This week, we've been answering "Ask a Bougie Chick" questions. Yesterday, a friend of a friend of mine, John wrote in to see if his suspicions about his fiancée calling out the name Kevin during a "special moment" were warranted or not. 99% of the BnB comments felt that he was right to be concerned.
But before I even had finished putting that post together, he sent me another letter. John may be in love but he's not stupid. [Which was the crux of what was troubling me. He's too smart to fall for an okey-doke. But love, as you as know, makes fools of us all. Anyway, moving on...] Here's what he had to say... [in all honesty, he asked me to re-work his letter since it was all over the place so here's my Chele-fied version of what he said. He approved my version before posting]
You know what? You can go ahead and use the last letter I sent but after I sent it to you, I got to thinking. Re-reading it like that made me take a step back and look at this from a purely factual point of view. As a matter of fact, I've thought of little else since pressing SEND three days ago. And in your words, I have to call bullshiggity. Who the hell is Kevin?
No need to ask Pam again, she is obviously a much more accomplished liar than I ever suspected. I wrote out a timeline and thought about what had happened since we first shopped for the ring. What was different? This is so cliché, I cannot believe it. Pam started taking Pilates. One guess as to who her Pilates instructor is?
Earlier today, she came home from her workout all sweaty. Normally, I wouldn't be home but a meeting got reshuffled so I came home early. I leaned in to kiss her and she pulled back a little and said, "Gimme a second, I need a shower." I nodded, "You should really wash Kevin off you before you come home." She went completely still and if it's possible for a dark-skinned girl to turn white - she came damn close. For the first time in the three plus years I've known her, she couldn't put a sentence together.
All I said was, "I'm not that guy." She went into a whole tearful "it means nothing" speech which honestly is insulting as all hell. I'd rather hear that she fell in love with the guy rather than "it means nothing". Why throw what we had away for nothing or did she really think she could keep us both? It's worse case scenario - she was just going to continue doing him until the wedding. Yes, actually said that. "It was just until the wedding."
What magical damn thing was going to happen at the wedding to make her less of an unfaithful tramp? [Blogger's note: Those are John's words not my interpretation] And I know, I know - I should look at this as a blessing that I found out now instead of later.
Really doesn't feel like a blessing right now. Feels like I almost married a woman who played me for a complete idiot. I did have to ask her if she ever really loved me and she said "of course" with this wounded look but we've already established that she lies... well. She wants to know what she has to do (beyond quit swirling Kevin) to fix this. I told her I needed time and sent her to stay with her girlfriend.
Is this even fixable? Am I a complete idiot to want to try? She gives up Kevin, we get some counseling - what do you think our chances are? Or am I still being an idiot? Let me put it like this, Chele: 1) If it was you, what would you do? and 2) If we were good friends, what would you tell me to do?
Oh John. It's so fresh. You don't have to make any decisions beyond postponing/canceling the wedding right now. The hardest part about things like this is that your head and your heart are at odds with each other. This is a phenomenon I am far too familiar with. Your brain is screaming "Run far fast and free in the other direction!" Your heart is still in love with the person you asked to marry you. So here are my answers:
1) I'd bail on the wedding. I don't know about trying to salvage the relationship. I tend to hold grudges for a while. It takes me a minute to turn the "let bygones" page. It's not just the betrayal but the deceit plus this part of that person's character that has been revealed. It's a lot to absorb.
2) I'd tell you to bail on the wedding and really think about if the relationship is salvageable. Are you going to be able to forgive and forget? What exactly were her motivations for being with you? There are a lot of unanswered questions you need to get to the bottom of before even considering moving forward with the relationship let alone a wedding.
Truthfully, my initial gut instinct is to tell you that you deserve better than some pretty chick who gives it up to the Pilates dude (who is probably doing his entire client list). Part of me wants to come up there and smack the shiggity out of her. These trifling heffas who don't know when they got a good man - Arrgh! Woo-sah. But I'm a little cynical. Let me turn it over to BnB.
BougieLand, what do you have? Is this even fixable? Is he a complete idiot to want to try? With counseling, what do you think their chances are? If it was you, what would you do? If he was your good friend, what would you tell him to do? And a deeper question, for those of us that have been cheated on... if you knew in advance that your s/o was going to cheat on you... would you have still pursued the relationship? Answer one, none, all or give me your thoughts. The floor is yours.