Gents, I have not forgotten about you… no sir. You were all giddy and happy over #SundressMonth so I just let ya’ll enjoy that. But now, it’s time for some of you to get your brethren. Literally, go snatch them up in the streets and ask them what the hell they are thinking. Summer is no excuse for flagrant foolery in the wardrobe department. We have just skated past another BBQ holiday and it’s time to pull your coattails… literally.
Some of you know better, some of you clearly do not give a damn but I beg of you... Read this and pass it along to a friend (or two). It’s America the Beautiful, not America the Brokedown. I'm not even going in on the 5x white tee with denim shorts. Unless your name is Pookie and you're standing on the corner, I don't know what to tell you but - what are you doing with your life?
I’m going to assume you recognize that your clothes should fit. Let’s start with the basics. (By the way, you can click the pictures to see the full-size view.)
Fit – Read Esquire, GQ or my blog cousin The Gentlemen's Standard on how to match clothes to your body. Just like you don't want women looking like sausage trying to fight its way out of the casing... um, back at cha. And that oversized look ain't for everybody.
As far as pants go: Pleats add volume, if you are slim this is a good look otherwise go flat-front. Skinny jeans look good on no man. Stop trying. One of my favorites quotes: "The sexiest thing a man can wear is a nice pair of jeans. Nothing too light, and they shouldn't be too tight or too loose. The only men who've managed to pull off tight jeans are Elvis and Tom Selleck, and everyone else should let go of that dream."
Relaxed/loose fit can look baggy on slim guys, low rise are for the young and slender, slim-fit really depend on the cut. No acid wash. If you don’t like a dark wash (what’s WRONG with you) get a medium rinse. You age yourself with the color of your jeans. Black is always a winner. The key to mens’ jeans (and I cannot emphasize this enough) is butt, length, waistline. In that order. The perfect pair of jeans make your butt look taut, your legs look long and waistline (true waistline, not where you heft it up or drop it down with a belt) look proportionate to your chest and hips. Get in the mirror with someone who will tell you the truth and figure it out. Straight-leg, bootcut, mid-rise, button fly – I know it’s confusing but so worth the effort when you get it right.
Drawers – Boxers or briefs? Do you. But this is undies done right.
This is undies done wrong.
Pull your pants up unless you’re taking them off for a good reason. You feel me? Okay.
What is wrong with that picture? The wifebeater + the gym shoes (without socks!) that cost more than the car they are fixing. Think on it people.
Linens & Silks – Great summer fabrics. But they both wrinkle and have to be done right.
But at no time should it look like a jungle is growing on your chest. Correction: If you are in Hawaii or Mexico or hosting a Tahitian Cocktail party, you're all clear otherwise flora and fauna linen is not your friend.
Sheer shirts. I like Mario but hell to the no. That's awful. Not sexy... awful.
Capri Pants. No. Sir. I don't care if Ashton wore them. He's wrong too. Oh and the mandals? I'd rather you didn't. But if you must, fellas - one word: Lotion. Okay one more: Hydrate.
V-neck: Stop it. Please. This means you too, Tyson. Just heckie no.
All plaid joints. Why? Sorry Big Willie but that's awful. And hat matching dude? Ugh.
Coordinated sets. You are not five years old. The Garanimal look is no longer cute. The father from Boomerang called, he wants his "co-ord-in-ates" back.
Pimp suits. Your suits should not come in fruit or sherbet flavors. Cranberry? Lime? Orange? Blueberry? No. Unless your name is Velvet Jones or Steve Harvey, there's no reason to own these. Let alone rock them.
Overbranding. Are they paying you? Then no. One logo per outfit please.
Short suits. Are you dressed up or casual? I. Do. Not. Understand.
All Denim joints. Once known as the Texas Tuxedo (we in Texas are not amused), this is doing too much. I know, I know. It's Ye and he is frequently doing too much but this looks like he found a sale at the Levi Strauss outlet. Buy one, get two free.
Lace up shirts? That’s a lifestyle choice. NTTAWWT*, just know what your shirt is saying about you.
I could go on but I feel this is plenty to start with. Oh let me just add this as a final thought.
Thank you for your time and attention. I feel confident that I can speak for the women of the world when I say Teach One, Reach One and Pay It Forward. Please review your wardrobes and correct your infractions post haste. Appreciate it! Can anyone think of something I've left out? Any thoughts, comments, horror stories to share?
*NTTAWWT = Not That There's Anything Wrong With That