Our last Ask a Bougie Chick letter for the week comes from Caleb way up in Anchorage, Alaska.
Hi Michele,Really enjoy the blog and the discussions in the comments are usually pretty lively. I'm writing in about my fiancé we've been engaged since New Year's eve and have been together for about three years before that. I'm thirty one and she's twenty-seven. I was deployed overseas but now I have a stateside assignment that will last for a few years.
We're going through a hard time right now because Kela, my fiancé, has been acting very jealous. I have never cheated, I'm not flirtatious with other women, I do everything I can to make her feel cherished and appreciated. I know she has had bad relationships before me so maybe she hasn't put all of that behind her.
When we are out together, she's very clingy and possessive. She does not like other women looking at me or talking to me, even if it's just casual. She sort of threatened the woman at the dry cleaners the other day because she thought she was being too friendly. And it's getting worse.
She drops by my work which is a problem based on the nature of my work. She calls and texts if I'm not straight home or if she thinks it's taking me too long to do run an errand or whatever. The other night I was watching a game with some of the guys and she showed up and walked through the guy's house like checking to see if there were woman there. She goes through my pockets and sniffs my clothes. At first it was kinda funny but now it's angering me.
Last week, I had to fly down to Seattle and when she Skyped me, she wanted me to walk through the hotel room with the ipad so she could she if anyone was there with me. It's driving me crazy. I promise you I've never given her any reason to be this way with me. She wasn't this bad until after I proposed when I got back stateside.
I tried talking to her about it and she said if I didn't have anything to hide there was nothing to worry about. I love her, I really do but I can't live like this - what should I do?-Caleb
First of all Caleb, thank you for your service to our country. Secondly, dude - you gotta put a foot down. She is straight CSI'ing your whereabouts and belongings and unless it's corrected it will only get worse. That's way out of bounds. I get it, she's been dogged or hurt or played before but you cannot carry the water for all them ragamuffins. She's been in a relationsip with you for three years, she should have laid those old bones to rest by now. If she can't accept that you're being true, you may have to press pause.
Trust me - I know of what I speak. There was one relationship where I had good cause to stay suspicious but when I caught myself with a program to read all of his incoming and outgoing text messages, I knew I needed to step away. That's no way to live. Living in a state of distrust, anger and resentment is no kind of foundation for a relationship.
You're at a point where either she trusts you or she doesn't and if she doesn't that's a problem. I hate to keep sending everybody to counseling but if she can't find a way to let of the past and look towards the future, she needs some help with it.
If this was a woman writing in about a man, I'd actually tell her to be careful because he was showing some serious stalker tendencies. Perhaps I shouldn't double-standard this own. Can one stalk and/or terrorize one's own fiancé? Definitely. If shre threatened someone last week, she may follow through on that threat next week. She's not there yet but you need to nip this in the bud before it turns ugly. Oh and you're going to have to tell somebody about it if it gets worse. I've seen too many situations where a woman flipped out and turned the whole thing around on the guy and his life was ruined. Good luck to you, tell us how it works out.
BougeLand - Any advice for Caleb? Been in his shoes before? What do you do when the green-eyed monster takes over your significant other? Thoughts, comments, insights?