I was at my hairdresser's the other day and as per usual in the beauty shop, the conversation turned to relationships. One of the ladies indicated that her boyfriend of about one year told her that he was concerned about her recent weight gain. Immediately, one of the ladies gasped and exclaimed, "He shouldn't have said that."
My first reaction was, "How did he say it?" Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Okay, I know (believe me, I know) that weight is a touchy subject. Unless the comment is, "Wow, you're really looking great." Or "I'll love you at any size." It's hard to have a discourse that doesn't trample someone's feelings. But the truth of the matter is, if this is an issue that impacts your relationship, wouldn't it be better to address it early?
We all know there are so many wrong ways to have this conversation. Buying your woman a treadmill for Christmas. Laying out the workout gear on the bed after she gets up in the morning. Sending a copy of the Atkins' Diet to her Nook. Snatching a bag of snacks out of her hand as she watches TV. When the waiter comes by to ask if you would like dessert announcing, "She doesn't need any." O__o (All of these stories happened to people I know.)
For the most part, women know when they are gaining weight. But what we don't know is how much weight our significant other is "fine" with and when we've crossed a line in his head that changes his perception of us. Yes, yes - I know. We are supposed to be loved for the total package. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, yes this is true. But if your original packaging was a size 2 and now you're in a 22, you've changed the rules of the game without getting your s/o's buy in. Like it or not, part of what attracted him was the packaging. Men feel betrayed when you take away their shiny, pretty toys. It sucks but it's true.
Think this is touchy terrain? Try telling a man that he is terrible (not just slightly uninventive) but terrible in bed. This is the dilemma that another friend of mind is dealing with. Her man of close to two years has started taking the cocoa for granted. The bed game is now lazy. Where before he took the time to prep and stir the cocoa before bringing it to full boil adding everything including sprinkles, now he's just opening the package of instant, microwaving and stirring twice. (Stay with the metaphor people)
Again, there are bad ways to communicate this. Lying there after the 30-second cocoa and hissing, "Dude, is that it?!" Downloading a copy of "Sex for Dummies" onto his Kindle. Waiting until he complains about something so she can counter attack: Him: "We're out of milk, did you not have time to go the store?" Her: "I was too busy giving myself orgasms since you're no longer able." [Welp!] Again, all true instances.
Men may or may not know they suck in bed. Women may or may not know that their men are fine if she gains 5 pounds but 15 is going to be an issue. If you can't talk about these issues with each other, you've created a bigger problem. It's not just what you say but how you say it, when you say it and how often you repeat it. {Nagging is never winning behavior Never not ever.] Also, are you enabling the behavior? Are you bitching about your girl's weight and swinging by with red velvet cupcakes? Are you complaining about the cocoa prowess but getting an Oscar for your fake orgasms? This things don't help, they hinder. And most importantly, is it coming from a place of true compassion and concern or is it coming from petty selfishness.
The best way a guy can talk to a woman about her weight is by removing any sort of accusatory blame from the conversation. In the instance of the woman at the hairdresser, the man mentioned that because of his family history he was adopting a more healthy lifestyle and asked if she wanted to start going to the gym with him. Something in his tone alerted her and she asked him, "Have I put on a few pounds?" And he replied yes. I didn't see anything wrong with that. The women in the shop felt that he should accept her no matter what. Yes, that's true but is it realistic?
So I put the questions to you, BougieLand. Are there certain touchy subjects that you can't discuss without drama? Is there a good way to tell someone a super-sensitive critical thing? What's the best way? Is it wrong to tell a woman she's gained weight? What if the man had gained weight and/or the woman was suddenly lazy in bed? What to do, how to discuss? Do share...