OneChele loves the romance. I read it, write it, revel in it. Regardless of life experience, I still believe in some variation on two people trying to make happily ever after work. And all the mushy-gushy stuff along the way… aww. ©Lifetime movie of the week© (Wait a minute, not the ones where the woman gets beat down by her stalker ex-husband or goes crazy and sets his bed on fire, the other ones… ya'll know what I mean!)
At any rate, when love goes wrong (and Lord knows there are SO many ways for it to go wrong), sometimes the best thing to do is
leave skid marks running as far away as you can just walk away. And how you walk away can be just as important as how you walked together for however long it lasted. I believe most of you will co-sign with me when I say that a bad break up can temporarily overshadow a good relationship. Like chasing a fine wine with a shot of vinegar; for a while all you can taste is the vinegar. It's not until you put something else in your mouth that the bad taste goes away. (okay, that sounds WAY dirtier than it should have. Keep it PG-13, people – I did not mean it like that).
ANYWAY, I gathered my notes, emails and tweets and can present to you… 10 of the worst break up scenarios EVER. (Yes, I've changed all the names to protect the guilty):
- Ted and Gina were at a basketball game for their sixth date. At some point after half-time with no apparent provocation Gina looked at Teddy and started screaming, "I hate you! I never want to see you again!" He blinked a couple of times and said, "So do you not want to see the rest of the game?" This set her off again. Onlookers said Gina has quite an octave range. They left separately and never saw each other again. Note:I don't know, Ted. You might have dodged a bullet on that one.
- Earline and Johnny had been married for 25 years. One night when Johnny came home from work, Earline had a big home-cooked dinner waiting for him. Pleased that after so many nights of take out and frozen entrees, Earline was hooking him up; Johnny sat down and dug in. "You're not gonna eat?" he asked. (red flag #1 dude) She shook her head, "No, I worked in the garden and snacked all day. I'm going to get into bed and wait for you." (red flag #2) Excited that not only was he getting fed but getting some, Johnny wolfed down his food and headed into the bedroom. The next thing he knew, Johnny was waking up in a hospital bed. The nurse handed him a note, "This is from your wife." The note read: "If you are reading this note I guess you survived, you cheating sack of sh**. Johnny, what we had was beautiful but you ruined it when you put your thing inside your secretary over and over again for the past six weeks. I put something beautiful inside of you, good luck and good bye." Turns out she put white oleander (super poisonous but very beautiful flower) along with some other herbs from her yard into the food she had cooked for him. The doctors never got the exact toxicology of what all she used on him. She disappeared with the money and to my knowledge has not been caught or prosecuted. Note: Earline! That's way extreme. It's not bougie to catch a case because of your cheating significant other. No, no – jail time is not bougenificent! NO one looks good in the orange jumpsuit.
- Suzie and Ben were "sharing physical intimacy" when suddenly Ben stopped. "What's wrong?" Suzie asked. "Nothing, I just don't want to do this anymore." He responded. "This as in me or are you talking about something else?" "I just want out. Of you, the relationship, this apartment. I'm done." He um- dismounted and got dressed. Ben left and never returned, not one look back. Suzie never found out what prompted the interruptus and consequent leave-taking. Note: WTF, Ben? You broke up mid-stroke? ETIQUETTE FAIL.
- Jason and Terry were in the Caribbean with their family and friends to get married. On the night before the wedding, they went their separate ways to have their bachelor/bachelorette parties. The next morning, Jason woke up to a 3" x 3" pink post-it note stuck on his hotel room door stating: "The wedding is off. You know what you did. Don't try and find me." Now since I heard this story from the groom's mother, I never found out what happened but I do know they did not reconcile. Note: Uh Jason, what DID you do at the bachelor party, son? Terry, post-it note is tacky. What if it fell off the door? At least leave a message at the front desk.
- Shanice and Daquan had been kickin' it for six months (I don't know – it's what the kids say to indicate some sort of relationship). Anyway, one day Shanice gets an email saying Daquan has posted new photos to Facebook. She goes out to FB and sees Daquan all hugged up with a girl that is not her. He captioned the picture: Shanice, I'm upgrading. Peace! Note: No he DID NOT! See? And folks wonder how chicks go Jazmine Sullivan on their behinds.
- Hector and Yvette had been dating for close to two years. One day for reasons he swears he does not know Yvette called him on his cell phone and said, "I want to break up." He asked why and she replied, "I just do." Note: Hector, something is rotten in the state of BougieDom. You had no clue? Nothing happened? Just out the blue she's done? Ooo-kay.
- Dick and Jane had been married for 7 years. Somewhere around year six and a half, they stopped having meaningful conversation. Their style of communication became very passive-aggressive. They would send each other emails, texts and voicemails and then in the evening one would ask, "Did you have any questions about what I wrote?" The other would answer, "Nope, got it." Jane had suggested all manner of counseling which Dick refused. Finally one day, she sent him a text: "I quit, I want a divorce". He texted back: "Okay, sounds good". (Wow like, do you want Chinese for dinner? Okay, sounds good.) Later that night as she handed him a pillow and blanket for the guest room she asked, "Did you have any questions about what I wrote?" He looked at her and said, "Nope, got it." According the divorce records, those we the last words they spoke to each other without an attorney present. Note: Brrr. It's cold up in there. Now THAT is the coldest break up I've ever heard of.
- Selena and Greg had been living together since her sophomore year of college. He was wrapping up his PhD and she was finishing her MBA. One day he asked her to read his dissertation. It was on post modern gender relations in a technology driven society. (I already see where this going) Anyway as she read she realized that he has used examples from their relationship. As she got closer to the end she noticed that he had started talking about them in the past tense. His last four paragraphs basically stated that he no longer believed monogamous relationships and life partners were necessary in the age we live in. She shrieked, "This is how you tell me it's over?" and apparently the situation disintegrated from there. Campus police were involved. Greg needed stitches. Note: Greg, you went way too cerebral on a girl who was willing to get physical. Know your audience.
- Charlie and Beth had been dating for two years. Tonight, Charlie was taking Beth out for a fancy dinner. When they got to the restaurant, he ordered the best champagne, multiple courses, wine and dessert. Candles were flickering, soft music playing, the atmosphere was trés romantique. Beth was thrilled; he was finally going to pop the question! After dessert, the waiter brought the check. He also delivered a small box to the table. Beth opened the box expecting a ring and instead saw a bracelet. A bracelet she already owned. "Oh, I thought I lost this!" She looked confused. Charlie replied, "You did lose it along with your mind in David's bed the last two times I was out of town." He gets up, "You also lost me but you do get one thing." He shoves the bill of more than $300 across the table, "You get to pay the way and find a ride home." With that he walks out. David was his best friend. Note: High five Charlie. Boo to David for sleeping with your girl but thumbs up to David for fessing up before Charlie wifed up.
- Lisa and Larry have been married for twelve years. To combat boredom, Larry has been "trying" new and different things in the bedroom. Apparently one night he went too far. The next night he came home and found all his positions packed into a Portable Storage Unit on the back of the truck. Taped across the unit was a banner that read, "Not with me, not up in here." Note: Wow Lisa – no second chances huh? Makes me really curious to find out what he wanted to do?!
To the guy who shared his story about finding his girl's sextape with another man and had it played at their engagement party… dude, I might have to do a post on that one alone. Thanks to all who contributed stories. I would say I'm sorry it didn't work out but in light of some of these circumstances… you may be better off?
I'm sure ya'll have some stories to rival these but truthfully, my romantic heart does not want to hear any more. As far as my break up strategy - I'm a believer in shooting straight but letting someone down gently (unless they force you to be harsh). But I'll put the question to you… is there really any GOOD way to break up?