Now ya'll know I love the fellas. Love, love, love them. Even when their Y chromosome cause their brains to stutter and fizzle on and off like a drowned firecracker on the 5th of July, I still have love for the fellas. You can always count on a man to bring in a perspective that perhaps women have not thought of in that exact same way. Good, bad or ugly. But you can also always count on men to get together and cook something up that women would never in a million years do. Bless their hearts.
Let me start with backstory for those who are regulars. I was dating a guy named David. He has about 5 or 6 close friends (all of them from UGa - Shawn, Trey, Bryan, Wes and Jay) that he still hangs out with. We dated for about 18 months, recently split for a variety of reasons and now you're all caught up. I've written this post four times now. The first time, it sounded like a scene from one of my books. The second time, it was just angry. The third was too much commentary. This one is what it was:
I was at the new Bouge Mahal late last night chilling. When you go back to living alone after years of roommateiness, you appreciate the beauty of chill time. I can sit on the sofa in shorts that are three sizes too big, a sports bra of indeterminate color and a ripped Cowboys t-shirt older than any of us care to think about. I can wash my hair and let it air dry because I don't have to be anywhere special the next day. Who cared if my hair was a wavy poufy mane of fail? I can sit there with only one dim lamp on sipping one of my homemade wine cocktails and doing absolutely nothing else. It was a heavenly moment.
The heavenly moment was rudely interrupted by frantic knocking at the front door. This was startling since as far as I knew, only about four people in the world have my new address and only one of them (BougieYoungerBro) would show up at this time of night. And he would call/text first. With a sigh, I got up and looked through the peephole. It was Shawn.
Really Shawn? Because again, no one has my address and if they do - it's not an apartment you stumble across and lastly, who comes by without calling at 11:00pm on a Monday night? Assuming some sort of tragedy has befallen one of the Georgia Boyz crew, I opened the door. Shawn, who is never without words, stood there silently looking at me.
"What is it, Shawn? Is everyone okay?"
"Oh, yeah. Yeah. Everyone's real good. You look well."
No. I did not. But whatever. "How'd you get my address?"
"I have an ex who works at AT&T, she pulled up your U-verse bill." Security FAIL, AT&T. Security FAIL!!
I stepped to the side and invited him in. He took one cautious step inside the door, "Are you alone?"
"You would know if you'd called first. I'm alone. What is going on?"
He walked around (cased the joint) before coming back into the living room. "I like it."
"Awesome. I live for your approval. You have five minutes to explain this visit and then you can bounce." Understand my confusion: Shawn and I are friends but not drop-by-each-other's-house-after-dark-without-calling-first friends.
He sat down on the couch next to me. "Listen, don't get mad..."
Don't people know that when they start a conversation like that, it automatically makes you mad? I heaved a sigh, "Oooo-kay."
"David and I talked."
"Something you do regularly."
"Woman, can a brother get his words together?"
Biting my tongue, I motioned for him to carry on.
"David and I talked and you should be with somebody."
I blinked slowly. "I see." I didn't see. Not at all.
"You should be with someone good. You know a real dude. Not some random that you have to start over from scratch and figure everything out with. Someone who will be good to you. Let's you be you but brings himself to the table too. Know what I'm saying?"
I nodded with mounting irritation, "You and David for some reason were talking about my next man? You think I need to be with someone real. Someone you two endorse? Approve of? That can't be what you're saying."
"David wants the best for you and if it can't be him than it should be someone of that caliber."
Uh. Huh. "And you just happen to know someone perfect and oh, by the way, David is cool with me seeing them? Who might this be?"
He shrugged and smiled, "Uh. Me."
I kid you not, I fell off the sofa. "You?! Are you kidding me? Mr. 'She Ain't Giving Up the Booty Fast Enough'? Mr. 'She Should Recognize She's Lucky to Be With Me'? Mr. 'My Way or The Highway'? What?!! Of the ten things I would change about David, you have 9 of those traits ratcheted up to the nth power." I stood up and went ballistic, "And what the hell am I? A plate of cookies to be passed around? Are you all smoking crack at poker night now? Who came up with this idea and are you seriously here saying this right now? To me?"
"So... you're just mad right now but you'll think about it or the whole concept of you and me is a no go?"
"Wait a minute? David signed off on this? Really?"
"Okay, here's what happened..."
"We were talking about the not dating each other's exes rule and Jay said it was a shame because between us there were some quality exes on the shelf."
"ON THE SHELF?!" Yes, I shrieked.
"Uh - he didn't mean it like that. Anyway. So then we started discussing whose exes the others of us wouldn't mind dating and your name came up. David said if he had to see you with someone else, it might as well be one of us."
Wow. Magnanimous. Did he think that was a compliment? Cuz it wasn't - isn't. I was actually insulted as all hell that they sat around discussing my dateability like it was up for auction. Well hell, maybe it was. "Did ya'll draw straws, roll dice, Rock/Paper/Scissors to see who got next? Were bids involved? How close did I come to have Trey at the door instead of you?"
Finally, Shawn started to realize that his visit was not well-received and he was in danger of getting a satin-slippered foot raised near his hindparts. "I swear it wasn't like that. We spoke about you with the highest respect. And you know I have no problems finding women of my own to date but I think you and I could be interesting together. I brought up the topic and launched the conversation because this is my interest. Mine and I didn't want to be sneaky or creepy about it." He took two steps forward and I took three back. "Will you just think about it? It makes perfect sense. We have great chemistry. We have similar backgrounds, goals, future plans. We like a lot of the same things. We're both easy on the eyes. I already know you're an outstanding girlfriend. Who knows what this could be? At the very least, we'll have some fun together."
Sweet Jesus deliver me from male thinking. Dude has no problem getting women so I should be honored he was over here round midnight hollering? And that my EX was okay with it? And while I may be an outstanding girlfriend, Shawn has never shown himself to be that stellar a boyfriend. At the very least, we'd have SOME FUN together?! Anyway why was I even running through the pro/cons in my mind. I like Shawn but not like that. And I don't keep fishing in the same small pond after throwing one back. Nope. I answered, "Yeah, no. Thanks for coming by. Tell everyone I said hey."
Shawn nodded, "Think on it. Seriously. I'll call you tomorrow. You owe it to yourself and to me to give it some consideration. And when you blog about it, be sure to mention that everyone has your best interests at heart." I may have slammed the door before his left foot was completely outside.
BougieLand - am I crazy to be super ticked off? I can't be the only one to think this is messy, messy, messy and did I say messy? Fellas, would you EVER do this? Ladies, what would you say to Shawn and to David? Shawn and David - Really DUDES? Thoughts, comments, explanations?