A few years back, I was doing some youth mentoring over to the church house. One of my young mentees called me recently a-weepin' and a-wailin' over the sudden and immediate loss of her boo thang. She was so distraught that for a moment, I thought perhaps he had died. Turns out he's still alive and well... just pretending she no longer exists. After piddling around with the story, it comes out that they had a fight. Some things got said and in the heat of the moment she snapped out, "Stuart would never have said that to me." Stuart being the ex-boyfriend. No bueno. One of my exes used to call this "bringing up old d**k" - it's highly frowned upon.
Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation or an argument when someone takes it one step too far? Someone drops a comment that might be forgiven but will live on in infamy. I'm not proud of the fact that I've used my tongue and wits as a combined weapon of mass destruction. Hopefully, I've learned something along the way. But in the past, I have definitely lobbed some conversational bombs that wiped out months of good will and pleasantries. My only excuse was that I only did it when I was severely provoked and I've already warned the person that I'm about to go nuclear. Which is no excuse at all really... Le Bougie Shrug, I'm flawed. .
Sometimes you want to be heard. Words are like weapons. If you think your gentle jabs of conversational thrust and parry aren't getting through, you switch to knives, if the knife thrust isn't deep enough, out come the .22 bullets, then the big guns and so it goes until you've gone full Seal Team Six on somebody who didn't want to hear it in the first place. Oh, is that just me?
Let me be real, I'm not proud of it but I have probably nuked more "coulda-been-somethings" relationships in my time than we need recount. The least I can do is let ya'll learn from my
epic failures experiences in the following "Relationship What Not To Do" (RWNTD) list. You ready? Take a deep breath, it's going to get a bit rank...
1. Just be a man about it! - What's bad is that we weren't even in an argument. I was frustrated and upset that things weren't going the way I wanted them to go and I wanted him to own the issue. Instead of politely saying, "So tell me how you feel about that?" I said the other thing. The minute I said it, I wished it back. [That never works] The man was the color of dark chocolate and turned damn near white. Don't challenge a man's manhood. I don't care if he's dressed like the Tooth Fairy swinging from a rainbow. Just don't do it. Find another way to make the point that you wish he would take control of the situation without the verbal neutering. How in the heck we moved past that one, I don't recall. I know I apologized. I know I cried. I'm sure I did a few other things to reassure him of how very manly I thought he was. Moving on... just don't ever say it.
2. You don't own me! Oh Michele. He knew that. He really did. But what you did right there was 1)Piss him off and 2)Make him want to prove that he does own some part of you. Never turns out well. If your man has any kind of spine (and mine always do); these words are the equivalent of pulling on your tap shoes and telling Sandman Simms "Challenge!" [It's a Cosby Show reference, what can I say - I'm Bougie!] Anywho, just take my word on this one.
3. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard - Well, it wasn't the stupidest thing I ever heard, I just didn't agree with what he was saying and didn't want to talk about it anymore. He kept talking about it even after I asked him to move on... four times. Plus he had that whole smirky "we'll talk about what I want to talk about" grin on his face. So I snapped. Newsflash - no one likes to be called stupid. Remove the word from your vocabulary whilst talking directly to a person. Situations can be called stupid, inanimate objects can be called stupid, people.... not so much. Unless they are Republican and running for President, then you can say what you want.
4. & 5. I wish I'd never met you and I don't think I ever really loved you. Known as the one-two punch, the double tap, the alpha and omega of Get Out of Relationship Free phraseology. You pull this one out when you literally hope to never see or speak to this person again. When all you feel is hurt and you want them to feel it too - this is your go to language. But even if it's true (and it rarely is), you aren't helping any damn body by saying it. Quite frankly it's just mean and more than a little spiteful. Months afterward, I still got the snarky "Still wish you'd never met me?" Le Sigh.
I can't be the only one whose mouth gets her into hot water from time to time? I feel fairly certain BougieLand has a few out there to share. Thoughts, comments, insights? Let's hear your best: BnB's What Not To Say... The floor is yours.