WBPD (What Bougie People Do) – We Break Hood Rules

In this edition of What Bougie People Do – we will discuss some hood rules I can't get down with. Watching a Viewer-Spot on Current TV, three little ruffnecks from the ATL were out there reppin' their lifestyle – "We hood, we represent, we stay strapped and we never snitch! We keeps it real in da hood, yo!" Good for them. Here's what you can expect from Bougie folks:

  1. We snitchin': Hell yes I am. Your best bet is simply not to perpetrate any major crimes around me: I. Am. Telling. As you noticed from my brush with crime I don't play with it. Get mad if you want to, I love me some law enforcement. I'm semi-embarassed to admit that I have dated all level and manner of enforcement official. So when I say I will snitch, best believe I know who to go to. Bump a 911, I got cops on speed dial for real. Ha! Seriously though, I don't get the whole "Stop Snitching" movement. THAT'S when we want to unify? To protect some criminals who will turn on you in heartbeat? Umm, no. Now if you are fam or close BougieFriend, I'm good for one alibi per lifetime and some bail money. Beyond that, you're on your own. Lookie here, I'm liable to phonecam the whole thing and broadcast it. Can I just say it one more time? I snitch, b!tch. Just so's ya know.

    In this clip of the Boondocks entitled "Thank You for Not Snitching", young Riley had a chance to snitch on some local hoods but decided to adhere to the street code, here's how that turned out:

  2. We rarely rep': Yeah, I can't think of the last martini bar I was where folks start reppin' for their hoods… "Straight out of West Plano, yo!" Doesn't resonate, really. I'm not even sure I understand what these "young-uns" idea of proper representation is nowadays. Are they still throwing up signs? Clearly, bougie folks never knew. I was at a jazz spot the other night blatantly eavesdropping when I overheard two brothers talking:

    One brother said, "I don't really care for Dallas."

    The other brother said, "I take umbrage with that remark."

    The first one said, "Didn't mean to offend, it's just not my spot."

    Second one replies, "Good thing you're only here for a short while then."

    I almost choked on my wine – that's TOO bougie even for me. In my head, I re-wrote the scene, "Yo, this place is wack. D-town is wack, why you got me out in this wack-ass joint?"

    Reply: "Fool, you better recognize. Dirty South, son! SouthWESTSIDE!"

    Comeback: "I ain't feelin' it."

    Response: "Shake yo' ass back home then." Okay, my version may be over the top, somewhere in the middle, then?

  3. More security, less strapped: We may own a gun, but we pay for security. Alarms, motion sensors, video-spycams, dogs that aren't named King or Duke and portable keychain-size cans of pepper spray. I let some non-bougie friends borrow my car way-way back in the day (when I didn't care what happened to it). When they brought it back I called and said, "Who the hell left a gun holster in my back seat?" They died laughed, "Girl, that's the toolkit case to the car, we had to tighten the lugnuts on the back wheel – do you even know what a gun holster looks like?" Umm, only what I had seen on TV. I'm just saying… we don't know. If you roll up into a bougie spot and get shot, you were shot by security or the non-bougie dude who came in with you. We just aren't about the shooting. We may run you over (not in the Benzo though, come on), your spaghetti sauce might taste a little funny but shooting and whatnot? That's one for the S.No.B. (So Not Bougie) files.

  4. One other thing, we don't discuss money: I was next to these folks up in Walmart and sister girl was talking all loud to her friend, "Girl, you know I need thirteen-hun for monthly bills and everything. James ain't got his disability check yet so I'm bout to be short on these groceries, you got something?" Girlfriend, "My check was only $534 because of the taxes so naw, girl. But I gotta gift card for $100 if you want some of that. Imma get these two dresses for forty so whatever's left over is yours, girl – I got you." TMI, TMI! At no point will you hear bougie folks discussing their paycheck amounts, mortgage and household bills or hitting each other up for loans in the check out aisle. Now I have been known to text my bank and make sure my balance was what I thought as I pull up to the store but um… that about it. Sometimes when we are group shopping and everyone's throwing stuff in, we'll get to the counter and I'll say, "I got this and these," thus indicating that others need to be about purchasing their selections or I'll say, "I got this, ya'll." That about it. We might discuss the diversification in our 401(k)s. That about it.

Any other hood rules I need to know about so I can be about breaking those too? Where did the "stop snitching" thing come from and what do you think about it? It's one thing to have a gun in your home but why are folks walking around strapped like we on the set of Tombstone? Do enlighten a bougie sister!