The Top Six Things NOT to do in your online dating profile

We've talked about unfortunate photo selection for your online dating profile, now let's discuss that "About Me" section. Just like the picture, the About Me (or personal profile) section is your introduction to your potential S.O. What you write in that section is the equivalent of walking up to somebody and either whispering "Psst, psst, hey baby" or saying something intriguing that makes them want to know more about you. [For the record, "psst, psst" is NEVER a good idea] Think of this as your SuperBowl Ad. You have one chance to make a lasting impression on a huge audience. What do you want your ad to say?

I get it, it's not easy to talk about yourself. And it's especially not easy to walk that delicate tightrope of making yourself sound interesting without revealing too much of yourself. You want the reader to get to know you without really getting to know you. A lot of services now give you tips and hints on how to present yourself in the best light in two paragraphs or less. They have you answer random things about your favorite food, your hobbies, the place you want to visit most in the world. And while those are sort of but not really interesting, they rarely get to the heart of what makes you you

It's nice to know that you like walking dark alleys in the rain and camping in Yosemite. But that only tells me that if we get together, I'll have to plan our leisure activities. The profile is meant to catch attention, capture imagination and keep them. Here's what NOT to do:

1) Open with "I don't really like to talk about myself" - **crickets** C'mon now! You knew when you signed up to this website that you were going to have to talk about your darn self. Saying that you hate to do it is a gigantic waste of time and a cop out. But not as much as...

2) Writing "call or email me if you want to know more" - What part of the game is that? What if I want to know more BEFORE investing in an email or a phone call? That's the whole miraculous purpose of online dating - it allows you to build in a pre-pre-screen. 

3) Unrealistic shiggity - Here's a direct quote "Men love me and I love them back. I'm only on here to narrow the field and meet my ultimate prince. I cook every day, bring home my paycheck, keep the house clean and treat my man like the King that he is. I'm a lady in the living room and porn star in the bedroom. I'll be the best thing that ever happened to you." No ma'am -  your online profile is already the sub-plot of 214 Lifetime movies. Don't make promises you cannot humanly keep. And what's that I smell? Eau d' Thirsty. Stop. It.

4) An English Teacher's nightmare - I cut and paste the following for you: "hEY, thurr, Miz Ladies! I AM a mean whom knows waht he wants in a women. ans I will b vurry vurry gode to who end up wit me." Hell. No. Even if you are foreign and don't understand the basic grammatical principles of the English language... there's an app for that - we call it GOOGLE! Type in your native tongue and have Google Translate tell you what's up. NOW if your native tongue is Ghetto Ebonics - get thee off these here innanets and go to a Reading is Fundamental Class. You are NOT ready for primetime. Is that harsh? Pookie should be allowed to post a profile? Fine, Pook - have your smarter cuz Ray-Nay post on your behalf. But people please acquaint thyself the following English basics:
a. Text talk is not appropriate for getting to know you time. I ND A GRL 2 B HOT 4 ME is unacceptable on a myriad of levels
b. Conversate is NOT a word
c. Where and wear are not the same word
d. Spell check is your friend
5. TMI - Your profile should be a brief enticing snapshot of you, not a docudrama. Please don't share what happened on your last five dates, your past relationship, your last two marriages, or last night's hook-up in your profile. We didn't ask for all that. And while you are describing yourself, keep it light-hearted and PG-13. It's so unnecessary to describe your cocoa prowess at this stage of the game. And by the way, the rule on that is - If you have to talk about it, you probably are overcompensating. Don't talk... just do.

6. The "List" - Every fifth profile I've looked at has someone going ALL THE WAY in on what they don't want in their future S.O. From height, weight, skintone, race, profession, salary and on and on - I have seen people list up to twenty things they will not accept. I list three: 1) Smokers, 2) Overly Opinionated Pompous Fake People, and 3) Fans of Sarah Palin (with the understanding that #2 and #3 are often the same issue). That's plenty. By listing an entire set of dealbreakers and knock outs, you are narrowing the field of people who will approach you. And you're making yourself look very, very high maintenance. Literally, I saw one gent write out 30 lines starting with IF YOU ARE _______, YOU ARE NOT FOR ME. Well, alrighty then. NEXT!

BougieLand, agree or disagree? Have some to add to the list? Care to elaborate? The floor is yours...