Bougie Bachelorette Chronicles - Episode 5: Whacktastic!

(Shout out to Corey P, @SpkTruth2Pwr, for gifting me with the "Whacktastic" phrase. Loving it.)

Question: What's worse than a house party of thirty- & forty-somethings trying to relive their twenties?

Answer: A house party of thirty- & forty-somethings trying to relive their twenties with an unlimited supply of hard liquor.

A male friend of mine has asked me every month for the last three months to come to his "Friday Night Throwback Jam" party. I've been resistant but finally found myself out of plausible excuses.

The first hour wasn't bad. Mixing, mingling, a little Babyface, a little Beyonce. Cool. Then somebody put on Bell Biv Devoe's Do Me. The beat still goes hard, I'll give them that. But ur uh, shout out to the dude who skipped into the middle of the dance floor dry humping the air with his drink held over his head living out his Ronnie/Ricky/Mike video fantasy. Unfortunately for him, I had just seen BBD on Late Night with Jimmy and they were killing it (this is the web-only performance of Do Me!):

House party dance floor dude was killing it but in a different (read very, very bad - like homicidal) way. Note to folks who are a legend in their own minds: When a group of people stand and stare at you with a "What are we supposed to do with THAT?" collective look... no bueno.

But more troubling was the fact that BBD Dude did not win the whacktastical prize of the night. The next runner-up was Pam. Her name isn't really Pam. You know that Chris Rock joke in Bigger and Blacker where he's talking about the mother out in the club, "lf the kid calls his grandmamma ''Mommy''... and his mama ''Pam,'' he's going to jail." Okay, so we'll call her Pam because she has three ragamuffin children that seem to always be at grandma's house while Pam is out doing Pam. This night was no different. Pam was systemically hitting on every dude in the house, married or not. If they turned her down, she moved onto the next. Sometimes she circled back around. As the night got longer and the drinks got stronger, she was having more luck. At last glance, she had her hand in the lap of some dude who seemed okay with it.

But the Captain Whacktastic prize goes to this dude... he walked up to me and a group of three other women. Introduced himself as James T. Kirk from the Planet Lovetron. [you can NOT make this stuff up!!] Then he said, "Wondering if any of you ladies would like a ride on my rocket?" 

No. Actually more like...
**the sound of crickets committing suicide because they didn't want to live in a world this corny**

At first we all just hit him with the 'you can't be serious' double eye blink. And then as if on cue, we dissolved into laughter. To his credit, he shrugged and said, "At least you're laughing with me." Then he hitched up his jeans (which were sagging in a very unfortunate way) and walked over to the next group. Um.... #HollaFAIL

Bougieland... Lovetron?! What part of the game is that?! Tell me, do you think he was serious? Like he was really stepping up to bat with Lovetron as his first pitch? Someone help me understand.