right. Just don't take the bait. If someone's dead, they can send an email about the funeral. If someone's sick, they can text the hospital address. If they just want to say they're sorry? We already know. Got news? Tell it to someone who is still required to give two shakes of a damn. Otherwise, I have nothing left to say except...

No. Thank. You. As a matter of fact, how cool would that be? If you had a "no thank you" setting for contacts so that if they called, emailed or texted they would get a pleasant voice and icon saying, "No thank you." That would rock.

Yes, good citizens of BnB. For the first time in I don't know how long. I ignored the missed calls from Certain Someone Upon Whom Many Years and Tears Were Wasted. The freedom of confirming that BlackBerry question, "Are you sure you want to delete?" - YES! Epic moment. Like booty dancing in the middle of the afternoon goodness. 

Just had to share. I know it's not a revelation. I know you are supposed to surgically excise human cancers from your life. But I finally learned to take my own advice. That's celebration-worthy.

Oh, I just got schooled. Apparently women do the ill-fated, unwarranted, malicious and untimely tapback too. My bad. Everybody should stop that. Seriously. Eyes forward. Nothing to see here.  Thoughts?

Question for the fellas: What’s up with the TapBack?

Ah yes, the TapBack... one of our BougieLand special words. Defined as the reaching out of a former S.O. usually in the form of a phone call to test the temperature in case they 1) want you back 2) just want to "tap" or 3) want to mess with your head. Le TapBack.

Ladies want to know... why do you do it, fellas? We've moved on, you've moved on and yet here you go. Generally late at night with a full moon high in the sky... yonder come the TapBack. I received forty-eight (48!!) questions about TapBack. Why does it happen? How to handle it? What if it's one tap only, no repeat performances? How to make the calls stop? And so on, and so on, and so on...

I have multiple opinions on this topic. But it's not about me. Here to share their opinions are BnB regulars Mr. Skyywalker and JasonP. I setup a quick call with the fellas and posed the question... what's up with the TapBack?

Jason: First and foremost, this is not a male phenomenon. We can't even blame the testosterone on this one.

Skyy: Matter of fact, if you really want - we can blame 80% of TapBack on the alcohol.

Me: Your answer is really blame it on the alcohol?

Skyy: If it fits...

Jason: I think I've been hit by more late night/holiday/club parking lot TapBack than I've ever dispensed.

Me: You've never made a TapBack phone call?

Jason: Didn't say that. Just said TapBack is equal opportunity.

Me: Duly noted.

Skyy: Lookie here, you're sitting there, right? A song comes on, a movie comes on, a certain scent hits your nose and you think... oh yeah, her. You dig out the cell phone scroll through to see if the number is still there and next thing you know...

Me: TapBack.

Jason: There it is. Unless it's the wonder what game.

Me: Wonder what?

Skyy: Quit actin' brand new, everybody has looked through their contacts and said, "Wonder what happened to So-and-so?"

Me: I wasn't being brand new, just getting clarification.

Jason: Uh-huh and so anyway, it's not like some sort of malicious intent. Not like we wait until we see you on the street with some other dude and say, "Oh let me call and see what's up with that?"

Skyy: Unless it is.

Jason: Okay. True. Maybe we're jealous, maybe we're lonely, maybe we need cocoa and you always poured it correctly. All the lady has to do... is not answer the phone. 

Skyy: Boom. 

Me: Simple as all that?

Jason: Men are simple creatures. Unless it gets complicated.

Skyy: See now. That right there. My last TapBack phone call was fairly innocent.

Me: Didn't you get married a few weeks back?

Skyy: Exactly. So several months back when I got engaged, I made the closure "this shop is closed for further TapBack" call. 

Jason: Why even do that?

Skyy: Preventative strike. I try to meet drama before it pulls in the driveway.

Me: How'd it go?

Skyy: Not great. I called to say I was onto the next and she was like how about one for the road?

Me: Have a nice life Tapback?

Skyy: See? Messy. 

Me: So isn't it better just not to make the call at all?

Jason: In a perfect world sure. You could walk away from people without a what if or a look back. Sometimes you look back and TapBack happens.

Me: Thank you Gentlemen. I appreciate your time.

BougieLand, what say you? Jason and Mr. Skyy making sense? Does TapBack just happen? Are you guilty of making the call (sending the text)? Is there anyway for "sex with the ex" not to be messy? Wouldn't a clean break just be better? Do you avoid these calls or answer the phone to see what's what? Inquiring minds want to know. The floor is yours...