I was dating a gentleman out in the San Francisco Bay Area. We were five dates into the relationship with that "this could really be something" feeling in the air. We were at a gorgeous restaurant on the wharf in San Fran. Bridge lights twinkling, boats sailing by. Brother's game was tight: he was saying all the right words at the right time.
I was sipping wine, enjoying my meal when he reached across the table, took my hand and then started quoting from Green Eggs and Ham. Yes, Green Eggs and Ham! And I mean, he was reciting it slow and in a deep voice like Dr. Seuss was some Shakespeare or he was bringing some Love Jones-style def Poetry Jam to the table. Trying to hit me with the sexy-eye while rhyming house and mouse.
When he finished, he kissed my palm and said, "Baby I just want to reach you with my mentals." I laughed so hard, I spit wine all over the place. (what are mentals?!) He was really hurt but I could not get past the "Sam, I am" of it all. Worse, he explained to me that "The Seuss" was really the original rapper and I needed to recognize the "sensual cadence" of his rhymes. "Are you feeling me?" he asked.
No, I was not. I tried to just let the night go (trying to finish my surf and turf ya'll) but then he just got more forceful in his defense of all things Seussian. I tried to make it into an intellectual debate, Seuss vs. Robert Frost - who brings it harder? (Give me credit for the attempt)
Brother got loud, "Frost was a poet, Seuss was a lyrical master! To understand Seuss is to understand me! You need to get on board if we are going to take this relationship any further!" I nodded as I speared the last piece of chipotle-rubbed lobster with my fork. "Absolutely, I understand." Swigging the wine now.
"So, are you ready for us to go to that next level?" He stared into my eyes. Do you how much intestinal fortitude it took for me not to say: I would not, could not, in a box. I could not, would not, with a fox? Instead, I threw a $20 on the table and bailed. Later I thought, that ish MUST have worked on some chick before, he was too confident. I cannot fathom how Dr. Seuss had ever closed the deal for a brother.
Okay, get up off the ground now. Yes my date was bad but NOT as bad as this sister's (From AP) :
FERNDALE, Mich. - Police in Michigan say a first date went from bad to worse when a Detroit man skipped out on the restaurant bill, then stole his date's car.
Police say 23-year-old Terrance Dejuan McCoy had dinner with a woman April 24 at Buffalo Wild Wings in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale. The woman says the two met a week earlier at a Detroit casino and she knew McCoy only as "Chris."
The woman told police that McCoy said he left his wallet in her car and asked for keys. He then sped away in the 2000 Chevrolet Impala.
The Daily Tribune of Royal Oak reports that police identified McCoy by a photo he'd sent to the woman's cell phone, and his phone number.
McCoy is charged with unlawfully taking the car, a five-year felony. He waived a preliminary exam and was bound over for trial Thursday.
I think getting jacked by your date trumps DJ Seuss. At least none of my dates have required police reports (so far). Comment as you will.