The Soap Opera continues: B & E, Brawls and Bullshiggity (part 2)

When last we chatted, New Dude's Ex-Wife and soon-to-be-Ex-Best Friend had broken into his home for reasons unknown. Words were exchanged followed by punches and next thing you know some of North Texas' finest were at the front door. Let's continue...

All four officers and a sergeant came inside. They saw a chick that looked like a hooker (but is actually a vice president at a bank) sitting on a sofa, one black man bleeding from his nose and mouth, the black man that opened the door flexing his fist, and a paint splattered chick in a t-shirt that read “Black by Birth, Bougie by choice” sitting at the the bar gulping wine with her laptop open.

“Good Evening everybody, does somebody want to tell me what is going here?” Said the last officer to enter the room. He looked at me, I looked back and we started laughing. “Michele RealLastNameHere – is that you? Oh my God, I haven’t seen you in 20 years. Look at you, give me a hug.”

Yep, I went to high school with Sergeant McHottie (We’ll call him Bryant) I had the biggest crush on him back in the day. He was the cool white dude that hung with all the black folks. Bluest eyes, wavy brown hair, blingy white smile, kind of JFK Jr hot. We sat next to each other in two classes and I recalled that we got busted for passing notes in homeroom.  He passed me the lyrics to Erotic City and as punishment, I was forced to get up and read them out loud. Not my proudest day. He had even come to University of Texas for a semester and there was a moment when we kinda  sorta thought about maybe hooking up but I don’t remember why that didn't happen. The next semester he transferred to TCU. 

Now he was in New Dude’s living room. I jumped up and gave him a huge hug. Over his shoulder I saw New Dude raise a brow like, “Seriously are you hugged up on po-po right now?” I patted Bryant’s shoulder one last time and took a step back. “Hey.”

“You look really well, did you ever marry –"

I cut him off, no need to go all there. “How’s Suzie?” He had married a cheerleader and Miss Texas runner-up.

“Oh we divorced a few years back, two kids, you know the drill.”

Now everyone else was looking hella uncomfortable so he cleared his throat. “Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“Why does she get to tell her side of the sorry, she’s brand new anyway. She doesn't even belong here!” SEW commenced to mouthing off and those of us that live in Texas give her the big eyes. This is TEXAS, sweetie. We don’t talk back to law round here. We smile pretty and say, “Thank you Officer.”

McHottie told his dude to calm her down and turned back to me. “So who lives here and what’s going on?”

I recounted the tale as I saw it. At one point Bryant interrupted to ask, “Wait, your boyfriend’s ex-wife is a stripper?”

SEW lost it and started cursing and threatening to fight folks. Vince tried to intervene. She and Vince ended up in handcuffs, New Dude was handing out beer to the officers and came over to sit down right next to me. 

Bryant said, “So Michele, it’s up to you. We can haul them off for breaking and entering, disturbing the peace, assault, the whole nine or we write this up as a public nuisance call and bury it. Up to you.”

Ooo-wee. You know the cartoon where the devil is on one shoulder and the angel on the other? I felt just like that. High road? Low road? What to do, what to do? Send old girl to the pokey wearing an ace bandage and a bandana? So. Very. Tempting. New Dude put his hand on my thigh, “Up to you.”

“I want that key back.” I announced. Everybody nodded. “And you and I are going to have to talk about your friendships.”

“You’re the only friend I have in this room.” True dat.

I turned back Bryant, “Okay, just write it up and send them on their way.”

Derrick said, “I want a copy of the citation.”

As they were being ushered out, Derrick got the key back from Vince and announced, "You know you don't need to come back, right?" Vince tried to argue but Derrick shut him down. Then he looked over at SEW. “And you might wanna re-think that transfer.”

She went all blinky eyed – “What?”

“I can go over your head and have it stopped, seeing as how I’m holding a copy of a police report with your name on it in my hands or you can go in and tell them you changed your mind. You either want to continue working or is it more important for you to hang around here effing up other people's lives?”

Oh damn, not the blackmail!? New Dude was all parts of testosterone laden this evening. I started to get up and happy dance but I held it back. SEW just flung her hair around and walked out behind Vince. 

Bryant said, “Michele, can you walk outside with me for a minute?” He and New Dude exchanged the ‘don’t start none, won’t be none’ look.


We weren’t even out the door two steps when he said, “You okay here? I don’t like him for you.”

Le Sigh. “I'm fine. Why?”

“You can tell a man by the friends he keeps and I don’t like his friends. Not at all. With the exception of you, he made some poor choices.”

Food for thought, though these were friends he'd made over fifteen years ago. “Thanks for your help tonight. I wish I’d seen you under better circumstances.”

“Well you can.” He handed me his card and leaned in a little, lowering his voice. “My cell’s on the back, give me a call. We’ll catch up or whatever.”

I kinda blinked like – what just happened right there? He smiled and backed away towards his car. “Y’all have a nice night, ya hear?”

I turned back towards the door where New Dude was standing with his hands on his hips and a scowl on his face. “What was that about?”

“No sir, don’t bring it here. Not after your half naked ex showed up trying to get her freak on.”

He shook his head, “What the hell was that outfit?”

“Why are you asking me?” We walked back in the house and shut the door.

“Are we going to fight? If so, let's get it in now. Because I’m tired and hot.”

“You seem a bit tense and on edge too. Does your hand hurt?”

“Hurts like hell, hard-headed bastard.” (he used some words stronger than bastard)

“Aw, were you in there fighting for my honor?”

“Among other things. It was probably a long damn time coming. Gotta call a locksmith in the morning, apologize to my nosy-assed neighbors. It's been a long day. Can a brother get some love?”

I sent him the side-eye, he ain't slick. “We’ll see what we can do."

Here endeth the portion of the tale that I shall be sharing on this here blog. I suspect I've just made two enemies for life and as we know, evil never dies it multiplies. I'm cautiously optimistic that the worst of the drama is behind us. Contrary to these blog revelations, I prefer life on the calm plateaus not up on the mountains or down in the valleys. Here's hoping for some plateau time.

So what say you BougieLand? Do share thoughts, comments, insights.