Social Media

I don't seek validation in 140 characters or less... nor should you

Watching TV and following major events while tweeting is a favorite pastime of mine. It's both enjoyable and irksome at the same time. I don't have as much time to indulge as I used to so when I'm on, I tend to get dive in and (for the most part) enjoy. In the past ten days, a few things that I watched while tweeting were the Grammys, a CNBC documentary on online dating, a PBS documentary Slavery by Another Name, and Whitney Houston's memorial service.

It must be said - one of the most infuriating things about social media is that people feel the need to critique your thoughts and emotions. No it's more than critique, there are people who exist to either dissect and oppose the things you express or vehemently try to get you to agree with them.

First of all, far too many of you are far too invested in these celebrity's lives. Does someone think Nicki Minaj is personally offended that I felt generationally challenged and musically confused by her Grammy performance?  Was it necessary for people to insist that there was no difference between Rihanna's tousled blond look (which I wasn't feeling) and Tina Turner's back in the day (which I loved)? Am I wrong for saying I gave not two shakes of a damn what went down with Bobby Brown at Whitney's memorial? It was Whitney's day, I can worry and wonder (or not) about Bobby after the woman has been laid to rest. Out of respect for the solemnity of the moment, I did not shade Tyler Perry or R-uh Kelly for their appearances at Whitney's memorial. Doncha know folks took time to call me a hypocrite. "But you HATE Tyler Perry." No. I don't. But whatever I feel for him and his body of work had no place at a ceremony where he was honoring a friend of his and an icon of mine.

Second of all, way too many people speak authoritatively and completely incorrectly at the same damn time. If I'm watching a documentary that says over 36 million people are on online dating services, how are you going to come at me with - "there a lot of desperate people out there." Stop. Yes there is some thirst but are you really making the leap that 36 million single people are desperate? I mean, c'mon, really? Then (and you'll love this one) while I was watching with horror and heavy heart at the treatment of African Americans in the early 1900's, I commented that unfortunately many of these closed-minded and narrow assumptions about people of color are still alive and well today. To which I was told to "get over it, stop playing the race card." Oh.

Third of all, stop telling people how to grieve. Seriously. This must stop immediately. Whatever way people have of dealing with grief - as long as it's not turning your world inside out - leave them be. Did it matter that some people who hadn't listened to a Whitney song since '92 were in mourning? Was their grief lessened because they had not steadfastly supported her over the last two decades? GTFOH with that. Every time a tragedy takes place, people go on the attack. As if you have to justify what you feel and why.

Lastly, stop assuming you know everything there is to know about somebody from following them on twitter, reading their blogs, whatever. My favorite (<~~sarcasm) tweet from Saturday was the following, "Chele, I didn't realize you were this religious. You never tweet or post about Jesus." Should I emblazon a flaming cross into the header of BnB? Should I hashtag all my tweets with #inJesusName? Can't I be a person of faith without tattooing the commandments on one ass cheek and the beattitudes on the other? Okay, that was a little snarky but Jesus knows how I meant that... :-/ 

Since when are our opinions not our own? Since when do our emotions need the validation of a mob to be legitimate? You feel what you feel. Others can disagree, so be it. Repeat after me: It is what it is. And sometimes that has absolutely nothing to do with me. 

Let folks live, won't you? Our time here is short. How about people get in touch with and own up to their own emotions and behavior before calling out other folks? Hmm? What would that world look like? Le Sigh.

BougieLand... thoughts, comments, insights?

So much outrage, so little action

A minor rant. Short and sweet today:

The really wearying thing about 24/7 news cycles, social media and smartphones is that everybody has access to just about everything constantly. So no matter where you turn, there is someone on a soapbox lamenting (in FULL CAPS!!!) wrongdoing somewhere. I'm not saying these aren't real issues, I'm just saying that in a lot of cases, these continuous rants are full of sound and fury yet signifying nothing.

It exhausting and disheartening. Sometimes I have to unplug from all of it and rediscover some Zen. I get confused. It seems as though activism is fleeting and unsure of its purpose these days. I see a lot of outrage and irritation and not a lot being done to back it up. Twitter/Facebook activism is only effective is there is activity to prop up the rhetoric.

Case in point -  Did you see Susan G. Komen get their epic back pedal on? Classic campaign started in social media - spread the word, get a bunch of people riled up, exert some pressure, take it to mainstream media, threaten to withhold funds, organize ways to unleash unholy hell on the organization, repeat and escalate until someone makes a change. 

I signed about 6 petitions to get Jan Brewer's wig snatched when she tried to scold the President like he was a house boy beyond his station. I also sent the Obeezy campaign some dollars. Granted, they shan't be naming me contributor of the year but every time I get offended, ticked off, outraged and scared shitless of a Romney-led America, I drop a lil sumthin' sumthin' in the O-Please-Let-Barack-Get-Reelected Fund.

I'm not going to lie to you, I'm going to start calling people out the closer we get to this election. I want to see the same people who campaigned ferociously for 2+ years to bring friggity-frackin' The Game back to television working just as hard if not harder to keep America out of the clutches of crazy entitled folks who may or may not be in discussions to send all the poor and "unreal" Americans back from whence they came. (Okay that's extreme but I wouldn't put it past them. I'm just saying. If Obama loses and someone tells you that you won a free cruise, don't get on the boat.) 

It's one thing to talk smack, finger point and head wag. But in the words of Sean Connery's characters from The Untouchables: What are you prepared to do?

Gisele, Roland and foot-in-mouth disease

I think stupid ratchet less-than-intelligent things all the time. I have the presence of mind not to say them publicly. Many a moment my hand has hovered over a tweet before slowly hitting the back button while I shake my head. "Naw, Chele - that is not for public consumption." I distinctly recall being interviewed on a Los Angeles radio station and having to bite my tongue for fear of letting my true thoughts fly free (only to have them bite me in the ass later). Apparently not everyone does this?

God bless Gisele Bunchen-Brady. Bless her. She's rich, attractive, married to a future Hall-of-Famer and has a lifetime supply of Vicki's Secrets to chose from. Good for her.

After watching her hubs lose a close game (to the same team he lost to a few years back) on Sunday, she loudly proclaimed that her man can't do every damn thing. He can't win by himself. In fact she stated:
"My husband can not f***ing throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."
Oh. Keeping it classy.

Now on the one hand, I get it. I do. Having dated a player (or two) in my time, losses hurt and you're always looking for someone (not your boo) to blame. Secondly, that's her man. She's going to defend him and I can't be mad at that. Thirdly, even Wes Welker admitted that it wasn't his best game.

All that aside - really, girlfriend? When you kinda have ev-ery-thang and your man already has 3 rings, finger pointing at his teammates after a loss makes you look a little, er - sour grape-ish. Plus, it may not be a great idea to vent out in public. Where reporters and cameras may roam. Just saying.

However, I do not think she should be told to "continue to be cute and shut up." [Harsh side-eye to Brandon Jacobs] That's taking it too far. A wife is allowed to back her man even if her timing and delivery were a bit off.

Po' po' #AscotStruggle (Yes, this is how I refer to Roland Martin). During the SuperBowl after the Beckham undies ad {which was ni-ice!} aired to much fanfare, he tweeted:
If a dude at your Super Bowl party is hyped about David Beckham’s H&M underwear ad, smack the ish out of him! #superbowl
Oh. Might one assume he wasn't wearing his ascot whilst tweeting this?

These words were taken as homophobic and all hell reigned down on him. GLAAD asked for him to be fired, people started taking sides. He defended his statement (poorly, very poorly) and now he has been suspended from CNN indefinitely. 

I didn't think his tweet was suspension worthy. In a perfect world, he would have been given an opportunity to apologize and then host a town hall airing before the next installment of Gay in America. That still could happen but for now he's not allowed in One CNN Center over a mindless tweet.

I didn't take his comments as homophobic or advocating the beatdown of homosexuals, I just thought he was trying to be funny and it didn't work out. Again... know your audience and understand how things will be perceived. #AscotStruggle should know that he's not going to get the Don Imus, Dr. Laura, Rush Limbaugh "sorry I was douchey" pass. Only white folks who generate millions are allowed to say whatever the heck they want and keep rolling. Black folks have to rain mea culpas down, go to rehab, tap dance, do the electric bugaloo and pretend to be off meds to get second chances. <~~ A teachable moment in Black History Month.  

Here's the thing. Both Gizzy & Rolo should have known better than to speak/tweet publicly thoughts that were ill-thought out and better kept private. But let's be clear - Gisele will be back in angel wings and stilettos by summer while Roland battles to stay relevant. This is the way of the world. Foot in mouth disease in these here 2010's can get you scorned and sent home in no time flat. Let this be a lesson to all who think Twitter is just a fun social media tool. When the world is watching, know what to say...

BougieLand, any thoughts on the Gisele/Roland of it all? Have you suffered from foot-in-mouth disease before? Is there a cure?! Do share your thoughts...

Bougie Bachelor Chronicles - Twitter troubles

Le Dude has a crew of guys here in Dallas that he knows from his Georgia days. Some were his line brothers, others they adopted to the crew along the way. We've come to call the main group of six the Georgia Boys. David found BougieLand first and then joined Twitter. Trey followed and eventually Jay, Shawn, Wes and Bryan followed suit.

When all of the Georgia Boys joined Twitter, they thought it would be a fun way to keep up with each other and folks they'd met on the Innanets. There were some growing pains - they had to learn the difference between what you text and what you tweet. There was a learning curve about how to check and reply to DMs. (Some of them are still challenged.) There were rules of engagement about how much to share and what to keep to yo' damn self. Others realized that alcohol and Twitter are a dangerous combination. And some were slower to understand that what happens on Twitter is pretty much broadcast out into the world forever. Forever ever? Forever ever.

So right after the New Year's Eve debacle where we all very publicly tweeted our displeasure with each other, we had a CTJ (Come to Jesus) meeting about how Twitter will forevermore be used amongst us. (respectfully with discretion and humor) At some point during that discussion - it was discovered that three of the Georgia Boys were semi-sort of hollering at the same chick in DMs. Two of them were in trouble for tweeting foolishness that their wives read. Another realized that his boss was following him and reading every word. Another found out that a girl he had broken up with (and considered taking out a restraining order against) was following him under an alias. Whelp!

Now these are smart guys but somehow sitting behind a keyboard in an open forum things got complicated. It was decided that perhaps a period of reflection would be in order? A review of what works and what does not? They decided to self-suspend for 30 days. The suspension lifts tomorrow. Welcome the wiser Georgia Boys back to Twitlandia.

BougieLand - are folks less careful on forums like Twitter than they are in real life? Do you pay attention to the people that follow you? Have you ever been involved in some Twitter drama. And any words of advice for the fellas? Do share...

Sexting - It's not for everyone... please!

I know I said there were only three topics to kill and bury. But here's another: Sexting.

To me, subtle is sexy. I'm of an age where sensuality and attraction is so much of a mind game, I almost (notice I said almost) don't care what you look like. I'm into the context and the conversation and painting with all the colors of the rainbow (not just the cocoa).  I get that everybody's not there yet. With Skype, GTalk and YouTube and videophones and the like, the instant access to see and be seen has clearly gone straight to some folks' heads.

But now it seems, it's not enough to just send a few candid pictures. Now people are flashing the full monty to ev'body. Let the record reflect that if someone ever (ever, ever) says they have naked Michele Grant pictures... they are lying and/or skilled at Photoshop. I don't play with it. One of the ex-fi's had a picture of me completely covered in bath bubbles from the neck down with nothing showing but a foot and an arm and don't you know I zapped it off his hard drive last time I was there? Sure he might have a copy, but he'll have a hell of time identifying that ankle as mine. 

Early in my tweeting days, there was a guy who started chatting with me. The conversation moved to DM (direct message, supposedly private) and then to exchanged cell phone numbers and calls. Before I knew it, there at 9:00am one morning came the triple-chime announcing picture mail. I clicked to open and there was naked genitalia winking at me. In unsolicited and ungroomed high definition. Hold up, playa. I don't know your middle name, your street address or your city of birth yet but I now know more about you than some men I've dated! No. Sir. 

You can't just foist naked pics of your junk on unsuspecting folks. The sun hadn't even set yet. At least let me get an adult beverage and half an impure thought going. I was in business mode. It takes me a minute to switch gears like that. Where is the build up and segue? Where is the romance? Save some of the mystery, please!

In light of WeinerGate and FavreGate and every other gate involving some random dude deciding to overshare; I need to set a few BougeRules if you must indulge in sexting:
1. There's no such thing as internet security - know this before you click send. Once that picture leaves your phone and heads out in the ubersphere, you have no control over it. Sure, the person you sent it to swears they'll delete it but um... we've seen how that works out time and again. Send at your own risk, I'm just sayin'. 
2. By personal request only - I mean the person has literally said "I want to see naked parts of you now, please send candid photos." They didn't hint or giggle or suggest, they actually asked to see your naked body. Don't just spring that on folks. TMI. TMI! 
3. Mutually agreed upon disposal method - what happens to that picture after the other person receives it? Have you talked about a "NOT sharing is TRULY caring" policy? This bears discussion. I'd hate for you to be flipping though someone's blog and see a picture of yourself doing a nekkid spread eagle split, waving around a Grey Goose bottle, blowing kisses at the camera. Get the ground rules straight up front. 
4. Know what you look like - I'm sorry to say this but not everyone looks good naked. Think about it. Ladies, there's a reason some of us wear support garments. And fellas, don't ever hold a ruler there unless you have something to really be proud of. O__o
5. Tighten your game up - Even if you do look good naked, have you uh... groomed thangs? No one likes to see ashy, rusty, wild kingdom in 300 pixels or better. Nuff said. 
6. And last but not least - if you are a public figure (elected official, celebrity, member of the CLERGY!!!) or if you are in a committed relationship to someone other than whom you plan on sexting - Just. Don't. Do. It. I don't need another tear-stained "I know I've let you down" press conference in my world. 
On a serious note - I got an Ask A Bougie Chick letter the other day from a thirteen year old girl. First, I told her she really doesn't need to be reading BougieLand until she skates up past age sixteen but second, her letter frightened me to death. She said that the boys at her school told the girls that they will only go out with the girls that send naked pictures to them for "pre-evaluation." The hell you say?

I hipped her to some reality and told her to (first tell an adult about this nonsense) and then introduce the boys to terms like "child pornography" "underage sex offender" "unsealed youth record" "predatory sex acts" and things to that effect. And then I let her know that she had some prepubescent punks trying to run game. If she gathered the girls up and they united in a "heckie naw and I'm telling" campaign, the entire script would be flipped. What's wrong with these children?! 

That is all. That's the sum and total of what I have to share on sexting. Whatcha got, BougieLand? Do you sext? To whom and why? Got any "when good sexting goes wrong" stories? Thougts, opinions, commentary...

Five Topics Black Twitter need not debate anymore (please)

For those not dwelling in the Twittersphere, let me just share a few things. Twitter, Black Twitter in particular, is kind of like high school. You have the intellectuals, the militants, the hoodrats, the artists, the popular set, the invisibles and those that kind of fall somewhere in between. On a weekly basis, some of the exact same debates/beefs/comments sprout up and the various factions line up on one side or the other and fire at will. It's like Breakfast Club meets Groundhog Day

Sometimes I enter the fray and lob a grenade or two myself. Particularly when MSNBC aired the Black Agenda with no black host to be found. Don't get me started. Here are the list of topics that Black Twitter can retire or kill or bury alive - it's doesn't matter... just make them stop:

1. Obama's blackness - Far as I can tell, not a one of these people has been cuddled up next to Obeezy and therefore have not a clue what it's like to be the 44th President of the United States while being black. This does not stop numerous random pontifications about whether he's doing enough "for the people" or is just a big sell out. The debate over whether he'd be President if he were dark-skinned, had attended an HBCU or married a white woman? Beaten to death and useless.

Every speech, every plane ride, every congressional wiggle sets both liberals and conservatives alike into a frenzy. They have to let you know how much they love hate wish they were are just like mis/understand Obama with increasing volume and rhetoric. It's exhausting to watch. After a certain period of time, you start noticing people just tweeting "co-sign" or "fist bump" or my favorite "hmmm" - it's easier to just let it fade out... until the next time. Look, the man is black. He's the President. He's either doing what he can or he's not. It's as simple as that. 

2. Hair - Who cares if you rock a weave or sport a natural? Apparently, a good number of Black Twitteratti. Generally it will start with an incendiary comment from some man trying to instigate. Something like, "Black women who wear weaves are self-hating fakers!" Someone follows up with, "Natural hair people are nazis!" [These are actual tweets folks!] And we're off... You get the testimony of people who have gone natural and a sidebar conversation into hair care product starts. Then you get the weavologists jumping in with a sidebar into where the best virgin Indian hair is to be scored.

At some point a magazine or webzine focusing on "issues important to black women" enters the fray with a link to "weave horror stories" or "how perms are dangerous to your health" - I wish I was kidding. Before and after pictures spring up. Men align themselves: for, against, or we don't care as long as the cocoa gets stirred. This happens at least once a week. More often during award and reality show season. Nothing gets Black Twitter going like badweavitis (see The Braxtons for reference). Enough already. Please put India.Arie's I Am Not My Hair on repeat and exhale.

3. Tyler Perry - Let us pray... Father God, please let folks of African descent living on this side of the continent come together and recognize that Tyler Perry is neither the second coming of your son, King Jesus nor the earthbound incarnation of Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. In your name we pray, Amen. 

There are few shades of grey on the TP of it all. People either really, really love him or really, really hate him. And ne'er will the two sides agree. It is what it is - no more discussion needed. [We can also place Oprah, Beyonce, Diddy, Nicki Minaj, Steve Harvey and Tyrese in this same category]

4. BET - Pretty universally people agree that it sucks. And sucks a lot. But you have a group that rails over it's suckability and watch anyway, this infuriates the group that would refuse to turn to BET if they were the last station standing after Armageddon. It's just that serious. 
Tweegro A: "God! BET sucks"
Tweegro B: "And yet you still watch."
Tweegro A: "Don't judge me!"
Tweegro B: "Don't be a hypocrite."
And we're off.  [This is the same discussion for "Insert the name of any Reality Show with Wives in the Title here" as well. Yes, we know most of them are not actual wives, the title is for entertainment purposes only] Just once, I'd love to see some solution-based tweeting. If every time one of these arguments broke out, folks donated a dollar per tweet, we could buy BET from Viacom and use its power for good.

5. Dateability/Doability - The same unemployed troll who is living in his Grandma's basement with a blow up doll for a girlfriend starts these stupid trending topics at least once a week. Clever and classy topics like #Thisiswhyyouresingle #WifeyMaterial #OnlyCrunkwJunkintheTrunk #IwoulddoUif ... again - I wish I was joking. Then the women come back with #DudesNotDateableIf #Mymanbetta #DontDateHimGirl ... oh it goes on and on.

If not a trending topic, then someone writes an article about the best women to date, the men that women overlook, the best way for women to make themselves more doable/dateable and the battle begins. Women go in about scrubs trying to come across pimpalicious, men go in about single women who will never get a man. Is it impolite of me to say that in the time it took to sling those Twitter arrows forth and yon, folks could've been done and dated and moved on? 

Honorable Mention goes to the Black Representative Debate - (I'll admit a fondness for this one). This is the swirl around the Cornel Wests, Michael Eric Dysons, Reverend Als et al. The question is asked - are these the best "spokespeople" we've got? And then we discuss who should step up and replace the current talking heads. But since the mainstream media is more than happy to have Al spouting his rhetoric, we just wince our way through.

2nd Honorable Mention to the ever popular interactive game Where's Black Waldo. Yes, this is when Black Twitter convenes in front of our televisions for some sort of major event  (like for instance, the Oscars) and begins to search (usually fruitlessly) for Black People.
"Wait, there's one! Oh she looks good."
"Seriously, they couldn't find a single person of color for this?"
 "Spike Lee got robbed with Malcolm X" <~~~ comes up every year like clockwork
"2011 and this is the best we can do?"
There's my list. I know it's a fruitless wish that these topics go extinct. Some of these discussions are tales as old as time. But a girl can dream, can't she? Or is that up for debate too?

Wanna add to the list? Agree or disagree with mine? The floor is yours...

@DanielSunjata, @HollyRPeete & four other celebrathletalities you should follow on Twitter

Yes, celebrathletalities - celebrity/athlete/personalities, you knew what I meant. As you can tell, I'm not blogging the deep thoughtful topics this week. I'm in South Florida and so my posts are sunny and light. Today we're talking about celebs on Twitter.

Be warned that following your favorite actor, athlete, singer, writer, celebutante can be pure disillusionment. It becomes very clear, very quickly that some people are paid to be pretty and little else. Some folks are skilled in the field of play but no where else. Some are talentless egomaniacs who just want love and really should let their publicists tweet on their behalf. But I shan't name names. If you've run across of these, you know what I mean.

Thankfully, there are exceptions to the rule. I'm sure there are more but these are my faves:

Daniel Sunjata - @DanielSunjata - Mr. Sunjata plays Franco on Rescue Me one of my favorite shows. Okay so I started following him because he's hot, I admit it. But I quickly discovered that he's also intelligent, socially conscious and darn it, just an all-around nice guy. It's like he doesn't realize he's way too fine to be tweeting with the likes of us. If I looked like him, I'd ignore the hell out of all y'all. (Just kiddingish) He answers questions, sent me some eye-opening (if distressing) information on the privatization of the prison systems and always has a thought-provoking conspiracy theory to share. 

Donna Brazile - @DonnaBrazile - If you've watched her on CNN going toe to toe with Anderson Cooper and the gang, you already know... she's smart and she speaks her mind. She does the same on Twitter. Sometimes political insiders can be a little too "inside the Matrix" for me but she breaks it down to the least common denominator and dishes it straight.

Holly Peete - @HollyRPeete - She's a mom, a wife, an actress, an entrepreneur, an activist and a football enthusiast. She has the nerve to be cute and in incredible shape as well. If you can't follow her just for her impersonation of Wonder Woman, how about she's warm, humble and tweets back... without artifice. Check out her HollyRod Foundation for the great work they are doing particularly with autism.

Donte Stallworth - @D_Stallworth18 - Sure he's an athlete and y'all want to stereotype but check his timeline for a day or two - he's ridiculously well-read, humble and a little obsessive about his workouts. Trust me, he's one to know.

Cory Booker - @CoryBooker - I don't know when the mayor of Brick City sleeps because dedicated dude is answering citizen tweets at midnight and again at 4:00 in the morning. Literally, tweet him about a pothole in Newark, he gets it fixed. The mayor of Dallas? Don't get me started. Mayor Booker is a quadruple-degreed bona fide Bougie Hero. He's Dat Dude. Follow him and learn a little something about hustle that works.

Lalah Hathaway - @LalahHathaway - She's talented, she's gorgeous and she tweets back. What more do you want from one of the most slept on artists out there? So sure, follow her but more importantly - buy all her music, she's gifted and never disappoints. 

I do get it, celebrity ain't easy. Just because you're in the public eye doesn't necessarily mean you owe the public any thing but it's far more pleasant to come across a famous personality that has some brains and pleasantries to back the rest of it up. Okay, do you have anyone to add to the list? Let's be honest - is there a celeb you followed and then quickly unfollowed in sheer disappointment? For those that don't tweet, who has a "I met a celeb and it was awesome" story? Thoughts on my list? Do share...

Are you Social Media Sexy but Real Life Ratchet? 5 Ways to Tell

Do you know folks that are all Facebook fabulous and Twitter terrific, then you meet them in real-life and it's so very womp, womp, womp? I've had the misfortune to both meet and discover some Facebook frauds and Twitters twits. Here are five ways to tell if you're faux fab:

1. If you spend all day talking about your fab life (instead of living it) and the headquarters of Fab Inc are in Big Momma's basement. What is fab about living off of Big Momma's social security check? No, you don't have to be ballin' but quit acting like you're living the Champagne Life when it's all Red Koolaid round your way.

2. If your gorgeous online picture bears absolutely no resemblance to you. As you appear in real life... today... not five years ago. Here's a thought: Avatar. Get you one and hide behind it. But don't use Denzel's picture if you are Flava Flav's twin. That's false advertising.

3. Fellas, if you have 900 female "friends" you are trying to holla at online but no hope of a significant other in real life. Like none in sight. At all. Can't buy a coffee date. Twitter trollin' is no bueno, tricks are for kids. That goes for you pimpin' playas too: the truth will out. 

4. If your 140-character game is tight, all wit and whimsy but you cannot string two intelligent sentences together face to face. I admit my letter writing is tight but ask me a question and I'll bet I can come with a decent answer. How you tweetin' Ritz Carlton level and speakin' like Rodeway Inn?

5. If you are "keyboard brave". This means you talk a whole lotta self-righteous yada-yada about what's wrong with the world, women, men, music, movies but never affect a single drop  of change. Calling out other folks, talking all sorts of smickety-smack with no means or plans to back it up. Hope no one calls your bluff. Then again, they probably have and you de-friended/blocked them. Um-hmm.

Y'all know who you are. Cease and desist. Immediately.

Bougieland - thoughts? comments? insights? Know any folks like this? Have any to add to the list?

So… some folks aren’t feeling Father’s Day?

Let Daddy have a day!

Yesterday something happened that I did not think was possible… Twitter shocked me. I really thought I'd seen everything there was to see in Twitlandia. But nothing prepared me for the outpouring of bitter bile over Father's Day. People went on epic tragic 140-character rants about the men who donated sperm to give them life. (Yep, someone described their father that way – wince.) I was informed that folks were getting down the same way on Facebook but I had not the energy to look.

I mean wow. I'm not naïve; I fully understand that not everybody had WonderDad but oooh weee, some folks either had Lucifer come to earth as their father or no father at all. But I have to wonder, what does sharing your "my dad wasn't shiggity" story to the whole world on Father's Day do for you? It's a vent, okay and now what?

I actually had someone tell me I was "rubbing it in" that I was raised in a two parent household with a good father. Um, I still miss my dad. I was trying to get through the day without weeping buckets. I didn't realize that it was some sort of competition: My dad is better than your dad? Really, after all these years? We didn't leave that behind in pre-school?

There was also the crazy dynamic of people trying to out-do each other with the most tragic "My Dad used to" stories. Again, what does airing all that scandal net you at day's end?

Oh, and lest I forget… the women going IN on their baby-daddys. Sweetheart, you thought that man was good enough for something at least one time. During that bump 'n grind were you worried about his deadbeat tendencies, immaturity and inability to connect emotionally? I'm not judging, I'm just saying no matter how trifling yo BabyDaddy may be; he's still the father of your child. Bashing him on the Innanets does nothing good. Truthfully, any bashing in a public forum is a co-parenting fail but I'll leave that to relationship experts to discuss.

Speaking of experts, I've been told by psychologists that children of devastating upbringing should be given to age twenty-one to face it, to age twenty-five to start dealing with it and to age thirty to put it behind them. The thought process being that at some point you cannot keep trotting out your childhood as reasons not to move forward and be all you can be. I don't know if this true but based on what I saw yesterday, a lot of folks still have a lot to deal with.

No doubt there's a time and place to call out faulty fathers, I can't say I believe that Father's Day is it. Let the current and future fathers that are striving hard to do the right thing have their day. Monday is soon enough to go in on the trifling ones.

I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this one. Is Twitter Daddy-bashing justified? Is there ever a good time to air your dirty laundry? Do these stories help or hinder? Am I just clueless? Comments and insights welcome…

The Case of the Tweet-n-Run: An Open Letter

Pardon me while I handle some BnB internal business...

This open letter is on behalf of one of my Twitter friends. She was one of the first people to reach out to me on Twitlandia and is just flat out good people. I absolutely adore her. In my adoration, I semi-set her up with a dude from BougieLand. Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa and colossal fail on my part. What had happened was... This gentleman hunted me down and begged for an introduction and an endorsement. He was (in his words) dazzled by the intelligence and charm of my friend and wanted to holler. I directed him to her website and Facebook page; he was more charmed and enthusiastic than before.

So I spoke with him, background checked him (which he agreed to and paid for). According to his background, he is divorced with one child, degreed, professional, solvent and without criminal history. I spoke with him again – hey, I'm a Human Resources girl, I interview folks and I generally know what to look for. After a discussion with him and a follow-up with her, I green-lit the introduction.

In the beginning, he was fun, he was flirty and it was banter, wit, and a little bit of sizzle. He flirted hard, he flirted regularly. He made plans and promises. He shared life anecdotes. All of this over Twitter (which was the first issue). Why Twitter only? No gchat, no skype, no fifty-million other venues? Finally, he got her phone number, made arrangements to call, set up plans to meet face to face and then… nothing. He popped up on BougieLand here and there with a comment or two, sent her a couple of half-assed tweets about some drama in his life and then… nothing. Fade to black. But this morning, he sent me a note (why me and not her, I don't know) asking if I thought he should contact her this weekend. (After 2 ½ weeks of zero contact?)

So because she's too classy to do it… allow me to say how I feel about that…

Dear Dude (you know who you are),

I'm not fond of grown-assed men who don't know their own minds and waste people's time. I'm not fond of men who chase women, hide behind equivocal language and then throw down a smoke bomb and disappear into the mist. I have a healthy sense of humor, but I'm not amused. One you pass the age of forty, game-playing isn't cute. Oh hell, it's not cute past twenty. The thing was… you were so completely "earnest" in your longing to get to know that person. I mean you worked hard to get the intro. And worked even harder to garner her interest. You did all but stalk the girl so fervent was your avowal that this was someone you simply had to get to know.

Sure, it's your prerogative to change your mind. It's your option not to pursue someone that you chased (hard and at some expense). And sure, I get that it was Twitter so how seriously should we take it all. You are allowed to simply fall back. I'm not saying what you did was a heinous crime… I'm saying it was trifling and rude. And a little bit unnecessary.

It's not as though you've gone missing. You're still tweeting and blogging and chatting away so we know you're alive and apparently well. What you did was start a conversation, up the intensity to red-hot and then stop speaking mid-sentence and leave the room. We call that mixed messages. Or in this case… a Tweet–n–Run.

The flirting was fine, the banter was fine. But why the full court press? Why all the personal questions? Why set up the coffee/tea/cocktail date? Why ask for the number and never use it? Was it a game, a diversion, something to pass the time? Did you meet someone else? Just what? Oh wait; you did have a lame explanation: you said "your interest and intentions were good but your follow-through and execution sucked". Nice to know and thank you for that bit of honesty. Here's some for you in return…

  1. It's just as irritating when men run hot and cold as when women do it.
  2. There's a phrase: don't start none, won't be none. Re-read and repeat.
  3. Remember when I recommended that you bring your "A" game to the table? This isn't it, is it?
  4. The person you should ask if you still have a shot? You have her phone number - use it. Don't tweet it, don't text it, call.
  5. You can forget any other attempts at a BougieLand hook-up. The Bougie Babes are off-limits to you now.

Anyway, good luck to you sir. It's my experience that once you raise a woman's expectations and then dash them, it's tough to get back in the game but go head on with your bad self. If you're going back in, I would strong suggest you go in with more than a tweet and a smile. You take care now. And watch where you tweet. I see you.



Okay, I feel better now. Thank you BougieLand for allowing me to handle that bit of administrative business. Unfortunately, there's no adequate interview process that screens for flaky. I'll be interested to see if said Dude responds. In the meantime, ever had a potential S.O. just disappear, no explanation? Have you ever faded to black on someone after chasing the hell out of them? As always… your thoughts, comments and insights are welcome. The floor is yours.