*Thanks to @True2Me for giving me this idea!
By now ya'll should know that for the most part, it's all love with the occasional sigh and side-eye here in BougieLand. Wouldn't it be great if we could spread the gospel of bougenificence the whole world through? In the meantime, we're left to take people as they are. Over the years, I have been blessed with a variety of close and diverse friends… and then there are these other chicks. The ones you never wanted to befriend in the first place but they just love, love, love you?
These women try your patience and force you to apologize for their behavior. In the beginning, you really tried to like them but the more time you spent with them, the more you realized you just had to get away. So I present to in no particular order, five women it's hard to be friends with:
- Drama Queen
- Characteristics: emotional outbursts, crying jags and manic phone calls/texts in the middle of the night
- Where they thrive: Loves to be in the middle of the messiest situation possible. If you are in the middle of a divorce because your SO cheated with two midgets who were shipped over from Brazil as part of a human-trafficking ring… this chick is right there with a video camera and TMZ on speed dial.
- What they do: Where no drama exists, she sets it off! This chick can create drama between aisle 2A and 2B in the Target Superstore.
- Theme Song: Emotional Rollercoaster by Vivian Green
- What they need: Besides a kick in the ass and some Zoloft? Someone to feed their drama jones and hold their hands (24/7/365).
- Moody-ALL-cloud-no-silver-lining girl
- Characteristics: never happy, always cranky, can suck the joy out of a room in 60 seconds flat. They never see the silver lining, they believe it's always darkest before it's pitch black and their cloud has no silver lining (maybe just dented aluminum foil).
- Where they thrive: Any place sad and depressing. They go to every funeral, visit everybody in the hospital, are the first people to call after a break-up to tell you she knew it was never gonna work out anyway. They always know the saddest, most depressing stories and repeat them at the worst possible times.
- What they do: Stay down and try to bring you down with them. If you call to say you lost three pounds she reminds you that you have 17 more to go.
- Theme Song: Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
- What they need: Besides a backhand slap, some Valium and Jesus? Life is all they need; they'll find the downside in everything anyway.
- Miss KnowItAll
- Characteristics: Knows all the answers (even when she doesn't), hands out advice (whether it's asked for or not), feels free to lecture everyone on their flaws (while ignoring her own) and always has a story to one up yours (for every conceivable situation).
- Where they thrive: In groups and at parties, the larger the better where more people can hear them speak about themselves and their wonderful life.
- What they do: Compete for everything. They must win at Scrabble, they must have the last word and they must reinforce how intelligent they are to everyone within listening range. You just met a guy? She has the perfect husband? You have an amazing crab dip recipe, so does she but hers is organic and she had the crabs flown in on a jet from Nova Scotia.
- Theme Song: That Girl by Steve Wonder
- What they need: Besides a throat chop and a Tylenol PM? A reality check by someone smarter, richer, prettier… and there's always someone out there happy to take them down a peg.
- Characteristics: Goes through men like Kleenex, there's a boulevard of Broken Boyfriends named for her.
- Where they thrive: Wherever the boys are.
- What they do: She can attract any man she wants but once she's had him, she's done. And she doesn't care whose man he was, she's going in for the kill. Your man, your brother, your cousin who just got engaged, all fair game to her. She is that chick who is your best friend until a man comes in the room and then all bets are off.
- Theme Song: If that's your boyfriend by MeShell Ndegeocello
- What they need: Besides a hair pull, a year's supply of condoms and some penicillin? A real man to just say no. Just once. The whole outlook will change.
- Witchy McB*tcherson
- Characteristics: Mad at the world, witchy for new reason, walks around with fist balled up, responsible for the "angry black woman" stereotype, wakes up on the wrong side of the bed every single day
- Where they thrive: Amongst their kind. Witches of a feather flock together.
- What they do: Spew bile morning, noon and night. When there's a cutting comment to be made or a putdown to dish out, she's on it!
- Theme Song: Witchy Woman by The Eagles
- What they need: Besides a punch in the month and some Midol? A mirror. Usually once they see how unattractive the constant witchery is, they dial it back.
What do ya'll think? Did I miss somebody? Do you know one (or more) of these? Can they be saved?