Catching up on Ask a Bougie Chick letters this week and I must say, this one jumped out at me. Not to sound sexist but I usually hear this from the ladies not the gents. Take a look:
Hi Michele, SBM recently turned 30, I'm in Charlotte and I've been reading your blog for a while and I noticed you have a belief in things being fated or destined. Is that true for relationships as well? I'm a guy who has been in a relationship that is on again off again with a woman for the last three and a half years.
When I met her I knew almost right away that she was the one for me. Everything about her was what I was looking for in wife material. Sounds a little sexist but I don't mean it that way. Our problem or my problem is that she (Lisa) doesn't see things the same way. Every time we get to a point where I think marriage is our next step she does something to sabotage the relationship. Then she thinks better of it and apologizes and we make up and start over again..
It's a lot of drama when in my thinking she should just say that she's not ready for the next step. Maybe not with me anyway. I'm college educated, not bad to look at and I think I'm a pretty good catch so Im thinking I shouldn't have to sell myself to my own girlfriend, know what I mean? I should move on. But I can't shake this idea that she is the one I'm supposed to be with. Shouldn't I fight for that? This might be a little emo for dude-speak but it's how I feel and I knew you and BnB would share your opinion.
Lance, quit worrying about what's emo and what's dude-speak and let's get to the nitty and the gritty of this. First of all - I do believe that things happen for a reason. I also believe that things change. I totally feel you on this one. For years and years in the back of my mind I believed that I already knew who my one true soulmate was and as soon as both of us got our circumstances and lives aligned, we would be together forever. But every time we got back together and took a step in that direction, he would do some raggedy ass shiggity that blew us up to hell and back. I would be wounded, put myself back together, date other people all the the while still thinking one day that dude and I would get our happily ever after.
It literally took years to absorb that fact that you can get more than one soulmate and maybe someone you thought was your soulmate just fit the bill for a season. Not to disparage what it is that you and Lisa have but if you're in a "push me-pull me" cycle where you keep getting hurt and waiting for her to realize how awesome you are? You need to walk now. Do not (I repeat) do NOT waste precious years of your life waiting for someone you are not married to yet to discover their inner do-right. Naw son. Nor should you continue to cosign her ratchet. When she hurts you, she knows what she is doing and you deserve (hell we ALL deserve) better than that.
If you take nothing else from my blog ever, take this - life is too short to spend it wandering around "what if" land. I firmly believe (now) that if someone loves you, they want to do right by you. Period. If they cannot, you need to move on. Do not attempt to carry on a partnership by your damned self. Do not get so swept up in the mythical dream of a happily-ever-after with this one woman that you miss the reality of a together-forever-less-drama-life with someone else.
[Plays Shall We Gather at The River on the organ and passed offering plate] My brother, as we used to say back in the day, get to stepping. Single, professional, 30, in Charlotte? Holla back, I'll have you hooked up by next weekend. You can do better.
BnB, what say you? What's Lance's next move? Have you ever been caught up in that "meant-for-me" meme? How to let it go? Any single sisters in Charlotte looking for the hookup? I'm just saying... Thoughts, comments, insights? Do share...