The ITOFTS Chronicles: Really doe?

So very sorry fellas but the stigma is real. If a woman is unmarried over 40, there's a "well, it's hard out here for the professional sisters" cloak that can be pulled out and used if needed. If a man is unmarried over 40, we are wondering "what the hell happened here"? It's one of the few, rare generalities about gender and relationships that tip in a woman's favor and we're holding onto it. The assumption is made that a man has many, many opportunities to cleave unto a wife while a woman (who traditionally does not do the asking) must wait (and wait and wait) for the right man to come along at the right time and bestow the bequeathing and whatnot.

Generalizations kinda suck. But let me tell you why it's relevant here.

I've been doing the Church-A-Palooza, visiting a variety of churches, trying them on for size to see which one will be a fit. I find the older I get, the less tolerance I have for shenanigans (both in my dating and churchification). One mid-sized church in the Northwest quadrant of Dallas County seemed okay. My first visit was a midweek bible study. Started on time, had a lesson plan, correlated a message to bible verses, opened it up for discussion, wrapped with a prayer. Perfection.

I tried the Saturday afternoon service next. I must have missed the memo that the Saturday afternoon service was for the Grown 'n Sexy set. Folks rolled up in there dressed like it was Two for One Happy Hour with a DJ spinning Lil Jon remixes. Date night at the cross, ya'll. Between the offering and the sermon, they had something on the program called "Christian Conversations" - this was basically a free-for-all wherein folks got up and rolled up on other folks to ask their single status, yearly income, and Christly inclinations. Really doe? I attempted to sidewind towards the back exit when I was stopped by a good looking gentleman. He introduced himself as Lionel. And spelled it for me... just in case I cared. Pronounced it Ly-Nell, heavy on the Nell. (Yes, this is me rolling my eyes)

LyNell wanted to let me know he was a good Christian man, 47 years of age and God had not sent him his special angel as yet. I wasn't taking the bait. I smiled, said I was Michele, it was nice to met him and kept inching towards the exit. "May-be I was mea-nt to wait for you, Mash-Ell." Umph. Yes, he added syllables were none were needed in every word. Really doe?

I hit him with the double blink before two women who knew LyNell rather well rolled up on him to see why he hadn't called them back last week. The organ sounded (meaning I wasn't quick enough to escape) and the preacher stepped up to deliver his sermon. He spoke about the struggles of the single woman and how she often allowed sinfulness to overrule her better judgment. God withheld the blessing of marriage from the wicked, he continued. Really doe?

The best thing about that sermon is that it was short. Immediately following the benediction, I broke for freedom. LyNell was hot on my tail. "Baby girl, don't chu ru-un away from me-e. I could be your future!"

Say it with me, now - Really doe?

I had the keys out when LyNell reached for my shoulder, "I'm really a great guy. Come out for drinks with me tonight. I'll even buy. Get to know me."

Me, pulling out the oldest trick in the book, "I'm seeing somebody, but thanks for the offer."

"You aren't seeing anybody like me!"

I couldn't help it, I snorted. "Now that's the God's honest truth."

It appears that LyNell detected the sarcasm and didn't appreciate it. His eyes narrowed as he hissed at me, "You don't know what you're missing out on. B*tch, I'm a catch!"

"No doubt. You be blessed." In car, out of lot. Done.

BougieLand ~ I'm too old for this shiggity. I really, really am.

Thoughts, comments, insights? Donations for LyNell to hie thee to Dr. Phil's couch? Do share...