Dear White Male Repubs, Say What Now?! Yours Truly, Magical Sperm-Repelling Uterus Carriers

I know, I know - it's just not fair, Joe Biden can get up and talk about folks being put "back in chains" and we shrug. "Oh that crazy-assed Joe, he didn't mean anything by it." William Jefferson Clinton can sling his presidential penis every which way but loose and we just wag a finger. "That Clinton is one scandalous sumbitch. But so damn likable!" Obama can soft pedal minority initiatives that we clamor for him to front burner and we sigh once or twice. "At least the brother is trying."

But White Male Republicans (WMRs) gets NO love from the community. Not the Black community and not the majority of women of voting age. Why? Because we don't trust them. We don't. We've had a front row seat to their long-standing effort to dial our (women and minorities) progress back to the Dark Ages and we wants none of it. Bush 1, Bush 2, Reagan - in my lifetime these have not been kindler, gentler Republicans. And lately they appear to care less and less about me and people that look like me. 

Even so, I find myself a little nervous about the upcoming election. You know after G-Dub straight jacked the country from Gore and posted up for eight years, I have to hold my breath at election time. Apparently anyone with a decent lawyer, a governor in his pocket and a wad of cash can flip an entire state's worth of electoral votes and declare themselves the winner of a Presidential race. So no matter how the popular vote goes (and let's face it, Mitt and RyRy aren't so very popular right now); this whole game could be changed up.

But God Bless the GOP. They keep finding ways to alienate entire swaths of folks in one fell swoop. It was bad enough that Rep. Todd Akin opened his mouth to declare than in cases of "legitimate rape" women's bodies had a mechanism to prevent pregnancy. [More on that in a second] But his own party can't get him and others that agree with him to STFU and GTFOH. What's that about? Dems that step knee deep in shiznit round election time (see Andrew Weiner for reference) get the hook off the national stage with much immediacy. The WMRs are arrogant with theirs. So what if he pissed of an entire sex, he gonna run dammit!

Where did these guys take SexEd? What magically sperm-repelling uteri are these and where oh where can I trade mine in for one? Believe me, if women had a way to choose which sperm made babies and which got the eject button? Woo, boy! Whole different ballgame. Prepping for the cocoa stir would take on new levels of anxiety. Let's see, do I reject or accept the sperm this evening? "Sweetie, before we do this? Imma need to see your test results, last three tax returns and the genetic code of your family for the last three generations." 

I really tried to figure out what exactly a "legitimate" rape is and I can not twist my mind around it. Perhaps I misunderstand the definition of the word rape. What the hell would legitimize it? And while Mittens and Ryan attempt to distance themselves from Akin's sinking ship, we have to look at a bill that Ryan sponsored seeking to redefine rape and only allowing abortions in cases of "forcible" rape. Isn't all rape forcible? Does a woman seriously need to prove intent in this day and age? When you are putting words in front of "rape" they should be "don't" or "convicted of" or "heinous act of" or "statutory" - don't try and get all fancy with rape. It's brutal, it's ugly, it's simple - don't jazz it up. No means no. Rape is rape. Leave it alone.

The bigger question here is who exactly are these conservative WMRs appealing to? Okay you've got some rich asses, some right wingers, some Tea Partiers, some rednecks and some old-school Klan but aren't you pissing off their wives and girlfriends right bout now? Has the Republican Party decided to run on a ticket of "Well We Ain't Bout Shit But At Least We're Not That Black Muslim Obama"? Is that what it's come down to?

I also wonder - who are the handlers on the Republican side of the aisle? Don't they have access to the same talent as the Dems? Is no one controlling the national message? Education, defense, healthcare, jobs, national security - are they for it, against it or for it if it's done their way (which is how exactly)? Color me confused. The Republican message is convoluted and messy right now. I'm missing the main idea, and I've actually been trying to listen. I couldn't tell you even with a cheat sheet what they stand for. Tax dodges? Private islands? P90X? Tanning Spray? Besides saying no to any and everything Obama sets in front of them, I don't know what they're about. And that scares me tremendously.

Therefore I'd like to respectfully request that they speak plain. I need them to spell it out. Oh, don't get it twisted... I'm not voting for WMRs on the state or federal level. Not sure about locally, I have to check out the tickets. But I feel like I should have a better idea of what you're working with, what you're striving for, what you're trying to do besides protect your money, control my magic uterus and send me back to Africa. By the way, I'm of Caribbean descent so if ish go bad in November, may I request extradition to Barbados or Trinidad? I'm just saying...

BougieLand, help me out. What the hell are the Republicans talking about? What's the master plan? What drugs is Akin taking? What were your thoughts about the redefining of rape and how it was handled in the media? Is Paul Ryan a good addition to the Romney candidacy? Are we all so fatigued by this campaign that we wish it was November 7th already? Thoughts, comments, questions...