Today's post comes from FBM (FreeBlackMan) who as he says "escaped" his marriage less than a year ago. He has a unique perspective on marraige that I thought was worth a share. Show him some love:
(Shout out to OneChele who took my rantings and turned them into this post)
Truth - I stumbled out of my six year marriage like a wounded one-foot Kunte Kinte breaking for the Freedom Trail. That ish was indentured servitude. I'm still struggling with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). My whole marriage was trauma.
I met old girl in my junior year of college. She was highly sought after on campus. Not gonna lie, all I knew about her was that she was pre-law, member of a sorority that wears red, and had the bangingest body I'd seen in a while. I approached her, she seemed uninterested. I started dating her line sister and wouldn't you know, that piqued her interest. She chased me down like a lioness pouncing on a gazelle near the Serengeti watering hole. I went down hard.
What can I say? She was hot, ambitious, adoring, "spoke so well", very demanding of me and herself. Neither of us was particularly religious though we both believe in a higher power. I thought we loved each other. And did I mention she was hot? My non-knowing azz thought that was reason enough to seal the deal. I always planned to get married after college. In my mind that was time enough to sow the oats, see the field, pick one and lock it down. Yes. I know NOW I did it all wrong.
It never occurred to me that I was going to have to share my entire life and give up things I didn't want to give up just to call someone my wife. It never occurred to me that a woman being driven could quickly turn into controlling with a ring on the finger. I didn't know that a person without an organized religion can also be a person without a moral base. And I clearly didn't know what love was supposed to be all about.
I'm not blameless. I was hella immature. I thought marriage meant having a 24/7 sex partner, a chef, a housekeeper and someone to split the bills. I really didn't think much further than that. Someone should have pulled me to the side and wised me up (in other words, I could have used this series six years ago). When the going got tough, I shut down. And neither of us cared enough to repair the ever growing rift. Then came the frustration. Then we got mean. And then we started flagrantly cheating, I don't know who cheated first. It probably doesn't matter at this point. And then it was just ugly.
She was mad I didn't live up to her dream and I was mad she was still in my reality. I had nothing to prep me for living in the bowels of hell so I just hung out there for awhile cursing life. Until one day I realized - I don't have to live like this. After opening the window and screaming, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" I bounced.
My mother always used to say to (scream at) me - You're so hardheaded, why do you have to learn everything the hard way? Deep masculine sigh... I don't know.
I'm not anti-marriage. I may not even be anti-marriage for me. But I'm not sure I'll get married again. Sometimes ish falls apart. For me, it's easier to get out of if I don't have to involve lawyers and the court system. But that's just me. The planets gotta align and I have to know and trust that woman better than I know and trust my mama (and that's saying something). I need a woman without a Cinderella Disney-azz complex. I have to see no signs of potential crazy. I have had the windows busted out of my car... I don't care to repeat the experience.
Long story short - good luck to the single folks trying to make it happen. Hats off to the married folk making it work. Fist bump to the almost, nearly and newly divorced who are intimately aware of that "bowels of hell" feeling. And yes, I'm working on being less bitter. You should have heard me six months ago. At least now I can say - Let my story me be a lesson to you...
Well now BnB, what do you think of this particular After the Broom perspective? Any other BnB divorce stories to share? What did you learn from FBM's story? And he wanted me to ask you all to guess (or list) where he went wrong from jump. He wants to compare your list with his. It's like group therapy this week on BnB. Join the session...