I love this letter. I truly do. It's absolutely real. Today's Ask a Bougie Chick comes from Sarah, 36 of Seattle, Washington. She's married with one child and not so happy about it.
Hi OneChele,I found your blog through your book, Sweet Little Lies. Please tell me that Steven was based on someone real and you are in a steamy relationship with that living god right now! Please tell me that because I'm in hell. I thought I did it all the right way. I dated (and dated and dated) until I found what I thought was The One. Eighteen months later we married. Two years after that I had my son. My son is the joy of my life. My husband is the bane of my existence.
Before meeting him, I met jerk after jerk. I took a break and met Rick by accident outside of a football game. Really by accident, the girl I was with ran into the car of the guy he was with. It was not love at first sight. I thought he was a nice guy, funny with a great personality. Not drop dead gorgeous but good to look at, you know? Over time, the relationship developed and I married him if not head over heels in love, I was definitely enchanted and excited to become his wife.
Reality set in slowly. He's not that nice of a guy. Kind of selfish, overly attached to his mother and lacks backbone. He's a dude's dude. Would rather hang out with frat than help out around the house. He'll go to the grocery store and come back with beer and chips. No milk, no meat, do I have to go on? He doesn't help out with the child rearing to the point that the last time he went on a guys' weekend, it took my son a full day and a half to realize his father wasn't at home. It's like he's not here even when he is.
The sex is blah. His career has stalled. We have nothing to talk about. We co-exist. How did I get here and how do I get out?~Sarah
Whew Sarah... first - girl, sorry to say that Steven is an amalgamation of the best of a few men I've known. Far as I know, he does not exist - sorry to burst your bubble on that one. :-)
As for your question, I can only answer one part of that. I know EXACTLY how you got there. You were in the Post-Asshole Relationship Funk (yes, that's PARF). Also known as PURD (Post-UberTrifling Relationship Depression) This is the tired and weary place women find themselves after one asshole too many, one trifling dude over our trifling-limit has crossed our paths. Unfortunately, it's also where we're at our most vulnerable. After so much shiggity, someone with a hint of Febreze starts smelling right nice. You found out what the Febreze covered up too late. Condolences. As for the rest, I'll turn it over to Dr. Jayme:
Sarah, it's time to re-evaluate. Where you are, who you are and what you want next. Is Rick part of that equation and is he capable of giving you any of the things you believe you need to move forward to a healthy happy place? It's both very hard and very easy to hit the eject button and say you want out right now. I advise you instead to take a vacation (sans Rick) and get a little perspective. When you're not overwhelmed with the day to day grind, you can make some decisions. If you decide you want out, find me and we'll walk through the steps. Good luck! -JaymeC
BougieLand, thoughts? Comments? Insights? Show of hands if someone has been in that PARF/PURD struggle? Do share...