You might be a terrible co-worker if…

Continuing Bougie WorkTales Week… a list that you do not want to be on.

Let's face it; work is better place to be if we all just get along. Human nature doesn't really work that way but there are some things that one can avoid in order not to be hated (or severely disliked). Without further ado, you might be a terrible co-worker if:
  • People can smell you coming before they see you coming. I have had the unfortunate experience of having to send someone home because of the cloud of funk surrounding them. Even more awkward was the case of the gentleman who only bathed once a week for religious reasons. I had to move him and two of his like-minded friends into a room of their own on a different floor. How much did I hate to go in there for anything? Funk is bad. Febreeze covered funk is just flower-flavored funk. Put it on a bumper sticker.

  • You are never on time for anything. Ever. Even if you are hosting the conference call (one of my pet peeves). You never make the eight o'clock meeting on time, you're always a day (or more) past a deadline. You're the person who promises to send an email in fifteen minutes and four hours later I'm still looking for it. A word of advice – do NOT travel with this person. It will make you crazy.

  • You can't keep a secret. Workplaces are just high schools with paychecks, a benefits plan, and a much sterner principal. Everybody is in everyone else's business and confidences get shared. Learn the difference between sharing an interesting tidbit, "I hear she applied for a transfer to Iceland" and straight snitching, "She makes $8,500 more than everyone else in the department." Mind your own, please.

  • Your lips stay attached to the bosses hindparts. You know who you are. The bossman never said a word you didn't agree with. You laugh at the terrible jokes, co-sign the offbeat commentary and think it's a GREAT idea to have that meeting at 4:30pm on a Friday afternoon. [serious side-eye to that one]

  • You are sleeping your way through the organization chart. Hmm, how to say this? Hump at home. Keep it zipped at work. If you must get buckwild with a co-worker, swear each other to secrecy and sign a blood oath. If it's some one you are in a direct reporting relationship with… you're asking (begging) for trouble. It never pans out and it always comes back to bite you in the ass. Pun intended. There are a ton of clichéd phrases for this: Don't dip your fingers in company ink, don't shiggity where you eat… you get the idea.

  • You pass the buck. Assignment lands on your desk and you always (ALWAYS) find a way to pass it on to someone else. As a matter of fact, you have perfected the art of doing very little and taking responsibility for not a darned thing. We don't like you. Watch your back.

  • You send out those cutesy joke emails all day. One joke, one cute anecdote during the day… fine. But don't be that person who sends fifty-eleven jokes about kittens and grandmas. And the Jesus prayer chains? Um, I appreciate the blessings but telling me that none of my prayers will come true if I don't forward it to twelve people in the next twelve minutes cannot be the kind of discipleship Jesus had in mind.

  • You never see the silver lining and always discuss the cloud. Aargh. We called this person Depression Dan or Zoloft Zelda. They are perennially unhappy and let everybody know. They are the person that opens the bonus check you weren't supposed to get in the first place and complains (loudly), "Is this all we're getting?" We may be thinking it Dan/Zelda, we don't say it. Your barrage of blues is bringing everybody down. Try walking on sunshine… just once. Please.

  • You tell us (repeatedly) that this is not how it was done at your last job… the one where you were a star. Granted, we haven't seen any evidence of that shiny brightness here but you are hell bent on reminding us how things used to be done wherever you came from. This prompts us to wonder why you left (or got the boot) and why you just don't go back to the place where the streets are paved with gold and champagne flows from the water fountains.

  • You flat-out suck at your job. Yes, you do. Someone (usually me) has to re-do everything you touch. You do not catch on quickly. Your learning curve is Mt. Everest. Several times a day, you approach people with the opening phrase, "Can I ask you something real quick?" Le Sigh. It takes less time for me to take it from you and do it than for me to explain it to you. But you know that already, don't you? No one understands how you got this job or how you are still employed. Yet here you are.
If you recognize yourself in 2 or more of these examples, you may want to think about opening up your own shop. Seriously… don't be this guy/girl. Can anyone think of a terrible co-worker trait I forgot? Do you know any of the folks I listed above? Comments, insights, thoughts? Do share…