Five things NOT to do on your first day of work (or ever!)

So many of you know that I've sacrificed my personal "I work for me and only me" pledge to participate in a program to get unemployed folks back to work. Yesterday, we had our first day of training. Half of the group is A+, the other half... well, bless their hearts. As I sat on a cheap uncomfortable plastic chair for seven hours, I witnessed more straight ratchet workplace behavior than I thought possible. It got me to thinking, do people really just not know how to act in the workplace?? Just in case folks need a reminder, here are five things NOT to do on your first day of work (really... ever!).

1) Show up 30 minutes late. I wish I was joking. Dude sauntered in 30 minutes late, no coffee, no pastries, no explanations, no apologies and asked, "What time were we supposed be here?" No. Sir. Just all parts of hellnoness. When he excused himself to go to the restroom and didn't come back for 45 minutes, he was excused from the party. This is a government contract, they don't play like dat.

2) B!tch and complain about your assignment. Grown Azz Woman comes in and within fifteen minutes starts asking each person which role they've been hired for. Apparently the answer was not to her liking because her mood took a nose dive. Then we were told which offices we were assigned to. Is it my fault that I knew enough to request an office that is 2.8 miles from my house? She didn't and upon hearing the role and office she was assigned, she commenced to mutter snippishly under her breath. At the first sign of our HR rep, she stalked and cornered her. After an angry exchange Grown Azz Woman comes back to the training room, snatches her purse and disappears into the hot Texas afternoon... never to be seen again.

3) Fall asleep at the conference room table. Yo girlie, it's a round table... we can see you. And now you're drooling on said table... that's nasty ma'am. After she was kicked under the table for the second time, she started mainlining coffee. And then she had to get up and pee every thirty minutes. Way to make a first impression with the State Director in the room. 

4) Answer your cell phone in the middle of training. Yup. Trainer was up there getting his little teach on, cell phone vibrates loudly on the table and she picks it up. "Hey! Can I call you back?" No Ma'am. The entire room swiveled their heads to gape at her. Really?! She tried to clean it up by saying it was her realtor, she's selling her house and she had to take the call. Sweetie, that's what text messaging and voicemail are for. Step out of the room and handle your business.

5. Overshare your personal tales of woe. One dude felt the need to add something flavorful to every comment  he made. So much flavor that I know he's been married twice, grew up in Buffalo, has been laid off three times in ten years and has an unhealthy obsession with thai noodles (you don't want to know). At one point, his diarrhea of the mouth ran on so long, the trainer cut him off and sent us all out for a fifteen minute break. Don't you know when we came back, he launched into a story about how his dream house was in foreclosure... no it had no relevance to the conversation at large. Maintain some mystery, sir... we are of the not giving a damn variety.

What say you, BougieLand? Am I just too used to my own company? Is it me or are these terrible breaches of first day protocol? What's wrong with folks?