What’s in your closet? Literally.

Inspired by the topic for tonight's radio show, I decided it was time to literally clean out my closets. What's crazy is that I usually do this twice a year so I'm very confused by some of the things still lurking in there. There are some real "What was I thinking?" items in there. I understand the "I might fit into that one day" section though I've pared that down significantly. My "special occasion" section has been whittled down to the point that if a formal event comes up, I might as well just buy something new. Working from home has me questioning why I still need all those spiffy suits. I am a fairly conservative dresser though I believe in color, most specifically jewel tones. I like basic fabrics like cotton, silk, linen and jersey and anything that has "stretch" in the mix is a win. I tend to skew toward traditional cuts and lines borderline on preppy with one of two trendy pieces thrown in for kicks. But some items I have absolutely no explanation or excuse for.

Here are the worst five:

One – A T-shirt ripped at the shoulder (a la Flashdance) that says in neon colors "Jamaican Me Crazy". I quit buying tees on vacation over ten years ago and this shirt is a small. Without oversharing, I've been in a D cup or larger since the age of 14. There is no size small shirt stretching across here. Conclusion: I don't know whose shirt this was but it's going to be used to polish my car this weekend.

Two – A ruffled wrap blouse in a truly unfortunate shade of green. Somewhere between a rotting lime and baby-poo color. Plus, see the comment about the chest size above, ruffles no bueno. A glance at the tag still attached (FAIL) says it was on sale for $5.99 at Ross Dress for Less. That's no excuse. Conclusion: I was clearly impaired when I purchased this, it's off to Goodwill.

Three – A bronze leather pantsuit. Let me have that sink in for you. Slim cut leather pants in bronze with a matching double breasted jacket. I'm not old enough to have gone to Studio 54 where this suit would have been the bomb diggity. I recall wearing the pants with a baby pink angora sweater with a deep V-neck and baby pink suede ankle wrap stilettos years ago. I also recall rocking the jacket over an all-black outfit more than five years ago. Bless my heart… Conclusion: Definite Goodwill material and praying no one has pictures.

Four – The workout wardrobe. Granted I used to date someone who got unlimited freebies from Nike and Reebok but this is ridiculous. I could work out three times a day for three weeks straight (yes I did the math) and never run out stuff to wear. Crazy since I wear the same three yoga pants and five t-shirts. Plus I was holding onto six (SIX!) of that ninja's jerseys. Seriously? Conclusion: Random workout gear to Goodwill, four of the jerseys to eBay. Two are pro bowl jerseys with a bunch of players' signatures. Holding onto those for collector's items.

Five – Okay so I have a shoe thing. I love shoes. I believe in owning the entire rainbow. I am that matchy-in-a-preppy way chick. But I don't see any reason to own five pairs of orange shoes. Okay one pair is a burnt orange wedge sandal, one is a cantaloupe flat, one was a died-to-match shoe for some wedding I was in years ago and the other two are highly questionable as far their usefulness. The boudoir shoes? Shoes clearly only meant to be worn from the front door to the boudoir, um – we're paring those down. And don't even get me started on my purple shoes. I'm not evolved enough to let those go yet. Conclusion: Some orange, pink, green and taupe shoes are outta here. And I need to understand why I need more than one pair of black patent peep toe Mary Janes. (They say admitting you have a problem is the first step. Hello, my name is Michele and I'm a shoe-aholic.)

Those are just some highlights. I'm not sure why I own wide-leg plaid pants, a red lyrca catsuit and a jacket that looks like a circus threw up on it. My travel uniform used to be a crisp white shirt, dark jeans, jacket and loafers. This explains the twelve (at least it wasn't thirteen?) variations on white dress shirt in my closet. I don't know ya'll… I just don't know.

If you get some spare time, I suggest you rifle through the back corners of your closets and see what you can find. Has anyone else found something in their closets that gave them significant pause?