Just came from seeing Date Night, it was amusing and at some points laugh out loud funny. My real life on the other hand…
A girlfriend of mine called last night and asked if I wanted to meet her for drinks. She was at Pappadeaux (Cajun eatery, notoriously meat-markety on Friday nights) ten minutes away. Now what I SHOULD have done was ask a few questions: Why are you at Pappadeaux on a Friday night? Why are you just now calling me? But no… I slithered into skinny jeans, slapped on lipstick and mascara and rolled out. I pulled up, circled twice to get a good parking space and hopped out. I walked in and saw her seated in the bar area… with two dudes. One of which was beaming at me… can you say S-E-T-U-P? I know I can…
I walk over to the booth and hit her with my "I Call Bullshiggity" glare, she is smart enough to look away and mumble introductions. I didn't really pay attention. Old boy was not bad looking but he was way too cheesy, seemed already drunk and was instantly in my personal space. Touching things that did not belong to him. Like all up on my portion of the bench in the booth. I had to keep one ass cheek in perch mode to keep his breath off my neck. The waitress came around and this ninja said, "Shawty let me get you drunk." Le Quadruple Sigh… I mean for real though? Is this just my dating karma now? I ordered an expensive drink – The Pappadocious, with an extra shot. I felt I needed the fortification. I also pulled out the BlackBerry and began to live-tweet my shibacle (marriage of shiggity and debacle, coined by Deion Sanders on the NFL Network, I stole it).
I attempted to make small talk (while tweeting) and asked some basics like what do you do for a living? His friend (who by the way was cute, intelligent, fine, a gentleman, SOBER) said, "He's a plumber, he's 40 years old, one son." This guy responded by saying, "I like a lady to let down her inhibitions... Is that your real hair?" And I was stunned silent. Where does one take the conversational thread from there?
The drink came and I grabbed onto it like a lifeline. Dude said, "Baby I got you for an appetizer. Whatever you want, you are worth it." My eyes closed and under the table I was clicking the heels on my Gucci pumps together: There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home. I opened my eyes and I was still in hell. Dude was 40 years old with his own business and he's GOT me for an appetizer? Is that even a compliment? I thinks not.
What's tragic was that my girlfriend's date was ME ALL DAY. We chatted a little while she sat there ashamed of herself (she should have been). If was the kind of girl to swoop in, steal a man and run - she would have been in serious trouble. Then just to be mean, a cocoa cutie strolled past just eyeing me up one side and down the other. I so very badly wanted to go all club-holla, grab his arm as he passed and say, "Psst, psst – hey baby. What your name is?" I decided that was not bougie.
But can you blame me for wanting to upgrade this sneak attack date in the worst way? Still with phone in hand, I started answering FormSpring questions online - clear sign I have nothing left to say. He looked over and asked, "Oh are you on Twitter?" Me, baldfaced, "Nope," as I sent a tweet. Yes, I lied about Twitter while tweeting.
Girlfriend finally noticed that I was all in the BlackBerry. "Michele, come on. I didn't mean to ambush you." I said, "Sure you did." She said, "I just thought you'd like Jerome." Well then I started giggling because my mind immediately went to Martin, "I say Jerome in da house. Romey-Rome in da hiz-hiz-zouse!"
Romey-Rome figured out I wasn't feeling him and got loud, "Can you put down your BlackBerry for two seconds and talk to me?" Me: "Sure." (Let's see what he coming with) He proceeded to talk about himself for five minutes straight. In case you are curious, Romey likes baseball, bikinis, the color blue and beer. (Yes direct quote) After I remained silent he said, "So are you here to drink, date, or get done? Let a brotha know what's up?" #HollaFAIL! I started tweeting his snippets of wisdom as #Romeyquotes. I finished that drink in record time but not before this #Romeyquote: "Baby girl, you smell like my pillow tomorrow morning." Me: "You're joking with me, right?" Bougienistas, what does that even mean?
That was it for me. As I'm sliding out of the booth, Romey-Rome started singing 50 Cent's Baby by Me. But he changed the lyrics, "Have a baby by me become a…" Wait for it - a thrillionaire. I asked his friend how much he had had to drink. His friend looked shame-faced and said, "At least one too many. Apologies." Ri-ight.
So I headed out to my car and slid in. As I'm tweeting my status update, yonder came Romey Rome. Someone on Twitter advised me that vehicular homicide is no bueno so I shelved the thought of backing over him. I rolled down the window. "What's up?" #Romeyquote: "You don't give a brotha a shot. I could do something for you tonight." Me (sarcastic): "Just tonight, huh?" Him (serious): "You want the whole weekend?" Window up. Car in reverse… freedom. Looking in the rearview, Romey was standing in the street with his arms up. "That's how you gonna play me?" Boy, bye.
The movie was so much better than the reality.