Single Ladies of the Blogosphere… come have a seat

Blogger's Note: Please excuse the interruption of our regularly scheduled program. OneChele's Requirements for A Man Among Men will continue tomorrow. Today, I HAD to take a pause for the cause. Gents - this one really isn't for you though if you wanna gain a little insight... read on.

Ladies, let me chit and chat at you for a minute. OneChele is about to break it down so it will forever be broke. It's not my intention to wage war on any of my fellow bloggers out there but I'm afraid I gotta go Queen Latifah for a minute – OneChele's had it up to here. And Ooooo – Ladies first, Ladies first!

My sisters I don't want you to take offense at what I'm saying because I am saying this for your own good. Is everybody comfortable? Okay, good.

  1. Stop listening to single men under the age of thirty-five telling you how to catch a man, keep a man, treat a man. That's all some bullshiggity. THEY. DON'T. KNOW. Please go ask any married man over the age of 35 what he knew when he was 28 and single and they will tell you, "Not a damn thing." Seriously, go ask one now. I'll wait… um-hmm, that's what I thought. "How to show your man you love him," "How to keep your man happy," "How to get wifed up" (hate that phrase by the way). Contrary to popular thinking, single men are not all rare and exotic game to be hunted, trapped, tamed and kept. They are regular folk who put their pants on one leg at a time like ev'rybody else. Sidebar: Ladies, some fish that you catch need to be thrown back, ya hear me?

  2. Don't assume that what you read on a blog is gospel (except mine J). For the most part ladies, blogs are entertainment vehicles. Bloggers that want more visitors strive to be more entertaining than others. It's far sexier to write a post on Why Women Should Swallow (yes, it was about exactly what you think it was about) than to write a post on Why Women are forced to Swallow the BS that Men Feed Them. "But OneChele, it was all in good fun!" Sure it was. It's a mind game ladies. If I was running game, I'd be putting up posts on Why Men Should Just Say Yes and Okay While Handing Over the AMEX Black Card. Sure, I would do it in jest but reach one, teach one… right? I'm just sayin' – think about it.

  3. Not all "female empowerment" blogs are all that empowering. Some are, some are not. Some are written by bitter sisters with axes to grind who will not be happy until they've recruited a bunch more women to be as bitter and unhappy about their lives as they are. Try and find women that exude positivity and offer helpful hints rather than those who get preachy and try to hit you over the head. (this post excluded, ya'll know I'm on a roll)

  4. Please know who you are in "real life" before embarking on social media/blogosphere travels. These folks will have you thinking that the sky is orange, the sun is blue and grass comes in shades of lavender… and why didn't you know this already. There are people, both men and women, who do not have da-da in real life and this virtual reality is their universe. They want friends and followers and minions to join them and think like them and give them all the adoration no one in the real world plans to. Don't fall for it. If some folks had their way, it would be a law that every Sunday afternoon women must sit blindfolded and gagged, naked on top of a platter of hot wings with cold beer coming out of the right breast and ranch dressing coming out of the left. Stop me when I'm lying.

  5. Ain't none of these folks licensed therapists. While I enjoy Ask a Bougie Chick and joke around with my readers, I in no way believe that I know a damn thing more about life than anyone else (well, maybe more than a FEW of these fools… moving on). Don't make yourself crazy believing what so-called authorities and experts are peddling. If you have a serious problem, get a serious answer. And even then, you need to mix in some good old fashion common sense. I read a blog the other day where the man told the girl to stake her claim by sneaking into the brother's apartment and lying naked on his bed until he came home. WTF? Besides the class E misdemeanor and restraining order that could net you, claim staking of another woman's man is a dicey situation all the way around.

  6. Don't take the bait. Haters and antagonists are everywhere. When you speak your opinion, be prepared for someone not to agree with you. However, engaging in a two-hour TwitterBattle over how many sex partners makes a woman a skank is simply not productive. (yeah, it really happened) First of all, don't put yourself in a position to be judged by people who only know you from 140 character sound bites. Secondly, you do realize that freakin' Google keeps these tweets forever, right? Don't believe me? Go out to twitter name. Yep, there you are for the entire world to see. Unfiltered and unfettered. And on that note…

  7. Employers do twitter searches now. You better have a really good alias or be prepared to explain to a recruiter why you bemoaned the fact that your married co-worker used to inject you with protein on your lunch break (yes, a euphemism) and now he's injecting the new temp. Or that you only smoke pot when your boss is out of the office. Or that you were thinking of stealing a laptop but wondered if they lo-jacked it. All of these were public tweets I read in the last two weeks.

  8. You don't have to fall in. Without very much effort, I can tell you which male blogger likes long hair, short hair, light skin, dark skin, asses, breasts or painted toenails in sky high sandals. So what? You can read this blog and figure out that I prefer tall athletic chocolate men with killer smiles and change jingling in their pockets. The difference is a broke paunchy light-skinned man will read this blog and assume he has a shot anyway. A woman will read twenty blogposts telling her what's wrong with her and why everything she has is all wrong and go off the deep end trying to get it "right". There is no right. There's just you. And when I tell you there is a man out there who will love you in ripped up t-shirts, ballet flats with one toenail painted, hair looking like "who dunnit and why'd you let 'em"… you CAN take that as gospel. (Though I wouldn't recommend that for your first date look)

  9. Don't get it twisted. Your blog buddies don't KNOW you (unless they actually do in real life). Someone might visit this blog for the first time today and think I'm a man-bashing B! But ya'll know OneChele loves the men. Especially my mocha, caramel, bitter chocolate brothers. Strong, confident, smart and sexy… oh, on a tangent – bringing it back. My point is, do not assume that because you've swapped tweets and FB updates and clever blog comments with someone that you know a diggity-darned thing about them.

  10. And last but not least… understand that you are a completely whole and viable individual with or WITHOUT a man. Let me repeat, a man can NOT complete you. He can enhance what you already have but a man cannot MAKE you. He can inspire you to reach higher but he can't reach for you. Since you stopped by my blog, I've no doubt that you are a sparkling, glittering diamond of a woman. A force of nature, a beacon of beauty and a wellspring of intelligent charm. If you aren't where you want to be in life yet, if you aren't who you want to be yet please know that you should be appreciated for the work in progress that you are and admired for the efforts you are making to improve. Improve to your standards, not the standards of some faceless men with opinions and keyboards.

Okay, that's it. Rant over. Thank you for indulging me and for listening. Before I dismiss for the day… any questions?