Guest Post - Dear Future Spouse: Where Are You?! By Chanelle Schneider

Happy Monday, BougieLand! Please join me in welcoming the smart and talented @WriterChanelle of the From There to Here blog. There was a trending topic that caught our eyes a few weeks ago. Chanelle had some thoughts to share. I thought they would fit right in with our look at relationship readiness. Enjoy and show some comment love:

The single men and women of the world seem to be looking for one thing when it comes to marriage: Love. The difference between the genders? Men are scared of it; and, women think it comes wrapped up in a box labeled Trojans. If Twitter is any indication, the majority of men seem to know what they want, while the women are trying too hard to live up to standards created for women by men.

Twitter is a social network populated by users of varying ages, cultures and races. Twitter has enabled its users to meet new people to follow via hashtags. Some people use these tags to host chats where people come together to discuss ideas around one topic at a specific, scheduled time. Some popular chats include:

  • #journchat
  • #blogchat
  • #custserv
  • #BlackEd
  • #scriptchat

A description and more detailed listing of these chats can be found here. Twitterers can also participate via the Trending Topics list on their home page. Not too long ago the topic #dearfuturewife was trending across the United States; and, I captured this tweet

#dearfuturewife i do love you...I'm just scared for u to love me!

I took his name out, but I'm sure savvy people could look up the quote if they really want to know who he is. I love you, but I'm scared for you to love me??!

Come on, men; is this how you really feel? What are you scared of? If a woman is already with you, she is probably giving you a good indication of whether or not she loves you as you are right now. Let her in and allow the two of you to grow together. I asked a male friend of mine for his opinion on this topic. He felt men need time to complete themselves and remove perceived weaknesses. Once they do, anything that results in the relationship ending cannot be their fault. To be fair, he said that both men and women think this way. So, we're all just holding up the process by trying to perfect for one another? Great. He further stated that each individual man is waiting for a sign to let him know when he is ready.

Unfortunately, some women think that having sex speeds up the process of falling in love. Men know the difference between the women who are going to be there for a minute and the woman who will be there for a lifetime. In general, they want the lifetime love as much as women do, but men know it's something for which they have to be ready. Love, to a man, cannot be pressured or manipulated; it comes in its own time.

Now, I need the real women to stand up because there are a large number of fakers out there; and, they're trying to speak for us. They're saying things like the following:

I'm tht Grl tht rocs the largst spirals, v-necs, dstryd jeans, n 5in stiletto's! Always got my BB n hand I considr myslf a BIG DEAL

Really, girlfriend? Really? This is how you're going to portray yourself to the world? Unfortunately, this is just one example of many accounts held by women on Twitter who are doing a major disservice to our gender. When the #dearfuturehusband tag became a trending topic, all I saw were tweets saying what they weren't going to do (cook, clean, etc…) and what a man better do/have (money, job, etc…) Let me assure you that these ladies do not speak for me; and, I know that they don't speak for the quality women. When it comes to a future husband, we want to give as much as we get. We want a balanced love that emphasizes trust, commitment and growth. We want to be protected occasionally, taken care of every once in a while, and provided for daily. Just kidding…

When it comes down to it, men and women want the same thing when it comes to a life-long commitment, we just don't know where to find each other and keep running into the wrong men and women. We settle because we don't know if the right person will ever come along. So, men, stop trying to be what you deem deserving of the right woman if you're already with one; and, women, look inside yourself for the woman you truly are, and let her shine. Stop trying to be someone you're not just because video girl of the week got a man by doing it.

Alright BougieLand, for those of you not in the currently married ranks, what would you tell your future spouse? Those that are married, what would (should) you have said to your future spouse prior to taking those vows? (AUTHOR'S WARNING: Don't jack up your good relationships going in on this one, please and thank you)

The floor is yours…