Somewhere between young and old

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?


I'm a year further away from 30 40 today. On the one hand, glad I made it. On the other hand, since when am I not 32 anymore? Le Sigh.

Moving on. There's an old cliche about not teaching old dogs new tricks. And I'm pleased to say (if I would call myself an old dog) that's absolutely untrue. More accurate would be to say you can't teach a young dog new tricks because they think they know them already. Twenties are for trying everything and messing things up. Thirties are for fixing what you messed up in your twenties. Forties are about figuring it all out so you can make it to your fifties. 

At this point, if you're not where you're supposed to be yet, you really should have an idea of how it's going to happen or get on a new path. Forties are where you also accept that some things aren't going to happen. There will not be babies coming up outta here. Doesn't hurt to admit though I'd've been a damn good mom. I'll settle for being the best aunt on the planet. Chances are I'm not going to be a rock star, a space shuttle pilot, or a world reknown surfer either. Some dreams you just have to let die a certain death.

But what I am still working on is having a Michele Grant book on every shelf (or tablet), I'll never get beyond the need to write interesting things and have people be entertained by them. Marriage - Lawd, I don't know. I'm in a happy place and if I could hold onto that, I'd be all good.

There's also a freedom of reaching a certain age and no longer giving ANY damns about what folks think about you, want you to do or expect you to be. We off that. When I reach BougieMom's age of 80 (God Willing), I'm going to get like Miss Nellie. She no longer bites her tongue for anybody. If she's thinking it, she says it. This makes for highly entertaining and high embarassing conversation.

But back to the old dogs and new tricks - In reconnecting with an ex over the past few months (not that ex, a different ex) I'm borderline shocked that at long last he appears to have matured into the individual I thought he was fifteen years ago. You know how you listen to someone and you keep waiting for them to say that one thing that makes you say "this man hasn't learned a damn thing" - haven't heard it yet. It could happen but so far, so good.

As for me, I'm don't mind learning new things and exploring different paths. I call myself a sensible adventurer. 

Let me pause - I watched Grey's Anatomy last night and learned about "vijazzling" women getting their vijayjays bedazzled for special occassions. No. I'm not ready. That's one trick I'll leave to other puppies. Fancy undies from Vicki's is as far as I can go.

And we're back... There's definitely something to be said for being comfortable in your own skin. Knowing that sometimes you don't have to be at the hottest party wearing the cutest dress in the highest heels. Sometimes you want to curl up in front your TV and watch a marathon of The Wire in your ratty sweats. And that's okay.

That being said, I'm off to DC for the Inauguration because you know... even though I'm older, I still gets my party on. Me and BougieFam will be at the Ritz Carlton for about four days filled with balls, brunches  lunches, dinners, drinks and whatever else we can squeeze in the celebration. if you're in the DMV, hit me up - we'll see if we can raise a toast.

What about you? Are you settled in your ways? More or less resistant to change as you get older? Do you know someone who is determined to do things the same way, no matter what? Do share...

Now vs. Later


We recently went through a merger at the day job. As with most integrations, a lot (read way too much) time was spent nurturing cultural meshing and harmony. There have been a series of mandatory and voluntary conference calls and trainings with all hands on deck. A generous heapful of "we're all in this together and aren't we happy" has been served up time and again. Granted, this ain't my first rodeo and I've seen these pony rides before but I'm always amazed at what passes for motivational team-building.

I vividly recall my time at Kodak where they shipped twenty of us off to the wilderness to a "bonding camp" and expected us to climb trees, walk ten foot high tightropes and sing along to "Broken Wings" which was our "mediation song" for the weekend. Booo. After the unfortunate incident where one person didn't get caught in the backwards trust fall - that wrapped up the formal bonding. They handed out free booze and let us chill by the fireplace - that was a true bonding experience. 

Last week we had the last two "togetherness talks" which struck me in their complete divergence from each other. The first was calling "Learning to Live in the Now" which as you may imagine delved into Oprahesque ways to be the best you that you can be right now IN THE MOMENT. (Yes, all caps on the presentation) Two days later, they gave a presentation on "Life in the Long Term" which focused on what you can do today so your tomorrows are all pretty.

Besides irritating me with the overly simplistic advice, the two topics got me to thinking. Am I more of a "live for today" or a "plan for tomorrow" person? I think the answer is that I've evolved into both. Someone who wants to enjoy the here and now while laying out the stepping stones for tomorrow and the time after that. I think as you get older, you get a little more aware that your tomorrows aren't promised and are shrinking even as I type but you want to hedge your bets and make plans just in case you're blessed enough to still be around.

With my career it's different. The HR is a means to an end. That end being the day when I can write full-time again. And writing is something I plan to do until my fingers can no longer reach the keyboard and that speech-to-text app quits working. It's easy to stay focused on the next book, next deadline, next publicity tour while planning two or three books ahead.

In my personal life, well that's more complicated. Long term seems so... long term. Trying to guess what will happen on down the road, particularly with my relationship history is either foolhardy or brave. So I tend to be a bit more in the here and now. 

Quite the balancing act - staying in the moment with one eye on the future. Hopefully I do a better job with this than I did on that tightrope. I think I've mentioned before that I don't defy gravity well? Yeah um... picture me in bright yellow workout gear (I don't know what I was thinking) shrieking at the top of my lungs as I fell off the rope and the support harness swung me around to drop in the net. Never. Again.

BougieLand - are you more or a "live for the moment" or a "my day will come" person? And how's that working for you? Can you live life to the fullest if you're always plotting the next step? Can you get to the next step if you are completely immersed in the moment? (Has anyone else been on one these work wildnerness things - why do they do this?) Please share...

Me or the Me You think I am?


Bougie Confession Time - having worked in HR for so long, I have a tendency to make snap judgments about people. I label them and put them in whatever category I see fit. Many, many times I've had to pull them off shelf A and moved them to shelf J with an asterisk and a post-it note. One person I thought was funny, engaging and a friend turned out to be sneaky, wily and a foe. One person I thought was shallow and bland turned out to be shy and funny as hell once you got to know them. So I never 100% let on what I think about someone until I've known them for a while. And even then... I tend to keep my thoughts to myself.

Sometimes it takes a little time to see the real person rather than the person they are trying so hard to show you. That's why shows on @DiscoveryID like "Who the Bleep Did I Marry?" and "The Nightmare Next Door" are so frightening - you think you know somebody...

So imagine my surprise when I caught up with a friend of mine from our college days. If asked, I would have said that I thought she knew me fairly well. Catching up with her on the phone this week, I realize she did not know me at all. Granted, I've changed a bit since college but I think at my core, fundamentally - I'm still me.

She mentioned something about me being more studious than fun-loving and a stickler for the rules. She thought of me as old-fashioned and not the most spontaneous person in the world. Hmm. Like most people, I'm old-fashioned in some aspects and forward-thinking in others. I can only assume that by old-fashioned she was referring to the fact that I didn't have a 'Now Serving' sign by the bed?

I like to laugh, I'll make situations that are uncomfortable easier by infusing humor. I spent a good bit of my college years tee-heeing when I should have been doing other things. I had no idea what kind of rules she was positive I stuck to... unless by rules she meant city, state and federal laws? I thought about asking her where those perceptions came from. I thought about telling her things about me to change her mind. And then I decided it just wasn't that important in the overall scheme of things.

Anyway, the whole conversation sent me to a reflective place. And I wondered how many people know the "Real Me" as opposed to the me that they think I am. If I had to make up a survey about myself, what would  I even ask? How hard is it to deduce that I love all things purple, I have affection for chocolate, shoes, fruity wine and tropical beaches? But what about a few layers deeper? Who could answer questions about that Michele?

And then I wondered if this is something I really need to know. Suppose people that I think know me don't and people that I'm sure don't know me at all hit it right on the head? Therein lies drama. Anyone who has ever taken a "How well do we know each other?" Cosmo quiz with their s/o knows that path is fraught with danger. 

I think I'll just assume that the people that I want to know me... know me well enough and if not they will surely figure it out in due time. The rest I'll leave alone.

BougieLand, how well do you think your friends and loved ones really know you? How important is it to you? And what , if anything, would you do to change their perception? How well do you think you know those closest to you? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Thanks for the Soundtrack, Whitney


When a celebrity passes away, you hate to make it about you. It's their family, their legacy, their life. But then again, all you really have left is their work and how it affected you. So I found myself both reflective and saddened at the sudden passing of Whitney Houston Saturday.

Because along with the sorrow for a life lost too young, a light extinguished too soon, I also felt inconsolably nostalgic. Major artists from the soundtrack of my "younger years" are gone. But instead of waxing poetic and morbid about the loss, I thought I'd share some of my life moments that were literally soundtracked by a few artists no longer with us.

1980something - On the highway between Dallas and Atlanta. Heading to my older brother's graduation from Emory. BougieDad insisted on heading out on road trips at the crack of dawn so we'd been in the car since two freakin' a.m. It was midday and we were over the wonder of the car trip. If we could have whined "Are we there yet?" without punishment, we would have. We were pretty much on punishment for everything having worked our parents' nerves to the nub. We had long since given up on finding music we could all agree on until the last bathroom stop before Atlanta. As the first one back to the car, I dug into my bag and pulled out the "Off The Wall" cassette (yes, cassette) and popped it in. When we got back on the road, "Rock with You" soared from the speakers. One by one, we each started singing along. Peace was restored. Thanks Michael!

1992 - Austin, Texas. It was $.25 drink night for the ladies at Club X. (I know, I know) For some diggity damn reason, your girl decided that tequila shots on nothing but a Jack in the Box taco and two tortilla chips was a good idea. I was rocking a forest green suede mini-skirt with a matching silk blouse and sky high pumps that were purple and green snakeskin. I was so fly. (Yes I said fly) Any damn way, "Now That We Found Love" by Heavy D came on and some dude that I only knew by the name of Mac asked me to dance. Keep in mind, I've always been a serial two-step shuffle-shuffle hip shake shimmy-shimmy snap it up with a head bop kind of dancer. But oh no, not this evening. This evening I decided to get my New Jack on. I was hopping and skipping and high kicking like I was auditioning to be a House Party extra. Boobs defying gravity, hair frizzing up a la Chaka and ruining my "no water needed" outfit. And of course I fell out. Le Splat in the middle of the dance floor. Combination of pumps too high, moves too complicated, and girl too drunk. Just so happened the guy I had just broken up with was there and he carted my brokedown behinds out of there. Every time I hear that song, I get tempted to try that routine again. Then I hold myself back and bop my head. Thanks Heavy.

2000 - Alameda, CA. Me and the on-again off-again beau were off. Bitterly off. He was coming by so I could speak my peace (again). Being a bit dramatical, I decide to set a mood. Lights were off, candles were lit and I was dressed in all black. I put Whitney's "I Learned From The Best" on repeat and moved one of the speakers upstairs so that no corner of the house would miss a single word of her message. By the time dude got there, I was in rare form. I went on a quite, well-worded rant that lasted ten straight minutes without a pause for breath.  Then he went in. We fell silent as the song played over and over. Finally, he shot me a look and said, "If you don't want me here, I'm gone." I slammed the door behind him and sang that song about five times in a row at the top of my lungs. When I was done, I was done. Thanks Whitney.

I keep imaging a jam session with Whitney, Michael, Marvin and Tupac. Donny and Ray on the piano and Sam Cooke doing the arrangement? Billie and Nat tapping a foot from a seat on the side? That's platinum.

Gotta favorite #WhitneySoundtrackMoment? Favorite Whitney song? Do share...

Think you're "grown"? 5 ways to prove it



Grown \ˈgrōn\- adj. Having achieved full growth. Possessing maturity. Produced or cultivated in a certain way.

We've talked a lot this week about being grown - as in putting away childish things and  being responsible for one's own actions and decisions. We've heard a lot of people claiming to be grown. And I think we can all agree it's not so much an age as a state of being. You don't get magically "grown" on your whateverth birthday. It's an evolution, a destination, a place to which (unfortunately) not everyone arrives. We all know one or two people "of a certain age" who act like they are one step out of kindergarten. That Peter Pan Syndrome is nothing to play with.

So you say you're grown... here are five ways to prove it:

1. Act like it - Children whine, point fingers, pout when they don't get their own way, find it hard to articulate their feelings, throw tantrums, cry with little provocation, require guidance, a steady stream of feedback, supervision and positive reinforcement. If more than two of these sound like your modus operandi - you needs to grow up.

2. Look like it - There comes an age whereupon  it's not cute to dress like an extra for a 90s New Jack video - male or female.  Sloppy, slouchy, slovenly - not three "S" words you want regularly attached to you. Sexy, suave/sophisticated or stylish sound a little closer to the mark. Certain occasions call for certain clothes. It's always better to be overdressed than underdressed. Proceed accordingly. Your hair is an outward reflection of you - is that really what you're trying to convey? Ladies - lipstick should match your skin tone first, your outfit second. Eye shadow should be a whisper, not a shout. Eyeliner should be more nuance and less Nefertiti. If you're unclear, hie thee to a professional and catch a clue.

3. Speak like it - Grown ups should know their audience during conversational forays. There's a time and a place to share "urban colloquialisms" - if you are in doubt, fall back on the Queen's English. If you don't know what that is, you probably stumbled onto the wrong blog. Google and come back. We'll wait. Nothing says "infantile" like a person who can not articulate two or three intelligent thoughts together in a sentence. I'm pleading, have something to say about yourself. One or two sentences for all occasions. Trust me on this.

4. Live like it - Hmm. How to put this? You can only get away with a 10-year old lumpy mattress on the floor and a TV on a three legged plant stand for so long. At some point, get next to a Walmart or an Ikea to get some "I'm tryna be grown" furniture until you afford some Thomasville or Ethan Allen. Fellas, I cannot impress upon you the importance of decent linens and bath towels. Nothing says "My right hand is my Valentine" like tore up faded superhero sheets and towels of indistinguishable color. Target is your friend. The end cap near aisle 21 is there for you. You don't have to ascend to 500-thread count (right away) but if you are past 23, you need to be at 250 thread count - bare minimum. I mean it. Everybody - your refrigerator needs to hold more than last week's takeout pizza and a pitcher of Kool-aid. There is a rotisserie chicken, a bag of salad and a 90-second microwaveable package of Uncle Ben's rice waiting for you at your closest grocers. Make that happen.

5. Think like it - Looking back is only good if you reflect, dissect and move forward with some lessons learned. Having no discernible plan for the future is careless. To think like an adult you must actually have some sense of direction and a plan to head there. You must embrace a value system and live by it. Principles become less waffly and ideals are turned into actions. In short, you have a brain... use it. That's what grown ups do.

As Clay said yesterday - here endeth the lesson. BougieLand - thoughts, insights, opinons? Anything to add?