This week, I'm trying not to hate on things. I'm really going to try. And yet, for some reason I attempted to watch the American Music Awards last night. And here's what I have to say about that:
- It's official. I'm old. Old, tired and confused. I kept having to tweet people to ask, "Who is that?" At least I wasn't alone when the breakthrough artist was announced as Gloriana. Who? Yeah, some bluegrass folksy foursome of Caucasian young uns out of Nashville. God Bless them.
- Note to Black Eyed Peas: Screaming while jumping up and down to a slamming beat does not great music make. I'm just saying.
- Jermaine has GOT to put the black shoe polish spray down. And the Vaseline. Thay main was just glistening from head to toe. Not a good look. We're sorry you named your son Jermajesty, but that no reason for him and your other sons to rock that glisten "Babyface-from-the-Deele-days" hairstyle. That's just wrong.
- Ladies have completely abandoned pants. Short skirts, onesies and unitards ruled the stage. Parents: don't let your girls grow up not to wear pants. There is nothing to fear in covering your thighs.
- Mary J Blige and Janet brought their A-games. Listen and learn youngsters.
- J. Lo is no longer relevant. Her entrance was the best thing about her performance. I did laugh a little when she fell out… girl you someone's mama now. Put some pants on and GO. SIT. DOWN.
- Whitney is proof positive that prayer does wonders. All jokes aside. She looked great and sounded okay. She's not what she was but she's better than so many of these starlets out there.
- And speaking of starlets- Rihanna looked like an extra from Escape to New York meets Mad Max and Wind Up in Armageddon. Hot mess. She sounded just as bad.
- Thick chicks are back in style, ya'll. All manner of thigh, hip, booty and tummy were visible. Go head and get bootylicious. <- - - I apologize for using the word, I lost my head.
- I couldn't (and can't) shake the feeling that Jermaine and company are capitalizing on MJ's death. When was the last time any other Jackson but Michael or Janet was even invited to the AMAs?
- Lady GaGa scares me. That is all.
- Random presenters bug me. Seth Green and Samuel L Jackson why?
- Jay-Z is not apologizing for being a grown-up. He wore an impeccably tailored white Tux and changed into an impeccably tailored black tux. Just cause he's in hop-hop does not mean he need to be forty in a wife beater and sagging jeans. We appreciate it. And he KILLED his performance with Alicia Keys. (Note to Alicia – you should have wrapped for the night and stayed in that black suit)
- Green Day owns the angry rock anthem. No one else needs to try.
- I understand neither Timbaland's new song nor his new diet. Both were unfortunate failures.
- Damn some Taylor Swift, she ain't all that.
- I miss Kanye.
- I don't understand Adam Lambert's closing performance; it was Phantom of the Opera meets New Moon right before it turns into gay porn.
- I didn't know half of the "celebs" in the audience.
- It's official. I'm old. Old, tired and confused.
So in conclusion… the best performances of the night went to Jay, Janet, Mary and Whitney. The rest of you all are excused. Seriously, just go somewhere. Uh-oh, did that sound like hate? How about we call this constructive criticism for the betterment of all mankind?
Did anyone else watch? Observations? Loved it, hated it? And if you didn't watch, aren't you glad I'm here to share J!