It was a hard weekend to be black 'n bougie in Dallas, ya'll. First it was hot, then we had torrential rains with lightning. The electricity was blinking in and out. At one point, I had no internet or satellite dish (the horror!)
So, I'm thinking of getting a special line installed like the Bat Phone. It would be purple of course and we'd call it the Bougie Hotline. For the moments when life just ain't bougie and you need someone to commiserate. Yes, I like this idea – we'll need regional Bougie Volunteers to work the hotline 24/7. What's that? There's already something like that out there? Oh yes, my wonderful crew on Twitter and Facebook.
Some of you may have been on Twitter Saturday night. It was date night for OneChele. We had an unfortunate moment when I was standing by myself. For those of you that watch Living Single, did you ever see the episode where "Goldie" keeps hitting on Max? (For those who haven't seen it, Goldie shows up at around the 2:50 mark in this clip embedded below):
Anyway, yes. I was hovering near the bar when my own personal "Goldie" came side-winding up. "Hey girl, who you wit?" [Yes, he said "wit" not "with"] I pointed in a general direction and old boy looked over and then looked back at me, "You sho you don't wanna trade up?" He grinned a big old toothy grin, revealing bucked front teeth, one of which was gleaming gold. I hit him with the laser beam side eye and he shrugged before walking away. As I informed the Twitterverse, responses starting coming in. Ms. Tanijoy told me to break out a can of "Negro-B-Gone" and spritz it in his direction. Don't you know I wish I had some? Glen the Gent thought it was sad that the recession caused Goldie to only have one gold tooth and not a full grill. Oh my witty friends. But wait, the good times were not over:
Two rednecks were a little further over talking about Christmas. One said to the other, "Well what do you want for Christmas?" The other turned, pointed at me and said (all loud), "Her!" I turned around hoping there was someone behind me. Not so fortunate. When my head whipped back around, plaid shirt and jean guy was standing in front of me, "Whaddaya say? You wanna be the special gift Santa leaves under my tree?" I didn't even have to side eye this dude; he took one look at my facial expression and slunk away. By this time, I have speculated on Twitter that my concern over the depth of my V-neck was clearly justified. Thank you, Citizen Ojo for reminding me that boobs are like mesmerizing headlights for some men. Ah the eloquence!
My date shows up laughing and says, "Come on, Christmas present – I think you need a drink." Yes I did. We were in a cool laidback vibe sports bar. The drinks were what we call a "generous pour" and the crowd was an interesting mix. At one point though, we were the only couple of color in the spot. The owner had come around to check on us once or twice. When the music changed and some Isley Brothers came on, he came running over to see if we liked it. "I'm from South Philly so this is MY music!" he announced, "Oh, I guess I aged myself a little bit?" Umm, yes. Everytime some slightly soulful or funky came on, he looked over at us, "You like that!" Actually, I was good at KC & the Sunshine Band but by the time Funkytown and LTD came on, I was ready for him to switch back to classic rock.
Even though I noticed the drinks kept coming and each was stronger than the last [side-eye for the date], it was a fun evening. And yet I was definitely reminded that not everyone aspires to bougenificence. Some are really happy (and confident) being quite gold-toothed or country. J What's the worst pick up line you ever heard? Are there any good ones… that actually work?