In this episode of Ask a Bougie Chick, we have a heartfelt letter from a 23-year old young lady. She just graduated from college in December. She met a handsome graduate student about eight months ago. They are having some issues... take a look:
I'm not the type to ask for advice or have people all up in my business. But when I told a few people close to me about my situation, I felt like they gave me answers based on their experiences instead of what's best for me. Having read your blog for over a year now, I know that your readers offer their opinions straight up which is what I think I need.
My mom is a single mom who has dated alot in my lifetime but never married. I wouldn't call it a steady stream of rotating men because that sounds disrespectful but then again, I guess that's what I just called it, huh?
I have never wanted to be like that. I want long-term stability in every area of my life. One thing I do appreciate about my upbringing is that my mom made sure we were exposed to the church. I loved (and still) love going to church and growing in my Christian faith.
Also, I just finished a degree in business administration and am gearing up to go to law school next fall. I want to eventually became an international attorney. Last September, I met a guy who is in the MBA program here. We fell into instant like.
Two major problems - 1) I don't want to stir the cocoa until I get married or feel I'm the path to that level of commitment. 2) He won't go (refuses to go) to church with me and isn't a very religious person. Actually, he doesn't believe that God truly exists.
Lately he has started putting pressure on me about the cocoa. He says that Christian or no, a 23-year old woman is a grown up and grown ups in grown up relationships have relations. He said I shouldn't be "saving it for Christ." I know it makes me weird that I'm hesitant to dive in.
But I'm not even as upset about the cocoa as I am about the Christianity. I mean if this is a man that I want take seriously and have "grown up relations" with, I need him to be a faith-based man. That's just not negotiable in my book.
What do you think? Should I just walk away? Should I try harder? Should I give in? I just don't know. People around me are saying he's a good man and I should give him what he wants before he leaves me and that there's plenty of time for him to find God. I'm confused.
Whatever help you can give, I'd really appreciate. Thanks and I love your books!-Sheryl
Sorry sweetie, I don't like your man based on what you've told me in this letter. "You shouldn't be saving it for Christ" is real shady and borderline blasphemous, keep an eye out for thunderbolts. Joking. In all seriousness though - let's look at the cocoa question right quick.
If you're not ready, you're not ready. If you want to wait, you should wait. These decisions are yours and yours alone. Many a Christian woman (show of hands, please) have started off saving themselves and then, well, you know: Life happened. But as far as breaking that covenant you made, it's between you and Jesus not you and some dude. Don't let "some dude" pressure you into doing what you don't want to do. Believe me, if you really (really, really) wanted to - you would do it and pray for forgiveness later. It's the single Christian woman's constant dilemma.
As for the Christianity itself. I'm going to step back from the religious part for a second and say this - a man who wants to be with you will respect your beliefs and interests. The unwillingness to go to church knowing how important it is to you is a red flag. IMHO.
Now back to Jesus - I grew up in a Christian household and I fall off the path on the regular (amen and amen) but I couldn't seriously consider a lifemate who couldn't tip up in the church house with me. That's me. I need a man to have a religious foundation and a hunger for Christian knowledge because life. is. hard. Sometimes there are no other places to turn, no other answers to get than from Christ. Again - this is me. My path. My ideology. My rules. Sing it with me - You gotta know G-O-D if you wanna be with me.
I'm not telling you kick him to the curb and move on; but you are clearly a smart and determined girl. Apply some of that same analytical thinking to this situation. And discuss it with him, see if there's a possibility for compromise. [Do NOT use "if you come to church, I'll give you cocoa" - Don't barter the coochie for Christ.] Ultimately, the ball is completely in your court. What will and won't you do? What does your heart, mind, body and spirit say? Let us know how it goes.
BougieLand, whatcha got for Sheryl? Please share your thoughts, insights, experiences and opinions? And if you were in Sheryl's shoes... what would you do? Fellas - if Sheryl was your little sister, what would you tell her? The floor is yours...