WARNING: This post is NC-17. Those of you offended by sexual references (and any family members who read this), my apologies. Truly. But I couldn't edit. I really couldn't.
Subtitled: Great Sexpectations…
For the purposes of this post, I'm defining sexpectation as the expectation that sexual activity will occur within the 24-hour period following some other activity between two people.
It was after five pm on Friday evening when a male friend of mine (no more no less) called to say he'd had a fight with his date for the evening. We'll call him Sam. Sam and date were supposed to go see the Ludacris/Black Eyed Peas convert in a few hours' time. Did I want to go instead? Now I wasn't all that psyched to hear BEP sing repetitive anthems for an hour but I will go listen to Luda any day of the week. Lest you get to side-eying me, let's review Bouge Rule #6: You can be bougie and hood but not at the same time. I love me some Luda. Dirty South ya'll...
Moving on. I told him I'd love to go and we made arrangements to meet at a specified time and place. So I was contemplating cute jeans and a cute "but I'm not dating him" top [no cleavage] from the closet when I received a call back from Sam.
Sam: How about dinner too?
Me: Sure, I just finished eating but I will grab a drink while you eat.
Sam: Are you sure?
I paused to make sure I didn't miss something then said: Dinner, drinks and a concert sound fine, why?
Now a pause on his end, then he said: Okay, I'll text you back details in a few minutes.
We hung up. I wondered if maybe his date was back on and he wanted to take her or if something else was up that I was just missing. Then, in typical Michele fashion, I shrugged it off and contemplated the proper heel height to walk up and down concert steps, stay in for a few hours and be cute without limping at the end of the night. I was in the middle of wondering if I could still get away with boots even though it was 76 degrees outside when the BlackBerry buzzed. I glanced at the text; it had a restaurant name I was familiar with not too far from the concert venue. I typed back: Got it.
I was firing up the curling iron when the phone buzzed again. I read the text, blinked and read it again. The words didn't change. This dude, who I have been purely platonic friends with for quite some time, went all the way left.
His text: You do realize that we are f***ing tonight, right?
[Let me let you re-read that. I'll wait.] I answered: Are you joking?
Sam: We're getting it in tonight.
Me (perplexed): Excuse me?
Sam: Most definitely. Or are you more the type to make love? LOL
Me (still confused): No LOL at all. Where is this coming from?
Sam: 1) Because we can and I'd like to 2) I'm spending a lot of money on you tonight and 3) Why not?
Me (not happy): So any female you invite to this concert is required to "show appreciation"?
Sam: Not required to, expected to.
Me (typing furiously): Ninja please, it's a concert and a cocktail. Not a trip to the Caymans and canary diamonds.
Sam: Is that your price? You wanna go to the Caymans? You need diamonds?
Me (done): Price? Boy bye. Enjoy the concert.
Sam: So you're not coming?
Sam: Sure I can't make you come tonight?
Me (mean): Probably not on any night.
Sam: Try me.
Me: I'll pass.
Sam: That's a no to everything?
Me: That's a no. To everything.
Sam: Your loss.
Now since then he has called to say he "may have been out of line" and to disregard. Really? Ya think? Here was my issue: Though I would have been surprised because we were always firmly in the "friend zone", I would not have been offended had he asked me or made a move, I was offended that he expected it to happen. Like it was owed to him as payment for a drink and a concert ticket. I was heated.
Have brothers gone back to "pay for play" status in the dating game? Or has it always been there and I just missed it? Just as a drink in the club will not necessarily net you a dance, dinner and a concert guarantees you only a "thank you for inviting me".
Now, let me say this as far as the Caymans go. If we are in a committed intimate relationship and you take me on vacation, yes – you have an expectation of a l'il sumthin' sumthin'… this I understand. No woman says yes to an overnight trip with her man (especially a beach destination) without understanding that there are sexpectations involved. Grown folks know what time it is. If a woman is not interested, she should not take the trip. Period. I mean it, ladies. Don't be hopping on planes to Miami and Aruba thinking twin beds and a kiss good night. Just sayin'.
Fellas - I'm not even saying that your sexpectations may not get fulfilled. It could happen. But know your audience. Don't apply one-drink-hit-it-in-the-club sexpectations to a five-date-if-you're-lucky girl. Okay, I recognize that I'm old-fashioned and don't care what's hot in da streetz. I'll let you all weigh in and let me know if I'm completely clueless:
Am I wrong? Isn't the sharing of the good-good a privilege, not a right? And if you are trying to purchase it, isn't that an entirely different kind of transaction?
Ladies – have you been the object of a man's overt sexpectations? What are your thoughts on that? And in this age when sometimes women are the breadwinners, is there reverse sexpectation going on? Are women paying to get the services rendered these days? And is a sexpectation after a date better or worse than a booty call?
Fellas – Is there a dollar limit on the "pay for play"? I mean at what point do you expect an ROI (Return on Investment) - $5.00, $100.00, $500.00? What if it's not money but time you invested? Are these sexpectations different depending on the status of the relationship? Are third date sexpectations different from six-years-married-on-a-Saturday-night? Do share. And feel free to be as brutally honest as you can.
The floor is yours…
UPDATED: Here's a response from Mr. Inkognegro on his blog.