Question for the Fellas Week 2

The Questions for the Fellas I refused to answer...

I could call them the best of the rest but really, they were the Worst of the Thirst. Ladies, ladies, ladies - read the t-shirt (available at

Some of these questions were just shameful in their thirst, ignorance and needaclueness. Let's take a look, shall we?
1. How can I make a man fall in love with me?
2. Can you ask the men to give tips on giving better (fill in the blank of several cocoa related acts here)?
3. Even though my man is married - [yeah, I stopped reading after that]
4. Can you hook me up with (insert a BnB dude's name here)?
5. I'm engaged to a man that I've never met face to face - [I went no further]
6. I'm dating my ex-s.o.'s line brother. What can I do to smooth over the situation?
7. I don't go out much and I'm shy in public. How do I get guys to notice me? I'm invisible to them.
8. What do you think is the best way to break up with somebody?
9. I stopped stirring the cocoa with my husband six months ago and - [I sent her straight to Dr. Jayme]
10. Is there any surefire way to keep a man from cheating?
Y'all see what I mean, right? I couldn't even in good conscience turn these over to the fellas to dissect and review. But I'll turn these over to you, Bougienistas. Do you want to take a swing at any of these? Did you have other questions you wanted answered that weren't covered this week? Feel free and go in, the floor is yours. (And thanks for a great week!)

Question for the fellas: What’s up with the TapBack?

Ah yes, the TapBack... one of our BougieLand special words. Defined as the reaching out of a former S.O. usually in the form of a phone call to test the temperature in case they 1) want you back 2) just want to "tap" or 3) want to mess with your head. Le TapBack.

Ladies want to know... why do you do it, fellas? We've moved on, you've moved on and yet here you go. Generally late at night with a full moon high in the sky... yonder come the TapBack. I received forty-eight (48!!) questions about TapBack. Why does it happen? How to handle it? What if it's one tap only, no repeat performances? How to make the calls stop? And so on, and so on, and so on...

I have multiple opinions on this topic. But it's not about me. Here to share their opinions are BnB regulars Mr. Skyywalker and JasonP. I setup a quick call with the fellas and posed the question... what's up with the TapBack?
Jason: First and foremost, this is not a male phenomenon. We can't even blame the testosterone on this one.
Skyy: Matter of fact, if you really want - we can blame 80% of TapBack on the alcohol.
Me: Your answer is really blame it on the alcohol?
Skyy: If it fits...
Jason: I think I've been hit by more late night/holiday/club parking lot TapBack than I've ever dispensed.
Me: You've never made a TapBack phone call?
Jason: Didn't say that. Just said TapBack is equal opportunity.
Me: Duly noted.
Skyy: Lookie here, you're sitting there, right? A song comes on, a movie comes on, a certain scent hits your nose and you think... oh yeah, her. You dig out the cell phone scroll through to see if the number is still there and next thing you know...
Me: TapBack.
Jason: There it is. Unless it's the wonder what game.
Me: Wonder what?
Skyy: Quit actin' brand new, everybody has looked through their contacts and said, "Wonder what happened to So-and-so?"
Me: I wasn't being brand new, just getting clarification.
Jason: Uh-huh and so anyway, it's not like some sort of malicious intent. Not like we wait until we see you on the street with some other dude and say, "Oh let me call and see what's up with that?"
Skyy: Unless it is.
Jason: Okay. True. Maybe we're jealous, maybe we're lonely, maybe we need cocoa and you always poured it correctly. All the lady has to do... is not answer the phone. 
Skyy: Boom. 
Me: Simple as all that?
Jason: Men are simple creatures. Unless it gets complicated.
Skyy: See now. That right there. My last TapBack phone call was fairly innocent.
Me: Didn't you get married a few weeks back?
Skyy: Exactly. So several months back when I got engaged, I made the closure "this shop is closed for further TapBack" call. 
Jason: Why even do that?
Skyy: Preventative strike. I try to meet drama before it pulls in the driveway.
Me: How'd it go?
Skyy: Not great. I called to say I was onto the next and she was like how about one for the road?
Me: Have a nice life Tapback?
Skyy: See? Messy. 
Me: So isn't it better just not to make the call at all?
Jason: In a perfect world sure. You could walk away from people without a what if or a look back. Sometimes you look back and TapBack happens.
Me: Thank you Gentlemen. I appreciate your time.
BougieLand, what say you? Jason and Mr. Skyy making sense? Does TapBack just happen? Are you guilty of making the call (sending the text)? Is there anyway for "sex with the ex" not to be messy? Wouldn't a clean break just be better? Do you avoid these calls or answer the phone to see what's what? Inquiring minds want to know. The floor is yours...

Question for the fellas: Do men have different priorities in life than women?

Continuing Question for the Fellas Week 2, this question threw me a little bit. I definitely used to assume that most people have the same general priority list: Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness. Recognizing that those three things are huge categories that encompass a lot of other things like family, religion, sustenance, health, etc – I thought those were fairly universal wants and needs. It certainly never occurred to me that men and women of this modern era might have vastly different basic life goals.

But I received an interesting question where a woman really felt that her man had no interest in keeping a roof over their head, bringing home a paycheck or in fact finding meaning in the world beyond his Playstation, his pot smoking and his p***s. I assured her that her man was more aberration than the norm in my experience. I received a second letter from a lady very concerned about her biological time clock and lamenting that her husband placed a higher priority on promotions than propagation. 

So I put the question out there to two brethren @TMCYDame and @RobertBleek and here's what we've got:
Dame says: It totally depends on the individual person you’re dealing with and that person’s drive, selfishness and/or selflessness. In general, our priorities don’t differ. Though popular opinion doesn't want you believing this, we’re fairly similar beings. Good people, male or female, are looking to create good lives and foster environments of love for themselves, their families and their friends. And they have priorities that are aligned with doing so. For self-centered, ambitious types, the opposite is likely true. You can easily find men and women who are career-focused, driven individuals with similar priorities. The same is true for guys and gals who are looking to put more focus on their family and friends. It just depends on the individual.
Rob says: I don't even think this is a man/woman issue. This is deeper almost to genetics, nature vs. nurture and value-based morals type of a debate. 15-hour-a-day-hustle-and-grind folks probably shouldn't get too serious with don't-give-a-damn-if-the-rent-is-paid folks unless they want to carry that weight. I'm engaged to a neat freak, I tend to stack ish in a corner. Her priority is blindingly-bleached order in the house, mine is "clean enough for company" neatness. Are our priorities different because she's  a woman and I'm a man? No. I think there's too much crap out in the media now about men wanting model-quality women, 24/7 ESPN and rims. I also think there's too much out there about women wanting shoes, purses, babies and a man with a big... income. At the end of the day, I think everyone wants love, companionship and someone who gets them. It's great if it comes in a slamming package while in a nice house with a 2.2 kids and a 401(k). But are those priorities or a wishlist? I think for the most part God, Home/Family, Career are key priorities for most. Or is that too old-fashioned? As you would say, LeShrug.
Bougieland, what say you? Is the media/pop culture/world at large skewing our priorities or just making it seem that way? Do you truly believe that men and women want different things out of life? What's your number one priority and would you expect your S.O.'s to be the same? What do you think about Rob and Dame's statements? Have you ever had to end a relationship because of a complete imbalance of priorities? Answer some, none or all. Thoughts, comments, opinions? The floor is yours...

Question for the fellas: How come you don’t call me anymore?

In the immortal words of Prince:

What I wanna know, baby
If what we had was good
How come U don't call me anymore?

Yes, today we're talking about the phone drama! Ladies (sent in 24 questions on this topic) want to know:
  1. Will he call?
  2. Won't he call?
  3. How can I get him to call?
  4. Should I call or send a text?
  5. He said he would call but he hasn't?
  6. I would call but I don't want to seem pressed?
  7. He used to call and now he doesn't?
  8. He said he's too busy to call but I see him sending tweets and updating his FB status…
Arrgh! So much drama over communication. There's such a passive-aggressive power struggle over who calls whom and when! But this week isn't about my opinions. I enlisted the services of two of the BnB brethren to share their opinions. I asked the question – If everything is all good, why would you stop calling?

First up to answer the question, resident rabble-rouser @ThinkLikeRiley:
Man don't want, man don't call. It's Just. That. Simple. Naw, sis – I ain't trapped under a building or playing it cool. I'm doing something else with someone else who is not you. Maybe you thought it was all good, guess I didn't so I'm gone. If I change my mind, I'll call you back. Meanwhile, if you really feenin' for a brotha, hit him up and let him know. You may get lucky. 3:00 am gets lonely. I don't say this ish to be mean, I'm just being real.
Ooo. Wee. Next up to answer the question is @MeetCharlieL:
There could be a hundred reasons why I haven't called… yet. I'm working, I'm sleepy, I'm out of town, we're not exclusive and I'm seeing more than one person, my phone died, I initiated the call the last ten times and I'm waiting on you to call me or I'm dialing your number right now! Ladies have got to chill out. If the script was flipped and the woman didn't call me, I'd call her and say what's up. If she blows me off, I fall back. Sure, I wonder what happened, why we went from "all systems go" to "do not enter" but I won't obsess over it. I think the bigger question is – what happens when one person thinks it's "all good" and the other person doesn't? But back to your point. If a man wants to be with you, he will find a way. Believe that.
And alright then. BougieLand, do you agree with Riley? Charlie? Ladies and gents, who has done the fade to black no explanation? What's the latest in phone call etiquette? Who calls who first? How long should it take to return a call or text? Who (like me) believes that same or better communication should be returned (i.e – if I call, don't text me back)? Thoughts, comments, insights? The floor is yours…

Question for the fellas – Do all men lie?

Welcome to Questions for the Fellas Week (the remix). The ladies came guns a-blazing to the table. Gents, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just relaying what I was asked. And I received no less than fifteen questions revolving around the dishonesty of menfolk. Ruh-roh. Take a look at a few:
  1. Why do men lie?
  2. Do all men lie?
  3. Why can't men just be honest?
  4. What's wrong with a man just being straight forward?
  5. How do I know if a man is telling me the truth?
And so it went. In the interest of fact-finding, I sat down with two men: @DavidLChase (David) and his friend @AnotherWord43 (Trey) and asked the question – Do all men lie?
David – All people lie. Men tend to get caught more often. Maybe women are more suspicious or have better dishonesty radars.
Trey – I'm offended by the question. No, I'm lying. Yes, all men lie. We tell small lies just to keep the drama to a minimum. Women tell big lies to keep from getting cut. There's a difference.
Me (to Trey) – Tell me you're joking.
Trey – I could tell you that, but I'd be lying.
Me (to David) – I hate your friend.
David – He has that effect on women.
Me (to both) – Seriously, you both are telling me that all men lie about everything? That's what you want the takeaway to be?
Trey – Oh, are these life lessons for the ladies? Let me think. Umm, no – men don't lie about everything all the time. But we own the victimless lie.
Me (blinking) – I'm sorry? What exactly is a victimless lie?
Trey – "Yes, I took the trash out" "No I wouldn't do Kim Kardashian" "Yes, those jeans look good" "Sure it's okay if we watch The Notebook again" "No I didn't see her boobs spilling out of that dress, I was looking at you, baby" Victimless lies.
Me (to David) – Are you cosigning this?
David (shifting uneasily) – I plead the fifth.
Me – That's not allowed. We're going to need an answer.
David – I'm not sure there's such a thing as a victimless lie. I mean telling a woman she looks good in jeans when she obviously doesn't just hurts humanity.
Me (rolling my eyes) – Why not just shoot straight?
Trey – Honesty can be brutal. Let's say I meet a chick –
Me – A woman.
Trey – Fine, yes, a woman. Let's say I met a woman online and we're vibin' with the chatter and all. Then I met her in person and she's a total dog.
Me – Unattractive.
Trey – You're like the political correctness police. Sorry. Yes, she's very unattractive. I can't say, sorry I'm no longer interested because the ugly stick beat you down. That would be mean.
Me – Not to mention shallow.
Trey – Touché. But you see what I mean. It's easier to cut the meeting short and then send a text saying I met someone else I like better.
Me – Why can't you just say the chemistry isn't there? It's a way to say that the attraction wasn't there without being mean or lying.
Trey – Can I use that? Cuz truthfully, I don't always stop and think of the nicest way to put things, I focus on the end result. If I say "A" then I can do "B" – and I want the easiest most direct route from A to B. Men don't like complicated. If it's quick and easy, that's 90% the way they'll go.
David – Okay, I have to disagree on that one. I'm a talker. I prefer to take a little extra time and think about what I'm saying before I say it. If I do tell a lie, it's for a good reason.
Me – And what is a good reason to lie?
David – To spare someone's feelings or to cover someone until the right time to tell the truth comes along.
Me – The right time to tell the truth?
David – C'mon now. It's not always the best time to blurt out the bald truth to people. Sometimes tongues need to be held for a minute. And let's be honest, there are a few things all of us could probably take to the grave and feel okay about that.
Trey – See, David has to qualify things and make them complicated. Go with my victimless theory. It's catchy.
Me (shaking head) – Thank you, gentlemen for sharing. I'll present this to BougieLand and see what they think.
Trey – Whoa, like a critique? 
David – Man, listen. Wait and see.
Trey – Am I going to regret this? Could I get voted off the island? I just got here. 
Me – Ha! Let's find out…
BougieLand, what say you? Does everybody lie? Do men lie more often? Are women just better at detecting lies? Is there any such thing as a "victimless lie"? Do you believe that there is a good reason to lie? Are there some things we should just take to the grave? Do you think omitting details is the same as a lie? What do you think about what David and Trey had to say? You know the rules: Answer one, none or any number in between. Share your thoughts. The floor is yours…