Bougie Bachelorette Chronicles - Episode 3: Bullshiggity, Bingo and Buffalo

When last we checked in, Mocha Dude and Mr C were attempting to set me up with some fellas. I had to take out my Bible and respond to dude wanting a Proverbs 31 woman and offering little in return. I told Mocha Dude and Mr. C that in order for me not to become jaded and tart, they had two more chances and then I was just going to shut it down for a little while. The search for Mr. Good-Bougie would have to wait.

As is known to happen the minute you announce your intentions to quit dating all together, men commence to falling out of the woodwork. I had posted a few pictures of myself and family on Facebook and though it took me a minute to notice, all of a sudden the number of male friends requests was up. Significantly. :-/ Since my Facebook page is 98% writing and blog related; unless someone is truly offensive with their FB approach, I accept the friendship. I don't have to like you to sell you a book, okay? #HustleRules

But freakin' Facebook! I have changed my privacy settings a gazillion times and they keep giving out my email address. Usually I don't mind.  Until I get something like this:

HELLO..good sweet lady,i am (name excluded),love your updates & profile,.well my hobbies are ,travelling,reading,swimming,dancing.i travelled a lot due to my occupation.love to be more than a ffriend to you............am just single& looking for my true love,& it might just shock you ,that have found love in you...............thaks for reading my mail,i care to know you more ,i adore you...........FROM XXX

For real tho? Let me remove my disdain for the abysmal grammar first and get into the content. You adore me? Just like that? You've never met me but you've "found love in me"? PLEASE TELL ME SOME WOMAN OUT THERE IS NOT FALLING FOR THIS SHIGGITY! 

I received three other similarly disturbing emails before I got Facebook security to scrub any and everywhere they had my email address. It's my Michele Grant email anyway. Not that someone can't find it here or on my MicheleGrant.net website but let's make the crazies work for it a little bit, shall we?

Next up was a gentleman named Theodis. I decided the only way to remove all semblance of pre-judgment was to simply think of him as Theo. He is 47 years old, former military, current exec, divorced, two grown kids. Theo and I played phone tag for days. I'm not that hard to catch up with but this dude couldn't seem to manage. I am always susupect when someone calls me, I call right back and all of a sudden they are not able to answer their phone. Three times in a row. But moving on...

Theo took to calling at off hours trying to catch me - 6:00 in the morning, 1:30 at night. By this time, I wasn't so eager to chat. His messages were just a mite overly familiar. "One day you and I will lie in bed laughing about how we played phone tag in the beginning. Let's start laughing now." Um, a little bit icky? Finally, one night we connected via text. It was closing in on 11:00pm. He asked if I was going to be up for a while. I replied maybe, why? He said he was out but he'd call when he got in. At 12:30 he called and said he had been at Bingo. 

[we're pausing] Yes, ninja said Bingo. Said he plays three times a week and did I play? I told him I did not, I was sleepy and I'd send him a text in the morning. 

The last guy they were hesitant to set me up with because he's younger and they weren't sure I how cougarific I was feeling. Plus he lives in Houston so they weren't sure how I felt about distance. I told them to let me talk to him first. We talked and talked and talked. Five hour conversation. Such a great conversation that he came up and we had lunch the next day. Gulp. I had no description of dude prior to meeting him. Dude is 6'9" and rather nice to look at. [read fine and chockful of chocolatey goodness] Six-Nine! Sweet Jesus. Engineer, originally from Cali. Divorced, two kids. We have a similarly stupid sense of humor.

The lunch went well. He came back up Wednesday for lunch. All conversational snap-crackle-and-pop. We're meeting this weekend in Buffalo, Texas (exactly halfway between Houston and Dallas) for dinner and a movie. (If there is a movie theater in Buffalo?) And then we'll see.

I put a lot of stock in "vibe" and Bingo Dude just felt hinky. Y'all know hinky, like something there just wasn't quite right. Never gave FB stalker another thought after cutting and pasting his email over here. So between Bullshiggity Stalker, Bingo Dude, and Buffalo Soldier... who ya think I'm rolling with for now? 

BougieLand, who plays Bingo under the age of sixty? (So Not Gangsta/So Not Bougie) Who admits it?  And if it was just a story, that's the best you can come up with? Who sends crazy stalkery emails to women they've never met?  Who believes in instant chemistry? Who has thoughts, comments, insights to share? The floor is yours.

Black Marriage Negotiations Video - Le Huge Sigh

So apparently, I have to say this one mo' gin because some folks haven't opened themselves to the message and let it sink in: It's not a crime to be a single, successful sister with standards. Just because one woman may have overlooked your potential, Ray-Ray, don't be pissy with all of us. 

Breathing in, breathing out. Okay, Bougienistas - Watch this video first and then I'll have a little chit and chat with you.

So ha-ha, right? Supposedly, the person(s) who created this video just wanted to highlight how difficult it is for the brothers to be heard by the sisters because we just want so damn much. We're self-absorbed, mercenary psuedo-Christians whose expectations for happiness are completely unrealistic. Right? I thinks not and I have a few comments:

1. Folks are going to have to make up their minds. Either black women are fat, unloved, lonely and thirsty or we're too fly for our own good and wouldn't recognize a "catch" if it was placed outside our front doors next to a burning bush.

2. I thought we (black bloggers, commentators, journalists, intellects, whatever) were trying to work towards decreasing the animosity of we vs. they. Mars vs. Venus. Lads vs. Ladies. I thought it had been decided that all the "black men ain't ish" and "black women need to recognize" books and posts and pimpin-assed videos simply weren't helpful. Or was that just me?

3. Okay, let's say I'm being sensitive and this is all in good fun. [It's possible] But um... what if this was reversed? How many men would find it just hilarious that women sent this around and said, "It's just SO true! That's why men stay single! They want too damn much." Actually, the quote from my Twitter stream was "This is why you high fallutin' b*tches stay single. " Ni-ice.

4. For every one chick like this overblown caricature, I could attach one of my many bougietales or a bougie bachelorette episode as a point/counterpoint. For every thirsty-as-hell sista, there's a beggin' assed brotha putting Keith Sweatt to shame. We know this. Any reason  to beat one side down over the other?

5. More solution-based problem solving, less animated pot shots. More conversation, less criticism. If people don't get how to do it, I invite them to spend a week perusing the BougieLand comments. We beef, we banter, we talk, we joke, we share, we learn. Men and women. We don't bash or ambush. And those that do get told about it with the swiftness. Hey, maybe that's the solution. We should spread the vibe of bougenificence everywhere. 

I could go on but truthfully, I didn't want to write about this hot mess to begin with. It rubbed me the wrong way (obviously). Maybe I'm tired of seeing the same-old, same-old Successful Single Sister who is alone because she's selfish, high-strung and thinks too highly of herself portrayed over and over again. Like the love of a good man is the only thing that will save her from her inevitable fate of sharing her big lonely bed with Fluffy for the rest of her days. Yep, that's probably it. Yet and still, I had 16 tweets and 22 emails asking me what I and the BougieLand faithful thought about it.

So what do you think about the "film"? All in good fun? Sad and tragic? Somewhat true? Just not helpful? Did I read too much into it? Should we make a response video? Thoughts, comments, insights? The floor is yours.

p.s. no rant tomorrow - I promise! Well, unless something really rantworthy happens.

Bougie Bachelorette Chronicles - Episode 1

Le Sigh. Here begins a new series on BnB. Instead of calling it Dammit I'm Single Again, I'm calling it the Bougie Bachelorette Chronicles. Let's begin, shall we?

So one of the things that I love about BB and Jayme (two of my galpals) is that they want the very best for me right now, this minute, every day, forever. One of the things that drives me crazy about them is that they want the very best for me right now, this minute, every day, forever. Sometimes they decide what the very best for me is and I have to reign them back in. They do it with love and from the perspective that they are both older, married, with children and well out of SingleWomanDramaLand where I sometimes dwell.

Jayme has three men she wants me to meet. One I'm apparently meeting for coffee on Saturday. BB has three men she wants me to meet, two of them have already called. For the record, I asked BB's permission before sharing this because BB know she wrong. [Not knows she is incorrect, but know she wrong. She admits it.] Here's why:

Bachelor #1 - Divorced brother with three grown children in some sort of hospital job. Nice guy, very nice. Courteous. Not the best conversationalist (cannot recall what you talked about at the beginning of the conversation less than ten minutes earlier). But pressed. Press-ed. Nineteen calls in three days pressed. OMG, let a sister breathe. Let me decide if I want to get to know you. Who calls at 7:30 in the morning and at midnight when they are NOT your man? That and the "tell me more about Michele - I want to learn what she's all about, tell me everything that makes you you." How am I supposed to answer that?! Unfortunately, that's his third line after "Hello" and "How are you doing?" Every. single. phone. call. Did I mention 19 calls? As I type, he's calling again. Twenty. Calls. Y'all have to tell me - am I being too critical? Because this seems a bit much.

Bachelor #2 - Government man, former officer in the army. Now working in private aviation. He called Tuesday and left a message. I was planning on getting back to him today. He called back today and opened with, "Why didn't you call me back? Are you one of those women who plays games?" Uh - hello? First flaming scarlet flag, he's 47 years old and never married. Dude said (AND I QUOTE), "I've never met a woman who made me forget all the others or made me want to be faithful." BougieLand... it took everything I had not to hang up the phone right then. He asked me what I was doing when he called the first time. I said yoga. He said, "Black people don't do yoga. But looking at your picture, you're redbone anyway so you can do what white people do and get away with it." **crickets** 

Before I could make up a reason to get off the phone, he hit me with a series of terrible questions. "So why are you still single?" "You probably like those pretty boys, huh?' "Is your hair a weave?" "What was your last sexual experience?" "Do you believe in cooking and cleaning for your man?" "What are your thoughts on fidelity?" I didn't answer any of those. Then he proceeded to tell me I was too serious and needed to "loosen up" and that I probably didn't have time for a man anyway. Because that's the problem with "you professional women" - don't wanna make sacrifices for a man. AND THEN (no I'm not done) he told me that the last woman he dated (a 52-year old chick who had been married three times ) cheated on him. Me: I'm sorry that happened to you. Thanks so much for calling. *CLICK* I don't even need your opinion on this one. No. Thank. You.

So I told BB to get Mocha Dude Speaks (her hubby) to scout out Bachelor #3 for me. She's no longer allowed to give out my phone number without supervisory oversight. [side-eye] I was so irritated at one point today that I tweeted for intelligent male life. I needed one man to say to say one intelligent thing to me to cancel out the ignorance I was listening to.

Le Deep Sigh. What y'all think about Bachelors #1 and #2? They know nothing about the blog so feel free to speak your mind. What part of the game is 20 calls? People are still calling folks redbone in 2010? What are our thoughts on men that are unmarried after "a certain age"? While you guys go in on that, let me go chit and chat with BB for a minute...

Four things that happened on my way to living drama-free

So the plan, in case you're wondering; is to spend just a little bit of time all about Michele living drama-free. Yes, I'm embracing Zen Chele. But um... perhaps before I attempted to achieve that peaceful state I shouldn't have blogged my break up to the universe? Here are four things that happened on my way to the Zen Zone.

1. An ex-boyfriend who reads the damn blog called around mid-day. He kindly offered to fly into town to "take care" of me. I assume he was referring to the "hot chocolate"? I declined. Damn y'all with your chatter about whipped cream and marshmallows.

2. A girlfriend gave some random dude my phone number and told him, "Now's your shot!" He called and asked me out for coffee. I said I'd get back him. So he said, "Do you just want to come over and watch a movie?" I paused. He said, "Of the adult variety?" **CLICK** Now I have to call her back and find out just what exactly she said about me?

3. Distant cousins I haven't talked to in years sent me Facebook messages to see if I'm okay. Yes, I am but uh - where you been?

4. Jayme has already tried to set me up. She has apparently been hoarding "hook ups" for me since midsummer. Side-eye to Jayme who swears that it's not that she thought my relationship would fail... she was just hegding her bets in case it did. By this evening, she had sent over five "resumes" of men she thought were suitable for me to meet. Le Sigh Jayme.

One more lecture about "getting back in the saddle"... one more talk about the best way to "get over one is to get under another"... already over it. I've heard formulas about how long you have to "grieve" one relationship based on time in relationship, intensity of relationship, it goes on and on. Which is amusing because I had one guy that I broke up with on a Tuesday move in with someone else that same Friday. I've taken anywhere from one week to one year before glancing in anyone else's direction. 

So tell me BougieLand - what's the formula you've heard? How long before you flirt, date, share hot chocolate after a break-up? Wildly curious to hear what some of you have to say about this one.

Communication without Comprehension means da-da

So… Derrick (formerly known as New Dude) and I were having a conversation the other day. He was in his home office on his speakerphone and I was running around like a crazy person picking up stuff for the remodel of the guest room (whole other post people). The point is, we got around to talking about our plans for the Fourth of July weekend. I indicated that BougieSis was coming into town and it was BougieMom's birthday so I had a few family things to do. He said he was heading to San Diego for a golf weekend with his boys.

Then he paused and said, "Are you cool with that?"

I paused because my first thought was, "Why wouldn't I be?" I was surprised he phrased it like that and I wondered how much I was allowed to ask. I used to be the lone girl invited along to boys' weekend and what I saw wasn't pretty. The wives and girlfriends left at home would not have been amused to see what I saw. So I wondered – what kind of boys' weekend was it? Who was invited? Was there anything I needed to be worrying about? But again, we're brand new so I'm not sure what to ask and how to phrase it without it coming across as a demand for a definition of our relationship… if we're even ready to call it that.

But before I could decide what to ask, I heard his friend Vince say, "Bruh – are you asking her permission? She's got you on lock like that? You are whip-" Derrick pushed the mute button. Le Deep Sigh. Vince, who lost his girlfriend because he wanted to search for something better, was chock full of commentary. Can I pause for a second and say I'm already not feeling the Vin-Man? Okay… moving on.

"Hello?" I said into the phone.

"Sorry about that." I heard a door being slammed in the background. Apparently, he put Vince out.

"No problem."

"Listen. I was just making sure you didn't have something else planned for us over the holiday weekend."

"Okay, no – I didn't plan ahead."

"Okay, well I'm heading out Thursday and I'll be back on Monday, can I see you when I get back?"

"Sure."

"And feel free to call me if you want to, anytime. I mean anytime. Don't worry about the hour."

I laughed, "I will do that."

He laughed, "Please do."

"You do the same."

"I don't want to interrupt your family weekend or any other plans you might have."

Ooo-kay. "I don't have any other plans until you get back. I'll be chilling with fam."

"Well alright then. Talk to you later." He hung up.

Two minutes later he called back, "In case I'm not being clear – I'm not seeing anyone else. Not planning on it, okay?"

I laughed again, "I got it and ditto."

"You know I think we're on the same page but I had to assume you heard what I was saying. Unfortunately I've been in a relationship where I swore I said the sky is blue and the person heard me say grey."

"And I've been in relationship where I swore I heard grey and they thought they said blue."

"So it's a blue sky."

"Clear and blue."

He quoted a movie we watched the other night (I can't remember what it was). "Good talk."

"Good talk."

After I hung up, I got to thinking. What a difference phrasing makes. The difference between "Boys' weekend, see you when I get back" and what I heard was huge. The difference between me saying "Why do you think I have other plans?" and what I said was huge. And I wondered if this isn't what mature relationships are supposed to be about. Not just communicating but finding the most effective way to communicate to get a point across. It was a light bulb moment. Everyone always says "Communication is the key" but perhaps we'd be better served saying "Effective communication is the key." Otherwise we're just talking and nothing is being said.

Just my random thoughts, what say you? Have you had instances where you thought you got your point across only to find that the main idea was completely missed? Is effective communication the single most important key to successful relationships? Business, personal, familial? The floor is yours.