Bougie Bachelorette Chronicles - Episode 13: Well you see, Officer

It's just fitting that this is the 13th Bougie Bachelorette Chronicle because this whole situation was just bad luck all the way around. 

What had happened was...I had a crazy grueling day. This little consulting gig has me slaving like Kunte, Kizzy and Chicken George. Yes, I'm doing the work of three runaway slaves right about now. This was the kind of day where I put a conditioning mask on my hair at 11:00 am and didn't rinse it out until 10:00 pm. Can you say extra fluffy? Anywho, my plan was to wrap a towel around my head and lay under the ceiling fan with a cocktail until I drifted into never never land.

Someone, I'm not naming names, decided that Adult Quality Time (AQT) was necessary and urgent. Seems like his entire family has decided to descend on the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex for the holiday weekend. That's just like meeting up in Napa for the weekend, right? O__o

Fine. I threw on some yoga pants, a sports bra, a tank top and sparkly flip flops. The hair was still damp and hadn't decided whether it wanted to be curly, frizzy or straight. Because my mother drilled it into me, I did stop and put on lipstick and earrings (a real lady never leaves the house without them apparently - bouge rules, I don't know). I was half fancy and half ratchet. Don't hate me for my glamorous life. 

On the way there he called and asked me to stop at Walgreen's for a few things. I'll let you imagine what was so urgent that I had to stop at the 24-hour drugstore and shop on my way to his house. I was literally two miles from his house when my cell phone rang, a friend of mine from back in the day who lives overseas and is back in the States for a few days only. So I was chatting and not paying attention when I saw something flitting around in the backseat. The Hell?

Now if you've been around BougieLand and Twitter for a minute, you know I hate bugs with a passion bordering on pathological. (Shout out to @DallasProgress who helped me with a cricket struggle a while back)   Back to the critter at hand... I didn't know what the hell kind of flying, clicking insect it was except to describe it as big, black and hyper. So I shrieked when it looked like it was going to jump on me. I flung the cell phone to the ground and swerved over to the side of the road where I jumped out of the car and ran around flinging all the doors open. 

I opened the trunk where I had some Febreze and commenced to spraying down the interior of my car with the savvy plan of drowning the beast. Well, now the insect was just plain mad and a little high on Hawaiian Aloha Febreze. It was just flying around in angry circles never approaching an exit. I took off a flip flop and tried to hit it... and that's when the flashing lights pulled up behind me. 

Two of Allen's finest climb out of the car not even bothering to hide their laughter. Apparently they had been watching me for a while. I mean, they were doubled over, roaring with laughter at my expense. I wanted to be mad but I had to keep an eye on the critter to make sure he left.

"Ma'am, you do realize that by having all your doors open and a car smelling like mangoes you are actually attracting more insects?"

I started slamming doors. One of the cops reached into the car, cupped the insect and set it free while the other stopped beside me. He took the Febreze out of my hand, "Michele, how are you doing?" I looked up.

Dammit - are there NO other officers in all of freakin' Allen, Texas? No? I have to keep running into the one cop (nicknamed Sergeant McHottie) that I went to high school and college with? If you missed the whole Sergeant McHottie tale, feel free to catch up.

"I'm just... peachy. How have you been?"

"Good, good. You did something different with your hair."

Damn. Damn. Damn. "Uh, you could say that."

"You still have a bug thing?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Eleventh grade, study hall - two wasps fly in from the window and you ran screaming into the hallway?"

Quintuple damn. "Of all the things to remember." 

He walked over to the car, looked at the spilled contents of the Walgreen's bag and looked back at me. "Are you still seeing that guy?"

Shoot me, someone. Anyone. "No."


"No. Different guy."

"Hmm. Well, let's wipe down your seats and get you on your way."

"Thanks!" By now, my cell phone was blowing up. The friend was worried that I'd been killed on the side of the road, 3N wondered where I got lost. I grabbed the Walgreen's stuff, shoved it all in my purse and stepped back while they dried off my car seats.. and ceiling... and gear shift... and windows. 

"We have to met up under better circumstances." He laughed and gave me his card (again). "Don't be a stranger."

I climbed in the car and drove the rest of the way to 3N's house with a police car tailing me. 3N was standing out on the front patio when I pulled up. I climbed out and waved as they flashed their lights and drove past. 3N shook his head. "Do I even want to know?"

"Shut it." I stalked past him with my head held high. Then I told him the tale and he literally fell off the couch laughing. Boo.

Here endeth another utterly ridiculous event in my life. I can't be the only one that stuff like this happens to. I mean, c'mon - you all would have pulled over to get rid of the bug, right? We've all made a late night stop at the drugstore, right? We've all been pulled over by the police, right? We've all run into people we know from back in the day, right? It was the conflagration of coinciding events though.... whatever. Someone have a story, a thought, a comment to share?