JohnK

Bougie Follow up: The Dear John Letter (with a twist)


So if you've been hanging around BnB for a minute, you know the story of JohnK. His fiancée withheld the cocoa for months and then shared it while they were on tropical vacay all tipsy and whatnot. Unfortunately, she said the wrong name at the exact wrong time. Then he figured out why and broke off the engagement. Then she tried to sue him for all sort of nonsense. The entire saga is here. I had the pleasure of reconnecting with John a few days ago while he was visiting Texas trying to decide between moving to Dallas, Houston or Austin. Ironically, on that same day I had received an email from his ex-fi, Tracey. She wanted to tell  "her side of the story." 

He was dying to see it. I handed him my BlackBerry to read. As he was reading it, he said, "I don't even want to know how she found out about the blog post. Are you going to publish this?" 

"No, I don't support rampant ratchetery and tomfoolery from people that hurt my friends." 

He nodded, "Can I answer her? On your blog? We could call it my closure letter." My eyes lit up. Oooh. That sounded like good blog fodder. So without further ado... John's response (with a few of my edits) to the five-page "it's not my fault" letter from his ex-fiancée Tracey...
Hey Trace,
Just read the letter you wrote to Michele. At first only one word came to mind: Wow. But then I sat with it for a second and decided I have answers to some of your questions.
I haven't seen you since you came by the office and made a scene in the lobby. Sorry about that overzealous security guard. He didn't mean to bounce you out of the building like that but when they say "Ma'am you really have go" that means you really have to go. I know you have problems comprehending what people say to you from time to time thinking that the rules apply to everyone else but you. Any luck getting the security company to reimburse for the grass stains on your pants? 
I understand you were angry that I took back the car. No, I can't call it stealing because it belonged to me. I bought it. I possess the title. Do you know what's ironic? Let me tell you. When you sued me, I had to go to court. And after everything was thrown out and the judge basically laughed us out of the courtroom, I had to cut across a couple of parking garages to get to my car. It wasn't until I walked past that shiny little navy Audi coupe that I remembered. I bought that for you last summer when your Honda was acting up and I still thought you were going to be Mrs. Kendall. So see, if you hadn't sleep around on me, lied, got caught, got broken up with and then tried to stick me for my paper (RIP Biggee) I never would've seen the car. Now that's irony. Or poetic justice or one of those karma type instances. 
So yes, I did send my cousin Royce to retrieve my property in the middle of the night. To use one of your colorful phrases, "What's mine is mine." And really, my sister Pam deserves it so much more than you. I know she always hated your guts and I do apologize that she came by your house beeping and honking. But like you always said - I can't control who I'm related to. 
I think we both know there's nothing left to say or do here. With that 20/20 hindsight, I'm going to agree with you that I was "a distant, workaholic, control freak" - sure, I could see where some of that is true. Funny how you never mentioned any of this before though like when your hand was weighed down by four carats and clutching the keys to a brand new German car. I mean I could call you a lying cheating mercenary drama queen but where would that get us? Exactly where we are now. 
Yes, I am moving to Texas. For many reasons. First and foremost, it's a promotion. Also, have you seen what houses are going for there? Did you know there's no state income tax? There's a place in Dallas that has a tequila bar. A. Tequila. Bar. Over 50 kinds of tequila in one place. Houston has a Pappadeaux on every other corner. (If you don't know what one is, thank me later) Tex-Mex food is a religious experience. And the women in Texas... well I'll just be nice and say none of them are you. And that's a very good thing. 
All best,
John
Whelp! Tracey, I don't know you but I did read most of your lengthy-azz letter. Nothing in there explained your low-rent move of bumpin' and a-grindin' on your Pilates instructor. Methinks you take personal training a little too personally. If you need a "takeaway' as you so eloquently put it... it's this: move on. In the words of Smokey from the perennial classic "Friday" - you got knocked the f*** out! Bougie bites back, babe. Don't come round here no' more, ya hear?

BougieLand, if you had a chance to write a closure letter to your ex, what would you put in it? Would you send it? Think Tracey will go away now? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Update to Ask a Bougie Chick - From love to litigation in less than 60 days


Okay people, lock and load for this update. Do we recall the story of John? His (then) fiancee first called out the wrong name in bed, then she was cold-busted doing her Pilates/Yoga/Whatever instructor Kevin. John sent her packing. At the time, we called her Pam but John is no longer worried about her anonymity - chickie's name is Tracey. 

You would think after your things have been professionally packed and set out on the curb (class move, by the way John!), you would leave well enough alone. You would think after your ex-future-mother-in-law had to come over to your house to get the ring back, you would give up. But no... not Tracey. John and Tracey had split the wedding costs. John indicated that he had to forfeit over $20,000 to cancel the honeymoon and reception. Tracey was stuck with the remaining $12,000 plus whatever she paid for the dress. 

Tracey has attempted to file suit against John for the $12k, claiming breach of contract and emotional distress. No, I'm not lying. Tracey wasn't done though. She also tried to sue Kevin claiming he deliberately seduced her and alienated John's affections causing her to miss out on being Mrs. John for the next 30 years. She is calling that "lost revenue" to the tune of three million dollars. Three. Million. Dollars. She said that both Kevin and John defamed her character. She has tacked on punitive damages of $1MM to John and $500k to Kevin.

We're not done... she also claims that she is owed the cost of the ring she was forced to give back (no, she didn't pay for it). And she claims that she is so distraught over the hot mess her life has turned into that she can't earn a living for herself. While she was on a hot streak, she sued the exercise studio for not "disclosing" the fact that Kevin was little more than a toned gigolo. 

Her lawsuit against Kevin has already been tossed out. The preliminary hearing for her suit against John is in a few weeks. The studio is actually considering giving this chick a settlement. I. Quit. Life.

Er, uh - how does someone seduce you away from your man for six months straight? How are you calling your broken engagement lost lifetime revenue?! How is your character defamed if everything they said was true?! Basically, how do you skank your way out of an engagement and expect everybody to pay you?

What say you, BougieLand? Got any words for Tracey? For John? For Kevin? For Tracey's whacktastic lawyer? Is civil court how we settle personal beef these days? Is that what's hot in the streets? Share your thoughts, the floor is yours...

Part Two of an Ask a Bougie Chick - Who is Kevin?


This week, we've been answering "Ask a Bougie Chick" questions. Yesterday, a friend of a friend of mine, John wrote in to see if his suspicions about his fiancée calling out the name Kevin during a "special moment" were warranted or not. 99% of the BnB comments felt that he was right to be concerned.

But before I even had finished putting that post together, he sent me another letter. John may be in love but he's not stupid. [Which was the crux of what was troubling me. He's too smart to fall for an okey-doke. But love, as you as know, makes fools of us all. Anyway, moving on...] Here's what he had to say... [in all honesty, he asked me to re-work his letter since it was all over the place so here's my Chele-fied version of what he said. He approved my version before posting]
Chele,
You know what? You can go ahead and use the last letter I sent but after I sent it to you, I got to thinking. Re-reading it like that made me take a step back and look at this from a purely factual point of view. As a matter of fact, I've thought of little else since pressing SEND three days ago. And in your words, I have to call bullshiggity. Who the hell is Kevin?
No need to ask Pam again, she is obviously a much more accomplished liar than I ever suspected. I wrote out a timeline and thought about what had happened since we first shopped for the ring. What was different? This is so cliché, I cannot believe it. Pam started taking Pilates.  One guess as to who her Pilates instructor is?
Earlier today, she came home from her workout all sweaty. Normally, I wouldn't be home but a meeting got reshuffled so I came home early. I leaned in to kiss her and she pulled back a little and said, "Gimme a second, I need a shower." I nodded, "You should really wash Kevin off you before you come home." She went completely still and if it's possible for a dark-skinned girl to turn white - she came damn close. For the first time in the three plus years I've known her, she couldn't put a sentence together. 
All I said was, "I'm not that guy." She went into a whole tearful "it means nothing" speech which honestly is insulting as all hell. I'd rather hear that she fell in love with the guy rather than "it means nothing". Why throw what we had away for nothing or did she really think she could keep us both? It's worse case scenario - she was just going to continue doing him until the wedding. Yes, actually said that. "It was just until the wedding."
What magical damn thing was going to happen at the wedding to make her less of an unfaithful tramp? [Blogger's note: Those are John's words not my interpretation] And I know, I know - I should look at this as a blessing that I found out now instead of later.
Really doesn't feel like a blessing right now. Feels like I almost married a woman who played me for a complete idiot. I did have to ask her if she ever really loved me and she said "of course" with this wounded look but we've already established that she lies... well. She wants to know what she has to do (beyond quit swirling Kevin) to fix this. I told her I needed time and sent her to stay with her girlfriend.
Is this even fixable? Am I a complete idiot to want to try? She gives up Kevin, we get some counseling - what do you think our chances are? Or am I still being an idiot? Let me put it like this, Chele: 1) If it was you, what would you do? and 2) If we were good friends, what would you tell me to do?
Oh John. It's so fresh. You don't have to make any decisions beyond postponing/canceling the wedding right now. The hardest part about things like this is that your head and your heart are at odds with each other. This is a phenomenon I am far too familiar with. Your brain is screaming "Run far fast and free in the other direction!" Your heart is still in love with the person you asked to marry you. So here are my answers:

1) I'd bail on the wedding. I don't know about trying to salvage the relationship. I tend to hold grudges for a while. It takes me a minute to turn the "let bygones" page. It's not just the betrayal but the deceit plus this part of that person's character that has been revealed. It's a lot to absorb.

2) I'd tell you to bail on the wedding and really think about if the relationship is salvageable. Are you going to be able to forgive and forget? What exactly were her motivations for being with you? There are a lot of unanswered questions you need to get to the bottom of before even considering moving forward with the relationship let alone a wedding.

Truthfully, my initial gut instinct is to tell you that you deserve better than some pretty chick who gives it up to the Pilates dude (who is probably doing his entire client list). Part of me wants to come up there and smack the shiggity out of her. These trifling heffas who don't know when they got a good man - Arrgh! Woo-sah. But I'm a little cynical. Let me turn it over to BnB.

BougieLand, what do you have? Is this even fixable? Is he a complete idiot to want to try? With counseling, what do you think their chances are? If it was you, what would you do? If he was your good friend, what would you tell him to do? And a deeper question, for those of us that have been cheated on... if you knew in advance that your s/o was going to cheat on you... would you have still pursued the relationship? Answer one, none, all or give me your thoughts. The floor is yours.

In this episode of Ask a Bougie Chick: Did you really have to ask? Part One


Y'all know I try so hard to keep it light-hearted, polite and bougenificent around this parts and then I get some hot mess like the letter I am rolling out for you today. I just... I can't... why... let me just get on with it. 

Today's letter comes from John in Portland. I actually semi-know him, he is a frat brother of a my friend Rose's ex-husband Chad. We met at their wedding years ago. John is 38, handsome, very successful and sorta engaged. You'll see what I mean shortly:
Hi Michele, congrats on the books. You're doing great things on the blog. I've been reading since the very beginning and it's great to see the growth and audience participation. I don't comment but I thought I'd send over a little of my situation to see what you and the rest of BnB thinks. 
A few years ago. I met a great girl. Beautiful, professional, Christian, a real sweetheart. I'll call her Pam. After dating for about two years, we got engaged. A month (three months ago) after getting engaged, she told me that she wanted to stop "swirling the cocoa" until the wedding night. Obviously, I wasn't happy but it was only going to be a six month wait so I agreed. 
It's been hard (I mean that in every way possible) but bearable. For New Year's Eve weekend, we went away to Cabo. Tequila happened and next thing you know - cocoa time. So (pardon the detail), we're in mid-swirl and things are getting heated when she starts getting vocal with her approval. Unfortunately, right after calling out my name, Pam called out another name. Not mine. I probably should have stopped right there but you know - three months. So we finished and went to sleep.
The next morning over breakfast I asked her who Kevin was. She said without blinking that she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her she called out his name and she said I must have misheard her in the heat of the moment. I kept after her and she said that there is no Kevin. With nothing but a tequila hangover and a blurry idea of what happened, I dropped it. Since then we've been back on regular cocoa. It's better than ever, amazing actually and she hasn't said anything like that again. There's no Kevin at her work or in her cell phone. 
I half think I imagined the whole thing. But if I didn't what's the possibility that her calling out someone else's name in bed isn't something I should worry about? I lowkey just don't want to rock the boat but I knew I could count on you to give me a sanity check. What do you think?  Am I being played?
Feel free to be brutally honest. -John
Brutal honesty coming right up: Maybe someone in BougieLand will have a different view but from what you've relayed, yessir you are being played... well. Like a fiddle. Make that a Stradivarius. Why do you think she resumed passing out the hot chocolate AND elevated it to "amazing" level? John, she is cocoa-ing you into submission to make sure you are at that altar. If it wasn't for the fact that you are a friend of a friend, I'd have to semi-admire your girl's game. 

Please understand what has happened here from the outside looking in. She got the ring but still had a few oats to sow. She's not skanky enough to do you and others (Kevin) at the same time so she put you on cocoa restrictions under the guise of wanting that White Wedding Feeling. But then it was just you and her and top shelf tequila in Mexico. She went with the moment, you are the future husband after all. The moment got hot and she forgot who she was with. 

Believe me, a woman in bed calls out 1) The guy she's really into {usually the one that's currently in her!} and 2) Jesus, Lord, Jehovah, God - whichever all-powerful being we pray to and springs to our lips first. What's said in the heat of passion is generally what's real. I was not in an intimate situation when I accidently called one man by another's one name. We were just riding in the car. **crickets** I tried to play it off but the damage was done. Let me introduce you to the following term:

Freudian slip n. A verbal mistake that is thought to reveal a repressed belief, thought, or emotion.

And no sir, you did not imagine that she called out someone else's name. You heard what you heard.  And she knew she said it as soon as it flew out of her mouth. But you waited until the next morning to call her on it and she was able to play it off by then.

It's your engagement/relationship/life but - something's rotten in the state of Denmark. Before you say, "I do" make sure she didn't with some dude named Kevin.

BougieLand - what do you think? Fellas - I'd especially like to hear your thoughts on this one.  Am I the only one who thinks something's off? Ladies - if the shoe was on the other foot (your man said someone else's name), what would you do? Am I making more of this than it is? Comments, insights and thoughts welcome...

[And yes, this is just part one. We have a follow-up letter from John tomorrow!]